There were barely any international celebrities, everyone had a mask and the public was hidden away behind a wall. But my god there were beautiful gowns. Beautiful gowns illuminated by the waning slant of a glorious Mediterranean sun. The red carpet for the 2020 Venice Film Festival delivered the drama, the fantasy and the eleganza we’ve been missing since the coronavirus came along and slapped us all upside the head like Dominique Deveraux receiving an unwanted gift. However, much like Alexis Carrington, glamour is that bitch who recovers quickly and always rises to the occasion! Well, unless we’re talking about last weekend’s VMAs where glamour took one look around and immediately called back the chauffeur (and slapped the shit out him).
WARNING: If you proceed further, you will not be able to fight the urge to pull out your credit card and run your ass down to the finest boutique in your town (read: the 80s section of Goodwill and the dustiest clothing store in the “trashy” mall that hasn’t been able to sell the sequin bomber jackets they bought off the back of a truck in the early-90s) to recreate this White Rain-encrusted Oklahoma blossom’s entire look. Make sure you have enough room on your Visa. You’ve been warned.
Shelli Landon is one of nine Republicans who is trying to snatch the party’s nomination to represent Oklahoma Congressional District 5 in the U.S. House. I don’t know or care who the other candidates are but I’m guessing they’re in the process of announcing that they’re dropping out of that bitch because there’s no way they have the budget (read: a bootleg copy of Windows Movie Maker, a water-damaged floppy disc of MS Paint from the 80s, a pink can of AquaNet, and an old thing of Mary Kay rouge) to top the 1980s public access brilliance that Shelli Landon served up. It’s fitting that Shelli’s last name is Landon because I fell off my chair and Landon on my ass from the glamour of it all!
Over two years ago, Hollywood let us know that they were finally doing something right for once by greenlighting an eight-episode series about the official blossom of Los Angeles, billboard queen Angelyne. Emmy Rossum and her husband Sam Esmail, who created Mr. Robot, bought the TV rights to The Hollywood Reporter’s investigative story about Angelyne’s journey from Polish refugee and daughter of Holocaust survivors to Los Angeles’ one-woman beautification board who singlehandedly made the city the most gorgeous place in the country with her billboards. Emmy Rossum took on the role of Angelyne in the unauthorized bio-series. And I say, “unauthorized,” because Angelyne, who took a hot pink shit on THR’s story and called it fiction, also took a hot pink shit on Emmy’s series, at first.
But eventually, the real Angelyne gave her hot pink stamp of approval and joined the show as an executive producer. That means producers probably stuffed a big enough wad of cash between her all-natural chichis of luscious perfection. An extremely fair and reasonable price for Angelyne’s approval is 98% of whatever the show’s budget is. So I figured that all of the show’s scenes would be shot in Emmy and Sam’s garage, the pink Corvette would be an old Barbie car bought at a yard sale, her costume would consist of an off-brand Elly Mae Clampett wig from Wish and the one hot pink dress she owns, and the other roles would be played by a mannequin and her dog. But it looks like they made that 2% stretch more than Angelyne’s angelic titty balls in a Spandex dress.
If you think being a billionaire is all glamour and glitz, then you’re goddamn right. With a billion dollars, almost anything is possible. Fancy cars, of course. Private jets, absolutely. The world’s classiest, most enchanting, exquisitely refined, and yes, most glamorous woman in the world on your arm? Only if you’re Jeff Bezos, suckers! Sure, it’ll cost you roughly $70 billion and your dignity. That, my friends, is the price of perfection.
Yes, that is the look of a baby who is thinking, “So, I’m sitting here in this heavy ass Victorian ass lace ass reproduction gown while my grandaunt has beat me in the glamour department by looking stunning in some Truman Capote gone to Panama cosplay? Fuck this shit, get this itchy doll dress off of me!”
As Britain experiences gale-force winds from all of its citizens vigorously shaking their heads over Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan having the disgusting AUDACITY to make their child’s christening private, even though royal christenings are traditionally private, two-month-old Master Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor was christened today at St George’s Chapel in Windsor Castle. That’s the same place where PHG and Meghan were married, and where PHG was christened in 1984. The royals released two pictures including the Awkward Family Photo above. While everybody worked the same tired stuffy royal drag, Princess Diana’s sister Lady Jane Fellowes changed the entire game by looking like she’s about to solve the shit out of a crime on an island.
Ali Stroker Became The First Actor In A Wheelchair To Be Nominated And Win A Tony (Although, They Didn’t Have A Ramp For Her….)
You know how when someone gets kicked off of a competition reality show, they sometimes say, “Bitch, you haven’t seen the last of me!” I usually roll my eyes at them like, “Well, you’re probably right since I’ll see you working next to me at the dish washing station at Golden Corral after this blog goes bust and I have to get a job there too.” But some who don’t win actually go on to have full-on careers, like Jennifer Hudson, of course, Carla Hall from Top Chef, Katharine McPhee, Clay Aiken, Yaya from Top Model, and Ali Stroker from The Glee Project.
Ali Stroker (“Stroke her? I hardly know her!” – Ali, who definitely hasn’t heard that oh-so-fresh joke before) was runner-up on the second season of The Glee Project, and although she didn’t win, she did guest star on an episode of Glee, and later became the first actor in a wheelchair to perform in a wheelchair on Broadway when she was in the revival of Spring Awakening in 2015. Ali currently plays poly icon and wholesome ho Ado Annie in the reimagining of Oklahoma! on Broadway, and she already made history by getting a Tony nomination, and she made history again last night by winning. And while that was a big win for actors with disabilities, the Tony people won an award in the category of Are You Fucking Serious? by not having a ramp for her to get from the audience to the stage.