Andy Samberg’s tiny-voiced wife Joanna Newsom is sort of known for having a “fuck it, I wear what I want” attitude when it comes to red carpet clothes. Which is great, because, fuck it – wear what you want. And last night was no exception. Obviously the WTF Award went to Heidi Klum and whatever the hell she was wearing, but Joanna came pretty close.
Joanna’s look is sort of a mix between “accident at the Mattel factory involving a Pink n’ Pretty dining room set” and “fancy new money jellyfish“, and I don’t hate it. She looks like what I imagine Miss Piggy’s powder room looks like; just tons of random fabric and shit covered in gems. Also, if you squint a little, her dress sort of looks like a penis with a wart on the tip. Just me? Okay.
Other than Joanna, not many other famous types brought the messy eleganza. Probably because they knew it was going to be so hot, and they just couldn’t be bothered. That, or they knew no matter how foolish they tried to look, they’d be no match for Alan Cumming and his dress CROCS.
Regardless, here’s a bunch of other dresses from last night. And pants! A bunch of ladies wore pants. I don’t really blame them; it’s a lot easier to run back and forth to the bar during commercials if you don’t have to pull 30 lbs of fabric along with you.
The Critics’ Choice Television Awards happened last night and they did what the Emmys almost never does: they gave awards to people who actually deserve an award. Crazy Eyes from Orange is the New Black tied with Allison Janney from Mom for Best Supporting Actress In A Comedy, Tatiana Maslany from Orphan Black won Best Actress In A Drama, Julia Louis-Dreyfus from Veep won Best Actress In A Comedy and Matthew McConaughey won Best Actor In A Drama for mumbling his way through True Detective. The Texas T-Rex is known for dribbling out speeches that require at least 40 bong hits to fully digest. To watch one of the Texas T-Rex’s acceptance speeches is to know what it’s like to smoke peyote with him while shirtless in a tepee. He didn’t disappoint last night.
The Texas T-Rex’s speech started out normal. He thanked who he needed to thank and blah blah blah. Then at around the 1:55 mark he says that people always ask him why he, a movie star, would do TV. Bitch won an Oscar and now he suddenly forgets he was in Unsolved Mysteries. The Texas T-Rex then babbled out a lecture about how TV is raising the bar and how TV gives you juicy character development and how TV gives you weekly episodes (THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!) and gives you that Monday morning watercooler talk. The Texas T-Rex smoked so much of the good shit in the men’s bathroom that he forgot he was at the Critics’ Choice TV Awards and thought he was at a TED Talk.
The Texas T-Rex’s lecture/pep talk reminds me of when I worked in the accounts department of some referral service. We were basically the bottom bitches of the company. We would put together paperwork for new accounts and check references. There wasn’t much to it. Every now and again, some supervisor from one of the other departments would smugly sashay into our little cubicle alley and give us a pep talk. They’d list off all of our duties like we didn’t know and tell us how invaluable we were to the company and how we were the glue that held the company together. Every single one of us sat there thinking to ourselves, “Either tell me you’re going to give me a bonus or shut the fuck up and get the hell out of here so I can go back to playing Minesweeper. ” (The year was 1999. Don’t judge my game choices.)
That’s kind of what The Texas T-Rex’s speech reminded me of. I wish the camera would’ve cut to more people in the audience, because I would’ve died, come back to life and died again to see Julia Louis-Dreyfus make a “Bitch, WE KNOW, now hurry it up, so I can go home and take off my Spanx” face.
Here’s pictures of some of the winners and for a full of list of all the hos who won, click here.