Category: Jake Gyllenhaal

Things Jake Gyllenhaal Loves: Sean Paul And Thin Gold Chains

June 28, 2019 / Posted by:

So Jake Gyllenhaal and Tom Holland are on the press tour junket for their new movie Spider Man: Far From Home. Sending the hunky jock Jake Gyllenhaal and the adorable twunk Tom Holland out on a tour together is really going to give the gays a lot to work with, and it already has.

Well there’s some stuff here for you gross heteros as well. Did you know that Jake is a huge Sean Paul stan? Do you want to hear him sing in that island accent? Oh and are you ready to see Jake wearing a thin gold chain around his thick neck? Do you want to see him looking like The Situation‘s hotter, younger brother? Hope you are, because it’s his new thing.

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Open Post: Hosted By Tom Holland Talking About The Time That Jake Gyllenhaal Worked Him Out So Hard He Couldn’t Walk 

June 26, 2019 / Posted by:

Tom Holland may only be 23 years old and newish to the game, but he can already teach other wannabe gay-baiters like Nick Jonas and Taron Egerton, how to truly bait a gay. All you gotta do is let out a cloud of innuendo while telling a story about how you worked out with Jake Gyllenhaal and he worked you out so hard that you had trouble walking. Suddenly, us hard-up, easy-to-woo gays are mindlessly pre-buying tickets to the next Spider-Twink movie after being hypnotized by the image of Mysterio defeating Spider-Twink by pounding a paralyzing ray into him, leaving him dead-legged and his spidey tenses tingling something raw. Yes, I’ve thought about this.

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Open Post: Hosted By Tom Holland Not Knowing How To Spell Jake Gyllenhaal’s Name

May 12, 2019 / Posted by:

So what? Neither can I! I had to look it up to write this post! Spider-twink Tom Holland is out stumping for his new Spider-Man flick Spider-Man: Far From Home. So, he went on Jimmy Kimme Live! with co-stars Jake GYLLENHAAL, Zendaya, and Jacob Batalon and there was this whole air hockey thing. Celebrities must hate how they have to act even more like circus poodles for these irritating late-night hosts now with all the humiliating games and what-not. They should blame simpering kumquat Jimmy Fallon. He started that bullshit. Moving on, Kimmel pointed out that Tom doesn’t know how to spell Jake’s name.

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Open Post: Hosted By Jake Gyllenhaal Proving He Has No Patience For People Who Use Words They Can’t Pronounce

January 29, 2019 / Posted by:

I learned something new about myself this week. Thanks to Jake Gyllenhaal, I now know that pedantic, bitchy, dismissive Jake Gyllenhaal in sweater is exactly my kink. During a Sundance press conference for the movie Velvet Buzzsaw (sadly, it’s not a Velvet Goldmine sequel so you won’t see Jake in skin tight lame, but it does have Toni Collette), Jake sternly corrected his director Dan Gilroy when he tried to say that Rene Russo has a “touch of melancholy”, but mispronounced it so badly it seemed like he might have been having a little seizure.

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Jake Gyllenhaal Is Dating a 22-Year-Old Model

December 22, 2018 / Posted by:

I thought that the Pussy Posse was a closed, Founding Members only type of club, but it looks like they are seeking new members. The good news for Jake Gyllenhaal is that his temporary card has arrived just in time for Christmas! Jake has finally met the final – most important- criteria in securing his place on next year’s Ibiza PP yacht trip. It’s been reported that 38-year-old Jake has been dating 22-year-old model Jeanne Cadieu since June. Slow claps from the Poop Deck from Leo DiCaprio and his main-man boo Lukas Haas, as Jake wipes a tear from his eye and slowly steps aboard the S.S. Under 25-Year-Old Chicks Only. Today is a beautiful day for the May-December romance.

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