The Snickers Grocery Store Lady Looks Awful!

May 14, 2014 / Posted by:

You know, it’s really wrong of me to compare Nicole Kidman to the Snickers Grocery Store Lady, because the Snickers Grocery Store Lady looks more natural and human-like than the Ice Queen of Australia. Case in point:


Anyway, the temperatures in the French Riviera have dropped to Ice Cold Bitch celsius and the local news reports that children have been seen running for their lives out of Cannes while screaming for mercy and that could mean only one thing: Nicole Kidman’s in town! Nicole Kidman took her frozen marble cutting board face to Cannes to promote the big, shiny turd that is Grace of Monaco. Grace of Monaco was supposed to come out last fall, but it kept getting pushed back, because Harvey Weinstein and the director Olivier Dahan fought over the final cut. Harvey thought it was too dark. Harvey’s right. A movie about a princess who has a stroke and dies after a car crash should be happy and feel-goody. Lighten it up!

Grace of Monaco is finally coming out and it’s opening the Cannes Film Festival. The royal family of Monaco always attends the gala premiere of the Cannes Film Festival, but not this year, because they think Grace of Monaco is a farce and made of lies. They’re not the only ones who think Grace of Monaco is a cinematic shit nugget. Most of the critics who saw it at a press screening at Cannes feel the same way. The reviews are a thing of beauty and make me want to see this mess. Here’s some of them:

The resulting film about this fantastically boring crisis is like a 104-minute Chanel ad, only without the subtlety and depth. Princess Grace herself is played by Nicole Kidman, wafting around the Palace with dewy-eyed features and slightly parted lips which make her look like a grown-up Bambi after a couple of cocktails, suddenly remembering his mother’s violent death in the forest. – The Guardian

Prior to 2001 the opening-night film of the Cannes film festival wasn’t such a big deal, more of an aperitif – a dry one, made with cinematic creosote – before the dazzling main course of the first weekend. Baz Luhrmann’s Moulin Rouge!, however, changed all that, bringing fun, glamour, Hollywood stars and lots of colour to the Croisette in a way that 1999’s dour opener The Barber Of Siberia couldn’t hope to. This year’s curtain-raiser shares quite a few things in common with Moulin Rouge!. It’s an easy watch, lush, stylish, stars Nicole Kidman and is often side-splittingly funny. The trouble is, it’s not actually meant to be a comedy. – Empire Online

Grace of Monaco will have its world premiere at the opening night of the 67th Cannes Festival this evening, although earlier it played to an audience of international critics, who even by the end of the first scene had started curling up, like startled armadillos, into tight little balls of embarrassment. Later, as the house lights came up, I watched a team of the festival’s beige-suited stewards hurriedly roll them out of the auditorium, like the barrel-trundling villagers in Whisky Galore. – The Telegraph

The BBC says that there was laughter during the press screening this morning.

I’m sold!

Well, now the producers of Hollywood know that if they really, really want to win as many Razzies as possible, all they have to do is cast an Australian actress to play a princess who tragically dies in a car accident. The formula works, apparently.

Here’s Nicole Kidman’s face looking like a hockey mask with make-up on it at the Cannes photo call for Grace of Monaco with Tim Roth today.


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