Tiffany Trump Is “Flipping Out” As Hurricane Nicole Threatens To Derail Her Mar-A-Lago Wedding This Weekend
You never know what you’re going to come home with after you’ve been partying in Mykonos with Lindsay Lohan. But whichever muse inspired Alanis Morrisette to write Ironic must have been going extra hard that fateful night in 2018 when she and Lindsay conspired to send Tiffany Trump home with a Nigerian prince and possibly head lice. Now, four years later, the Ironic muse finally found the keys she lost in the sand at Lindsay’s now-shuttered beach club just in time to send Tiffany some rain on her wedding day.
Oh joy. A “part-documentary, part-comedy sketch” show on Netflix “based on the chaotic transition of power when Donald Trump became president” produced by Barack and Michelle Obama. We may all still be clenched tighter than Melania Trump’s face in a sandstorm, bracing for whatever Donald might do in his final desperate hours, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t ready to share a gentle guffaw with the Obamas about one of the most painful periods in recent American history. It’s called The G Word I’m already LOL’ing as we speak! (that’s Letting Out a Long anguished guttural moan while experiencing nervous diarrhea and conflicting emotions about not knowing what’s “funny” anymore)
A literal interpretation of the trainwreck that is the Trump Presidency is currently chug-chug-chugging its way through The White House towards its inevitable fiery conclusion thanks to Melania Trump’s newly revealed Christmas display. Keen eyes will also spot subtle nods to other administrative disasters such as a sequined COVID hospital emergency room and a boat in obvious distress representing the capsized vessels of the Lake Travis Trump Boat Parade. Despite not giving a fuck about “the Christmas stuff and decorations,” The Slovenian Grinch acted on the Be Bester angles of her nature and created a display so chilling, it makes her Evil Queen of The Blood Forest motif from Christmas 2018, look as innocuous as a holiday display in a Cracker Barrel gift shop.
FUCKING FINALLY! “You’re fired!” – America to trump.
You’re probably reading this from inside of a Russian research vessel with a $200 million necklace in your pocket because we’re all Old Rose from Titanic since we’ve been waiting 84 years for this election to fucking end. It’s been decades since Election Day, and yes 2000-me is looking at 2020-me like, “Calm down, we had to wait until DECEMBER, also you should’ve used more moisturizer, trick!” But the 2020 U.S. Presidential Election has finally been called. Joe Biden is now the President-elect and with Kamala Harris, we will soon have our first woman and person of color Vice President!!! Well, the good news for Trump is that he no longer has to pretend like he doesn’t know how to pronounce Kamala’s name because he can keep it simple and call her Madame Vice President. And that thud you heard wasn’t only from all of the White House silverware falling out of Ivanka, Don Jr., and Eric’s coats as they try to smuggle stuff out. It’s also from Election Night Masters, CNN’s John King and MSBNC’s Steve Kornacki, passing out into 4-year comas, which they’ll wake up from on Election Night 2024.
During last night’s final presidential debate, alleged catfishing chameleon extraordinaire Aubrey O’Day dropped another October Surprise by spilling shit she claims she knows about all of Donald Trump’s kids, except for permanent children’s table resident and LGBQIIA ambassador Tiffany Trump. This may be the only time when Tiffany is happy to be the Lea Michele to everyone’s Jessica Lange. This was a bold and brave move on Aubrey’s part because it reminded everyone that she fucked Donald Trump, Jr. more than once. I mean, I thought that the reason for Aubrey’s multiple face changes on Instagram was due to her wanting people to forget that she’s the Aubrey O’Day who opened up her coochie for THAT. But I guess not…
You know, just when I thought there was nothing Melania Trump could possibly hate more than Christmas decorations. But apparently nothing brings out a violent eye-twitch worse than knowing that her philandering pig of a husband has a one-time side-piece out there that is getting all dolled up and photographed for a respectable American fashion magazine by a well-regarded photographer.