Over the weekend, the Spanish coastguard got reports of an albino Loch Ness Monster in the Mediterranean Sea, and that could mean only one of two things. Jon Hamm was swimming in the Mediterranean Sea this past weekend, or Michael Fassbender was. It was the second one, but Assbender wasn’t only in Ibiza to take his white crotch Nessie for a dip in the sea, he was also there to become a husband for the first time.
Warner Bros. dropped the first official trailer for Tomb Raider, and we finally got to see Alicia Vikander as Lara Croft in action. Yup, there she is, raidin’ tombs and poppin’ nerd boners. The legacy of Lara Croft lives on!
It’s a sad day for size queens; Michael Fassbender may be taking his notable member off the table for good. According to The Sun UK, Michael and his on again/off again lady friend Alicia Vikander are planning a secret wedding in Ibiza, the Cabo Wabo During Spring Break of Europe.
We all know that when it comes to dressing for the Oscars, everyone takes it very seriously. They put on a tux or fancy gown that definitely didn’t come with a check attached to the garment bag. Most of the time the result is a one-way ticket to Zzzzzz town (see: a good 75% of the looks from last night). But then everyone gets to let loose at Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar afterparty and put on what they really want to wear (see: The Gold Standard). Like many people at the Vanity Fair party, Diane Kruger wasn’t at the Oscars and she showed up wearing that.
During last night’s Oscars, Dakota Johnson presented with her Fifty Shades Duller co-star Jamie Dornan, and they did a hilarious bit where they pretended to have chemistry with each other. Clearly Dakota was afraid all the crotch-searing sexuality between her and Jamie would be too much for the audience to handle, and she dressed accordingly. And by accordingly, I mean she counter-balanced it by dressing in an unsexy satin nightgown situation that was made by Gucci.
Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander are at the Venice Film Festival promoting their Oscar bait of a movie, The Light Between Oceans, and I am 100% sure that 10/10 reporters on that red carpet said to him, “Hey, Michael, I’d let you put your light between my oceans.” That doesn’t really make sense, but when interviewing Michael Fassbender, you should always turn the title of the movie he’s pimping into a pick-up line.
If I was doing Michael Fassbender full-time, I’d probably wear a t-shirt that says, “I Am Doing Michael Fassbender Full-Time,” but they’re one of those ~private couples~ who don’t really talk about their relationship. But while talking to Good Morning America (via UsWeekly) about making The Light Between Oceans, Michael admitted that they started dating while making the movie in 2014:
“Yeah, we met on that job and have been seeing each other since. She’s such a fierce performer. She’s so brave. She’s not afraid to bring ugly personality traits to the forefront in characters. So I was really impressed by her immediately.”
The Light Between Oceans doesn’t come out until tomorrow, so I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m assuming that Alicia’s character limps in some scenes. Alicia’s character explains her limp by saying that she got it in an accident years ago, but we all know that she got that limp from regularly getting on Michael Fassbender’s crotch boa.
And here’s Assbender in a suit and Alicia Vikander dressed like a disco Maria von Trapp at the Venice Film Festival premiere of their movie tonight.