Looks like Nick Cannon’s baby-making habit has pissed off at least one of the mothers of his children–the original one, in fact. Queen of Christmas (One of many!) Mariah Carey is reportedly going to file for primary custody of their 11-year-old twins, Morocco and Monroe. The couple has been divorced since 2014 and has never fought publicly about custody stuff, so I mean… I WONDER WHY Mariah is suddenly like, “These kids need to stay with me.” Surely, it’s not related to Nick just welcoming his 12th baby to this Hellohole known as Earth. Well, it’s not like Nick has time for all these kids anyway. And having joint custody of 10/12 kids is still a good percentage!

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⅓ of the BeckPelMez throuple, Brooklyn Beckham, has been trying to shove his basic-ass food down everyone’s throats for a minute now, ever since waking up one day and deciding that he wanted to be a “chef.” And so it was, since Victoria and David Beckham are his parents, and he has the means to put on any fleeting career-hat of his choosing. But he’s been catching so much flack for his lack of training and execution of recipes that Mommy Becks took a time out from feuding with Brooklyn and his wife, Nicola Peltz Beckham, to defend the roast beef he made on his reel the other day (as if she eats roast beef; we know she only eats fish and toast). If Brooklyn is keeping count of the people in his corner, he can now add another notch to his eyebrow because he just gained another defender in the form of sweary celebrity chef/Beckham family friend Gordon Ramsay. Though Gordon would scream, “IT’S FUCKENNNN RAWWWWE,” right in the face of anyone else who made that roast, he instead offered the insight that Brooklyn can’t help who his parents are and things are really hard for him, so everyone needs to cut him a break.

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Netflix has made a documentary on former HSOTD Gunther VI, the richest pet in the world who shits diamonds and pisses liquid gold thanks to his $400+ million fortune. You know, watching a documentary about a dog of the 1% IN THIS ECONOMY sounds like a depressing hate watch. But I’m still going to watch it with my dog so that she can gather info on her future sugar dog daddy (and my future dog son-in-law) when he finally tells one of his minions to swipe right on her Tindog profile. Trick is too rich to do his own swiping! – Bustle

If you need something for your dating app profile to let potential pieces know that you’re ready for a serious commitment, just write: I’m looking for someone who will commit to me the way that Austin Butler has committed to that fucking Elvis voice – SOW

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Are you happy now? Y’all made so much fun of that little Chet Hanks boy that his pops had to stop in the middle of counting his Pinocchio money to defend his son against allegations that he wouldn’t have a career in the business if it wasn’t for his famous folks. Now Tom Hanks (Yes, that’s Chet’s dad. No, really, I swear!) has to start all over again, which means he’s going to be late making his deposit into Chet’s “rainy day” account, which gets topped off every time Chet opens Instagram. However, according to Entertainment Tonight, Chet isn’t the only Hanks Tom has to make excuses for. As it turns out, Tom’s heretofore unknown son, 27-year-old Truman Hanks, whose mom, like Chet, is Rita Wilson, has also taken a job in the family business, White Boi Industries (unfortunately, Chet was in charge of filing the paperwork), and will be playing a younger version of Tom’s character in the A Man Called Otto, and adaptation of the popular Swedish book A Man Called Ove.

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Did somebody say FASHUN?!? Well, say it louder next time, I don’t think the folks in the back heard you over the din of shitfaced celebrities using the Golden Globes’ phenomenal flame out last year as an excuse to load up on free champagne, talk shit, and network with fellow survivors of the Great Los Angeles Deluge of 2023. However, a few stars heard the call to bare arms (regretfully, ladies only. Where was Timothée Chalamet with his scrumptious little back meats!?) and used the opportunity to challenge their stylists to come up with a look that simultaneously screams “I’m the greatest star” and “I am being pranked by my stylist, aren’t I.” Meanwhile, the real jackasses pulling one over on these celebrities are the goon-squad of aestheticians going around convincing them to donate their precious buccal fat reserves “for charity.” Sad truth is that only a tiny portion of their donations actually make it to starving children in need. Sorry, Wednesday‘s Jenna Ortega, your generous donation is now just padding for some ghoul’s pocket. Also, I think your parachute got a little turned around. Must have been the wind.

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