Alexa and Siri may be the current know-it-all bitches you go to when you need to know how many tablespoons are in a cup, the answer to the question “Are we human, or are we dancer?”, and what’s the best butt lube substitute found in your kitchen that won’t eat the condom. Alexa is also perfect for when you really want the government to know everything you say in your house! But before Alexa and Siri, there was their biological father, SmarterChild.
Before “His Highness King SmarterChild” was the name that Prince George made the staff at Kensington and Buckingham Palaces call him, SmarterChild was the name of a bot created by a start-up called ActiveBuddy. SmarterChild was a bot built for AIM and it made its debut in 2001. Just like Alexa, you could ask SmarterChild all sorts of things like: “What’s the weather?“, “Is it normal for me to jizz blood after busting ten times in one day?“, and “Am I going to die alone?” I know, I don’t need some bossy bot to tell me the answer to the last one.
At its peak SmarterChild had more than 30 million names in its buddy list. But after Microsoft bought ActiveBuddy, SmarterChild was put down in 2007. So yeah, Bill Gates is a child killer. But SmarterChild was way before its time. It was the premiere bot that kids and bored growns used to waste time by fucking with. I wish SmarterChild was around today, because I’d love to ask it:
PrinceHotGingesWhore69: SmarterChild, give me some gossip on Alexa and Siri.
SmarterChild: Bitch, get comfortable and grab a mop, because I’m about to spill the tea on those pieces of bot trash.
Gloria Gaynor (69)
Evan Rachel Wood (31)
Devon Sawa (40)
Oliver Hudson (42)
Shannon Elizabeth (45)
Jeff Leatham (47)
Tom Everett Scott (48)
Angie Everhart (49)
Rudy Galindo (49)
Leslie Jones (51)
Toby Jones (52)
Diane Warren (62)
Mira Furlan (63)
Corbin Bernsen (64)
Michael Emerson (64)
Chrissie Hynde (67)
Julie Kavner (68)
Dario Argento (78)
Buddy Holly (1936-1959)
Laura Ashley (1925-1985)
Elizabeth I of England (1533-1603)
Beware! If nothing makes your ears curl like butchered Spanish, skip a couple of minutes into this episode, because Allison and I attempt to speak it. My abuelita and dead Spanish relatives are all rolling in their graves. Once Allison and I offend all Spanish speakers, we tackle Goop getting in trouble for their coochie egg promises, Michael Moore saying Gwen Stefani is the reason why President Trump exists, and the tale of the people who may have screwed over a homeless man. And because we seem to be experts on eating habits in the workplace, we answer a listener question about a gross eater in their office. Oh, and I listen as question marks come out of Allison’s head as I tell her the rumored cast of the next Dancing with the Stars.
You can listen to us on iTunes, Stitcher, TuneIn, and Google Play. And if you’ve got any ideas, tips, story ideas or need advice about eating habits in the workplace, e-mail us at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Before we get to the latest Flipping Out cast member who will no longer get her skin burnt while taking in the hot wrath of Jeff Lewis….
As you can see, we did a little redesign today. We got some ass implants installed, got a spray tan, and injected a little black market fillers into our lips. With any makeover comes problems (like the black market filler leaking out of our lips and burning our skin, or are ass implants sagging like Kim Kartrashian’s butt in the sun), but I think we’ve ironed out most of the big glitches. If a tech issue is messing with you, drop me a little note at: email@example.com. And please be gentle, it’s my first redesign, and by first I mean one hundredth. Now on to Crumbs!
First the real star of Flipping Out Zoila Chavez leaves, and now Jenni Pulos has quit the bitch that is Jeff Lewis Designs by getting into an ugly fight with him. At this rate, Jeff is going to run out of things to yell at, and will soon be the only human in history who doesn’t have a shadow. Because even his shadow is going to leave his ass after he starts bitching at it – Reality Tea
Beyonce might be smiling on the outside, but I’m sure she’s making a note to fire the peon who dared to get her a birthday cake from the grocery store like she’s a peasant – Lainey Gossip
Zachary Quinto in drag is sort of giving me BenDeLaCreme after getting the wrong kind of face fillers – Towleroad
Last month, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences president John Bailey sent out a memo announcing some major changes to the Academy Awards. Along with a shorter ceremony and moving the air date, they decided they would attempt to get more viewers by introducing a new category to honor popular film. Well, that’s definitely not happening this year, or possibly any year after that. Poor Mark Wahlberg; he was just so close to getting an Oscar.
There’s a trailer out for the Julian Schnabel directed Vincent van Gogh biopic called At Eternity’s Gate starring Willem Dafoe. Finally, Americans will have an answer to the age old question: is it pronounced van Go or van Goff? Have you been walking around saying “Van Go” like an unsophisticated colonial rube your whole life, or have you been putting a little English on it and pronouncing it “Van Goff” like a continental rube your whole life? Here’s the trailer which also stars Danish snack Mads Mikkelsen as a priest (yes, Father I have sinned. I’m sinning myself as we speak), and American snack Oscar Isaac as Polynesian titty aficionado Paul Gauguin.