Alicia Vikander And Michael Fassbender Are Probably Over

Last month, I hit a new low (or maybe it was a new high…) when I quoted Eddie Murphy’s musical masterpiece while writing about how 26-year-old Alicia Vikander was about to put Michael Fassbender’s 38-year-old extra meaty crotch bratwurst on the curb because she couldn’t take him partying all the time. UsWeekly is now saying that Alicia went through with it and put Michael Fassbender’s big dick on the curb. That’s every hard-up, horny Fassbender-loving ho’s cue to scoot her coochie along the curb until she hits dick. And this is a great time for size queens to be alive, because both The Hammaconda and The Assbender may be single and out in the wild.

UsWeekly doesn’t really have any details. All they say is that it’s over after 9 months and they haven’t been photographed together since May. If the blind item that claims that Alicia and Michael’s love was born in a publicist’s head is true, then they probably are over. Because “not being photographed together in 9 months” is to PR relationships what “shitting in front of your piece while not giving a hell that you’re shitting in front of your piece” is to real relationships. It means it’s the end.

But Gossip Cop stamped the word “LIES” on UsWeekly’s story, so maybe Alicia and Assbender are trying to work it out (read: negotiating a contract extension).

But really, Alicia has done Alexander Skarsgard and Michael Fassbender. If she moves on to Idris Elba, Prince Hot Ginge or the hot douchey deli worker at Vons who called me “bro” once, I’m going to search Angie’s List for a witch who can give me the power to shape-shift into Alicia Vikander’s Swedish vagine.

And here’s Alicia with professional Oscar fisher Eddie Redmayne at the TIFF premiere of The Danish Girl.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com