Laverne Cox Is Frank-N-Furter In Fox’s “Rocky Horror” Remake

Fox announced today that yes, they’re actually going through with their remake of Rocky Horror Picture Show and they have chosen Laverne Cox as the one who will inherit Tim Curry’s garter belt and fuck-me heels. Fox is describing their Rocky Horror reboot as a 2-hour taped event and a “reimagining,” which is TV talk for “We’re going to butcher the shit out of it, make it ‘family friendly’ and leave you crying and begging for mercy.” via Deadline

Laverne Cox already made history as the first transgender actor to receive an Emmy nomination. Now the Orange Is The New standout is breaking new ground for transgender performers as star of Fox’s TV remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Cox will play Dr. Frank-N-Furter, the role played by Tim Curry in the original Broadway cast and the 1975 movie. With Cox on board, the The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which had been gestating for a while, is getting a formal green light for a premiere in fall 2016.

I’m sure people from Glee, Scream Queens and Empire are going to fill the rest of the cast. You won’t find me bitching (“That’s a first” – you) if  Cookie Lyon got cast as Magenta, but my nerves are splitting just from thinking about Lea Michele as Janet. I hope Fox doesn’t cast Fox people, though. I hope the casting of Laverne Cox is just the beginning of an all-OITNB cast that looks like this:

Sophia IS Frank-N-Furter!
Lorna IS Janet!
John Bennett IS Brad!
Red IS Magenta (I just wanted to type that)!
Big Boo IS Eddie (I mean, she’s already done it)!
Flaca IS Columbia!
Pornstache IS Rocky!
Piper IS Riff Raff!

And I only chose Piper as Riff Raff, because she kind of looks like him. But in my dream mash-up of OITNB and Rocky Horror, Riff Raff doesn’t speak and barely gets any screen time.

Pic: @TinPanLA

Somewhere There’s A Barbie Dream House That’s Missing Its Curtains

Andy Samberg’s tiny-voiced wife Joanna Newsom is sort of known for having a “fuck it, I wear what I want” attitude when it comes to red carpet clothes. Which is great, because, fuck it – wear what you want. And last night was no exception. Obviously the WTF Award went to Heidi Klum and whatever the hell she was wearing, but Joanna came pretty close.

Joanna’s look is sort of a mix between “accident at the Mattel factory involving a Pink n’ Pretty dining room set” and “fancy new money jellyfish“, and I don’t hate it. She looks like what I imagine Miss Piggy’s powder room looks like; just tons of random fabric and shit covered in gems. Also, if you squint a little, her dress sort of looks like a penis with a wart on the tip. Just me? Okay.

Other than Joanna, not many other famous types brought the messy eleganza. Probably because they knew it was going to be so hot, and they just couldn’t be bothered. That, or they knew no matter how foolish they tried to look, they’d be no match for Alan Cumming and his dress CROCS.

Regardless, here’s a bunch of other dresses from last night. And pants! A bunch of ladies wore pants. I don’t really blame them; it’s a lot easier to run back and forth to the bar during commercials if you don’t have to pull 30 lbs of fabric along with you.

Pics: Splash/INF, Wenn.com

Chrissy Teigen’s Dress Was Out For Blood Last Night

For those of you who are reaching for your glasses and wondering who hired Robert Gimlin and the ghost of Roger Patterson to operate the cameras for the Billboard Music Awards, don’t worry – it’s not you. The above image is blurry because current film technology isn’t advanced enough to catch the ninja-like speed of Chrissy Teigen’s dress as it attempted to take out the poor woman walking behind her. Forget Taylor Swift and her gangly gang of suburban road warriors; Chrissy’s dress was the real deadly assassin at the BBMAs.

As Chrissy was walking to the stage with her co-host Ludacris, some woman tried to cut across behind her, but I guess she caught the back of Chrissy’s dress and instead of her ass landing in her seat, it landed on the floor. Unfortunately, Chrissy didn’t have time to be the wind beneath that lady’s wings and lift her ass off the ground, so she kept walking. Does anyone have an extra sweater? It just got COLD!

But Chrissy Teigen would like you to know she’s not a icy-hearted ho who enjoys watching clumsy tricks struggle all over the floor. According to Chrissy, Chrissy didn’t know there was a Code BOOM happening behind her.

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Luther The Anger Translator Made An Appearance At The WHCD Last Night

We already know the theme of this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner was straight-up hotness, thanks to living boner maker Jane Fonda, but just in case we needed a reminder, President Obama brought out one of the hottest characters from Key & Peele, Luther the Anger Translator. If you’ve never seen Key & Peele and have no idea what I’m talking about, Luther (played by Keegan-Michael Key) is President Obama’s anger translator and it’s his job to translate what President Obama says into yelling and rage-eyes. It’s basically the long-lost son of Coach Hines and an eight ball mixed with the before stock image from a high blood pressure pamphlet at CVS.

I wish ‘anger translator’ were an actual job, because I can think of about 12 real-life uses for one. Like every time I try to return something at Sephora and they keep pressing me for a reason. It would be real handy to have someone behind me yelling “IT GAVE ME A RASH IN A PLACE I CAN’T SHOW YOU! THERE, YOU HAPPY NOW?!”

I didn’t watch the whole WHCD because I had better things to do, ie. re-watching Super High Me and eating a box of Goo Goo Clusters, but I did catch some of it, like host Cecily Strong’s joke about Joe Biden giving a good shoulder massage (“Or as I call ’em, upstairs hand jobs. Wink!” whispered Joe Biden to whatever woman was sitting closest to him). I also saw a bit of Obama’s speech, and I guess so did Roseanne, because she pulled a Luther and went on a Twitter rant accusing him of stealing her jokes.

Here’s a bunch of the fancy-dressed famous types at the WHCD last night, including a very knocked-up, very Kardashian-in-the-face Naya Rivera, Chrissy Teigen looking like a sexy model at a goth car show, plastic feline-faced goddess Melania Trump and her partially-decomposing Christmas clementine of a husband, and Laverne Cox – as always – doing Beyonce better than Beyonce.

Pics: Splash

Everyone But Kim Kartrashian And Kanye West Were Amused By Amy Schumer’s STUNT QUEEN Fall

[INTERNALLY SCREAMING] – Kanye West in that picture

Speaking of overblown titles that don’t really mean anything, the party for Time’s annual 100 Most Influential of 2015 list happened in NYC last night. Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian were there, because in addition to being on Summer’s Eve Most Influential list and Botox’s Most Influential list, they were also on the Time 100. While Kuntye and Kummy Kakes posed for photographers, Amy Schumer, whose face is all over the Internet right now, decided to screw with their ho stroll game a bit by throwing herself on the carpet in front of them. At first Kanye probably though it was just another one of his disciples worshiping at the godly feet of Yeezus. But his ego nearly throbbed to the point of exploding when he realized it was just that All About That Bass chick stealing the spotlight from him. If you looked inside of Kanye’s head in that picture, you’d probably see the rose garden scene from Mommie Dearest. Bitch is ready to chop down a tree over this shit.

He probably got off the red carpet and started fisting the air and firing people over someone snatching away his STUNT QUEEN tiara right in front of him.

Amy told Time that she did it, because why the hell not:

“I saw them and said to my publicist: ‘Can I pretend to fall?’ and she said, ‘I can’t stop you,”

Kim didn’t really seem to mind. She even cracked the Botox mask she calls a face by smiling a little. Kim smiled because she thought Amy was playing a fun game of charades and she knew the answer. Seeing Amy with dead eyes and on all fours made Kim think to herself, “I know, I know! The answer is, ‘How I got famous!’”

And here’s more of the Time 100 wearing boring outfits at last night’s gala thing.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com

Laverne Cox Went SANS VETEMENTS For Allure

That’s “no clothes” for all you non French speakers. It’s that time again, when a bunch of famous types strip down to their nipple bits and fudge machines (copyright: Amy Schumer) for Allure’s annual Nudes Issue. The word nude usually implies this shit is going to be tasteful (“So, no open-faced butthole sandwich then?” wonders a confused Kim Kardashian) and this picture of OITNB‘s Laverne Cox is tasteful as hell. She looks like a bashful seamstress who forgot to pick up a new spool of thread and therefore is unable to turn that pile of linen she’s demurely humping on into a sexy-yet-very itchy pair of panties and a bra. It’s what I imagine a boudoir portrait of Jo-Ann from Jo-Ann Fabrics would look like.

I can relate to this picture of Laverne in Allure, because that’s totally the same face I make when someone goes to take a tits down ass up picture of me and I realize I’ve forgotten to check my ass for chip crumbs. Trust me, its happened before – the chip crumbs stuck to my ass part, not the tits down ass up picture part. Nobody’s eyes need to see that.

Of course, Laverne wasn’t the only one to get naked for Allure. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Beyonce! was joined by Jordana Brewster (who looks a little Niece Denise in the face), Vikings‘ Katheryn Winnick, Sleepy Hollow’s Nicole Beharie, and Catherine from The L Word, aka Sandrine Holt. Snore! Where’s the true nude beauty? Where’s our tasteful nude portrait of plasticine goddess Big Ang? You’re right, human eyes aren’t evolved enough to view such a gorgeous vision.