Category: Jake Gyllenhaal
The Swifties Are After John Mayer Again Over A Bonus Track On Taylor Swift’s Album “Midnights”
After their Midnights feeding frenzy, The Swifties have had just enough time to regroup, sharpen their eyeliner pencils to a deadly point and charge into battle against (checks notes, checks calendar, checks notes again, remembers this is Taylor Swift we’re dealing with, makes the sign of the cross and prays for Jake Gyllenhaal, checks notes again and shrugs) John Mayer.
Taylor Swift Almost Admitted That The Red Scarf Jake Gyllenhaal Allegedly Stole Was Just A Metaphor
*TW* musty knitwear, obvious metaphors and presumed sexual activity between consenting adults.
Today in SHOCKING NEWS, 32-year-old adult woman Taylor Swift has nearly publicly admitted to having lost her virginity more than a decade ago to a hot older man as depicted in the 15-minute “short film” that accompanied last fall’s All To Well (Taylor’s Version), off of the rerecording of her 2012 album Red. BuzzFeed reports that Taylor brought ATW: (Taylor’s Version) The Movie, which she directed, to the Toronto International Film Festival (Taylor’s Version) and was asked to explain the meaning behind the red scarf that gets passed between the Jake Gyllenhaal stand-in Dylan O’Brien and Taylor stand-in Sadie Sink in the film. As Jake will never, ever, ever be allowed to forget, he and Taylor dated for about three months in 2010 before he allegedly stole her scarf and ghosted her on her 21st birthday, presumably because there were no other filmmakers on hand at TIFF at whom one might direct these types of critical questions about the art and craft of cinema.
Taylor Swift Is Eligible For An Oscar For Her Short Film “All Too Well”
While well-known for her music and graciously lending her private jets to her friends in an effort to contribute to carbon emissions, Taylor Swift is also attempting to add Academy Award-winning director to her resume. “But, Vanessa,” you may be saying, “Taylor didn’t direct the epic feature Dear Evan Hansen, how can she be eligible?” How quickly we forget TayTay’s 15-minute saga All Too Well: The Short Film! Apparently, her film about “an effervescent, curious young woman who ends up completely out of her depth” could be in the running for an Oscar. Jake Gyllenhaal better have his social media on lockdown when Taylor wins that award!
Jake Gyllenhaal Kind Of Addressed Being Cyberbullied By Taylor Swift Fans
Ms. Fluffle Stilt Skins did what she could, but it seems her plaintive mews asking Taylor Swift fans to “calm down and stop cyber bullying” Jake Gyllenhaal fell on deaf ears. And if they won’t listen to a cat, it sounds like the only person they might take direction from is Taylor herself. That’s kind of what Jake hinted at in a new profile in Esquire where he spoke for the first time about being targeted by Swifties who are apparently still irate with him for allegedly leaving Taylor on read after their brief but stunt-filled relationship which ended back in 2010. Taylor retaliated by writing her 2012 hit song All Too Well then threw kerosene on the flames when she released a 10-minute version which she included on her re-recorded album Red (Taylor’s Version), causing Swifties to run roughshod all up in his Instagram comments anew.
Behold, The Movie And TV Show Trailers Of The Super Bowl
The Super Bowl was last night, did you hear? The game was a match-up between–hold on let me look this up…–between the Los Angeles Rams and the Cincinnati Bengals. The Rams won. But who really won was the ad executives who got more eyeballs on their trailers through one TV spot than they could from 70% of the influencers they pay to make content for them.
Jake Gyllenhaal’s Rumored Cat, Ms. Fluffle Stilt Skin, Has Spoken Up On His Behalf
Ms. Fluffle Stilt Skins has spoken! Ok well, she’s meouched. Jake Gyllenhaal’s unofficial spokescat has issued a statement on Instagram pleading “ya’ll need to calm down and stop cyber bullying.” And I think we know, all too well, who “y’all” is here. While a source tells E! News that Jake doesn’t “read gossip” and has “no interest in it,” Jake himself hasn’t publicly commented on the renewed vitriol coming his way from Taylor Swift fans since the release of Red (Taylor’s Version) version of All Too Well (10-Minute Version) with an accompanying music video directed by Taylor herself. But Ms. Fluffle isn’t afraid to let her 44.5K followers know there will be no Jake slander tolerated on HER interwebs! Now, you may be wondering why and how Jake has come to have an official spokescat, even though he’s allergic. Well, the answer is simple. The internet is a vast and ponderous place where tear-stained pussies wield the power of Gods.