Last week, H.B.I.C. Martha Stewart posted a sultry aquatic thirst trap, attracting mucho online attention, failed copycats, and, apparently, over a dozen declarations of love sent via Instagram messages. In an interview with E!’s Daily Pop, Martha humble-bragged, “I’ve had fourteen proposals. I don’t know what for, but they’re proposals. I haven’t checked lately, that was the first day.” Wait, is she alleging that these were sex proposals? Or just standard marriage ones?
Martha Stewart didn’t need a shank made from a filed down toothbrush when she was locked up in bougie-prison. She had an array of ceramicist’s tools which were probably dull compared to the shank that lives inside her mouth. And Martha’s still using that sharp tongue of hers to assert her dominance, only instead of using it to become the untouchable queen of Alderson Federal Prison Camp’s arts and crafts room, she’s using it to take down thirst trap copy cats with inferior swimming pools. Chelsea Handler attempted to recreate Martha’s recent swimming pool selfie which, according to TMZ, “delighted fans across the globe.” No surprise, Martha was not impressed.
The quarantine. Good for flattening the curve and saving lives… spending quality time with beloved family and pets… discovering new recipes and hobbies… and drinking your weight in booze every single goddamn night. Which is exactly what Martha Stewart did this past weekend.
You wouldn’t think a lifestyle guru worth hundreds of millions of dollars would bring the “LOLz, it me” (especially if her name rhymes with Schwyneth Faltrow), but Martha did just that when she left a nonsensical comment on an Instagram photo of baby chicks, then returned to the scene of the crime hours later and admitted “I have been drinking”. Continue reading
Snoop Dogg has issued an apology to Gayle King on Instagram for calling her a “funky dog-head bitch” (Siba would like A WORD) and possibly threatening her (depending on who you ask) in the wake of CBS airing a clip of the interview Gayle did with Lisa Leslie, a WNBA star and close friend of the recently deceased Kobe Bryant. Snoop’s initial tirade was directed at both Gayle and her BFF Oprah Winfrey (and concluded with the statement “Free Bill Cosby” which was applauded by Bill Cosby himself on Twitter from prison). That caused Oprah to take precious time away from promoting her controversial book club selection to defend Gayle on Today and let us know that Gayle had been receiving death threats over the matter. Happy Black History Month! (yes, it’s still only February)
Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagine scented incendiary device is still sold out on Goop, and Martha Stewart wants you to know she certainly didn’t buy one, nor would she ever acknowledge anything so crass and stupid. Us Weekly reports that on a recent episode of Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, Martha opened up an enormous hand-dyed silk parasol and carved out a spot of shade for Gwyneth’s latest scheme to, as Martha put it, “zhush up the public to listen to her.” Fuck Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party. I want to see Martha & Dr. Jen. Gunter’s Goop Tea Party on my TV immediately.
Martha Stewart really is the type of gangster who would greet you with an artistically arranged autumnal bouquet she harvested from her own orchard in one hand, and a shank made from a filed down late Victorian pewter fish knife in the other. Martha and the recently incarcerated Felicity Huffman have more in common than having slept more than one night on sub 800 thread count sheets while doing time. Both also have impressive cardigan collections, and were probably raised to never leave the house looking a hot mess. Well, Martha thinks Felicity needs to remember her upbringing and extend that directive to never leaving the Big House looking a mess either.