Category: Jake Gyllenhaal

BREAKING PEEN NEWS: Jake Gyllenhaal Says That Amy Schumer’s Husband Is Uncut

July 10, 2020 / Posted by:

According to the Internets, 64% of males born in 1980 were circumcised. Jake Gyllenhaal was born in 1980. Jake Gyllenhaal is also Jewish on his mother’s side. So, odds were, the boy was snipped. But we could never know for sure. Until now. By George, he’s cut and we learned highly important news this thanks to Jake himself.

This vital information was dropped on Amy Schumer’s new HBO Max documentary “Expecting Amy”, which follows her difficult pregnancy. In between clips of Amy puking her guts out from hyperemesis, there was footage of her wedding with chef Chris Fischer. Apparently Jake was childhood friends with Chris, and he and their two other buds spilled the tallywacker tea during their wedding toast.

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The Live Stream Of Stephen Sondheim’s 90th Birthday Celebration Concert Was Extra Dramatic Due To Technical Difficulties

April 27, 2020 / Posted by:

Last night’s live stream broadcast of Broadway.com’s Take Me to the World: A Sondheim 90th Birthday Celebration gave all the Anne Hathaway types their lives, but it also shaved precious minutes off said lives due to a harrowing period of technical difficulties which can be summed up by the face host Raúl Esparza is making above. If the show hadn’t ultimately given us the cultural high watermark of Christine Baranski, Meryl Streep, and Audra McDonald in their bathrobes getting litty 2 titty while singing The Ladies Who Zoom, I mean Lunch, it might have been a complete disaster.

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Taron Egerton Is In Talks To Play Seymour In A Movie Remake Of “Little Shop Of Horrors”

January 31, 2020 / Posted by:

Rick Moranis starred opposite Ellen Greene in the 1986 movie adaptation of the 1982 Off-Broadway musical Little Shop Of Horrors which was based on the 1960 non-musical movie. Rick played Seymour Krelborn, a bespectacled schlub who falls in love with a woman named Audrey and learns some hard life lessons from a man-eating plant from outer space (Audrey II) . It’s a perfect movie which means it’s time to remake it only worse. So suddenly, Seymour is up for grabs again. It was once rumored that Josh Gad and Rebel Wilson were going to star in a remake, and then there was the rumor that Lady Gaga was going to play Audrey. And now according to Full Circle Cinema, Taron Egerton is in talks to star as Seymour. Which, fine, after Rocketman we know he can hold a tune and pull off glasses. What is more distressing is that Scarlet Johansson is in talks to play Audrey. Frankly, I’m not sure she has the (vocal) range. And, since she wants to be free to play flora so badly, I would like to see her audition for the role of Audry II instead.

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Jake Gyllenhaal’s Girlfriend Came To His Broadway Premiere

August 9, 2019 / Posted by:

Jake Gyllenhaal celebrated the opening night of his Broadway play Sea Wall/A Life. According to The New York Times, Sea Wall/A Life is actually a double bill of two separate monologues with Jake tackling the latter, jerking tears and jolting funny bones recounting the birth of a daughter and the death of a father. He probably jerked a few tears from his fans in another way too, by inviting his girlfriend to his opening. Page Six says that “things are heating up” between 38-year-old Jake and 23-year-old French model Jeanne Cadieu. If you’re disappointed in Jake for making basic ass dating choices remember, a French 23 is more like an American 39, so he’s actually dating an older woman!

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Things Jake Gyllenhaal Loves: Sean Paul And Thin Gold Chains

June 28, 2019 / Posted by:

So Jake Gyllenhaal and Tom Holland are on the press tour junket for their new movie Spider Man: Far From Home. Sending the hunky jock Jake Gyllenhaal and the adorable twunk Tom Holland out on a tour together is really going to give the gays a lot to work with, and it already has.

Well there’s some stuff here for you gross heteros as well. Did you know that Jake is a huge Sean Paul stan? Do you want to hear him sing in that island accent? Oh and are you ready to see Jake wearing a thin gold chain around his thick neck? Do you want to see him looking like The Situation‘s hotter, younger brother? Hope you are, because it’s his new thing.

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