It’s already off to the damn races for the 2020 Oscars, and Elton John helped Taron Egerton launch his campaign to become Rami Malek 2.0 last night. Elton always throws a big Oscars bash since it’s his annual big dick contest with Madonna and her own Oscars bash. Taron, who is playing Elton in the upcoming Rocketman, actually sang “Tiny Dancer” at Elton’s party, and El was more than happy to oblige since Madge and Gaga’s publicity stunt couldn’t DARE be the news of the night.
Baby showers have always seemed like a dull concept to me ever since the most radical thing Miranda had at hers on Sex And The City was fried chicken and a diaper tree (eh, I guess the two go hand-in-hand). However, if you remotely know anyone with a working social media account, you couldn’t escape Andy Cohen’s baby shower over the weekend, hosted by OG Real Housewives NeNe Leakes, Vicki Gunvalson, Kyle Richards, Ramona Singer, and Teresa Giudice. Well, by host, that means those five all gave speeches at Beverly Hills outpost of The Palm, owned by Andy’s friend Bruce Bozzi. Alas, this day was not about Andy’s soon-to-arrive baby boy (I don’t think I saw much reference to children). This was about middle-aged women tossing back Chardonnay and Vicodin cocktails, dancing on tables (this is The Palm! Not Coyote Ugly!), and dropping f-bombs and acid…all on camera, of course.
There’s been reported tension for a while now, as some of the Botoxed hyenas from The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills have alluded to a cast member who has been particularly difficult to work with this season. Reigning Queen of Villa Rosa, Lisa Vanderpump has been the center of these rumors, which only intensified after Vanderpump skipped out on Camille Grammer‘s wedding in Hawaii. Tthe rumors are back in session: it’s being reported that Villa Rosa may be closing it’s huge, glass doors to the Real Housewives….FOREVER!!!!
Last night, George Clooney and his tequila tasting partner Rande Gerber threw a pre-Halloween party sponsored by their tequila company, Casamigos, and – shock of all shocks, a bunch of Georgie’s famous friends showed up. Even though the Casamigos party was held on the day before Halloween, everyone still dressed up, because why wouldn’t you? When you’re rich as shit, you can afford to have your assistant stand in line outside of the Hell on Earth that is Party City 3 days before Halloween. Still, there’s always that one person who cannot muster a single fuck and shows up in regular clothes, and that person was Salma Hayek. Stars, they’re just like us!
There is literally nothing Halloween-y about Salma Hayek. It’s like she forgot about that shit, and decided to swing by on her way home from Barneys. Salma is giving me “pity pop-in“, and I love it. She probably told her rich-ass husband, François-Henri Pinault, that they were going to make an appearance at a party hosted by “some guy she worked with on From Dusk till Dawn” and assured him that it would “only take a second.”
Or maybe that is her costume: second wife of a French billionaire is a costume, right? But really, why bother putting in any effort when Jessica Alba is going to show up and shut everyone else down with her on-point Romy White costume.
That wig! You know someone is 100% into a costume when they spring for the good wig. For those of you screaming “BUT WHERE’S MICHELE???“, Jessica got a friend to dress up as Michele. I know, Cash Warren really dropped the ball on that one.
Here’s more famous types from George and Rande’s Casamigos party last night. Not pictured: George and Amal Clooney. I guess they decided to shock everyone and go as a couple who didn’t want to pose for the paps.
On last night’s episode of The Real Dynasty Wannabes of Beverly Hills (And Encino), a restaurant in Amsterdam turned into the ring of PLOW (The Plastic Ladies Of Wrestling) when Lisa Rinna went after Kim Richards for alluding to having dirt on her husband Harry Hamlin. Lisa Rinna gave her greatest performance since her Depends commercial.
Jerri Blank’s long-lost twin sister Kim Richards has claimed that she’s been sober for 3 months, but during the last few episodes she’s been acting like she has fallen face first off the wagon. Lisa Rinna’s sister died of an overdose and Harry Hamlin has been sober for a few years, so she put on her Captain Save-A-Ho hat and got concerned about Kim’s current state. Kim already told Lisa to keep her nose out of her asshole, but her sobriety came up again during their dinner in Amsterdam last night and the totally natural, unscripted messiness came out.
The cast of The Whore Pit Viper Extravaganza (official name: Celebrity Apprentice) hasn’t been officially announced yet, but Donald Trump’s gang of wrecks met in Las Vegas last weekend for a launch party before shooting starts in NYC, so names have leaked and it’s a mess. I knew Detective La Toya was doing it, but I didn’t know about Gary Busey. It almost reads like the patient list on a sign-in sheet at a crazy house. Here’s the supposed cast list courtesy of Zap2It:
Detective La Toya Jackson: Beauty icon, Bubbles’ confidante and protegee of Sherlock Holmes.
Mark McGrath: The evil and Sun-In-ed minion responsible for that annoying “Fly” song.
Dionne Warwick: Singer, actress, my messenger and alleged friend of the good shit.
Jose Canseco: Former baseball player, former roid aficionado and former Madge victim.
Lil Jon: Rapper and dentist’s nightmare (or dream, depending on the dentist).
Star Jones: A LAWYER and Gay Al Reynolds’ ex purse holder.
Gary Busey: Crazy’s best customer, of course, of course.
Marlee Matlin: Oscar winning actress!!
David Cassidy: The ghost of Justin Bieber’s future.
Niki Taylor: Supermodel and co-host of that Make Me A Supermodel tragedy
Meat Loaf: Like you need to ask….
Nene Leakes: One of the Real Foreclosed Housewives of Atlanta.
Lisa Rinna: Actress, reality star, store owner, and lip abuser.
Richard Hatch: First winner of Survivor, tax cheater and the winner of Mr. Sweet Prison Nalgas ’08.
Hope Dworaczyk: Some trick.
John Rich: One half of the country duo Big & Rich.
Star Jones is going to wish she still had some chunk when NeNe tries to stomp on her in the boardroom. Lil Jon is going to wish he was bald when Gary Busey refuses to stop nibbling on his dreads. And EVERYONE is going to wish they didn’t sign up for this mess when Detective La Toya reveals all of their secrets in front of a roaring fireplace.
When this shit is over Trump Tower will be nothing but dust and all that will be left will be Donald Trump’s hair and one of Gary Busey’s Chiclets. I can’t wait.