You’re either looking at this picture and wondering who in the hell thought it was a good idea to put Melania Trump in a dress that would inevitably get green screened to death on social media, or you’re wondering who that blurry blonde figure is. That would be Ivanka Trump, and the reason the camera can’t seem to focus on her is because she was walking at a speed I like to call, “Ignoring My Step-Mother MPH.”
And no, the three words aren’t: I love Nicki.
Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s musical tribute to panty pudding is #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the second week in a row, and to keep the WAP momentum going, she did an interview with Australia’s Kyle & Jackie O radio show and told them the three words that will never leap off of her tongue in a song because it gives her the icks. And well, we do know that on top of those the words, the words, “praise Melania Trump”, will never be said or typed by Cardi, because after a troll randomly compared Cardi B and Melania Trump during last night’s Republican National Convention, Cardi’s WAP clapped back twice. And yes, I got a little WAP juice in my eye during that “clap-back.”
Yesterday, Donald Trump resumed his coronavirus briefings so that whole pandemic business is solved now, thank God. However, as wonderful as it is to be able to retire the phrase #theseuncertaintimes as we resume our normal lives, yesterday’s briefing wasn’t without controversy. According to the CNN, the President went out of his way to offer well wishes to Ghislaine Maxwell who is currently jailed without bail on child sex trafficking charges. And here we thought poor Ghislaine was shivering in a cell without a friend in the world and nothing to keep her warm except a chunky blanket she hand crocheted from institutional toilet paper. Isn’t Donny a *peach?
This is terrible news for people who love public acts of pettiness and also hate Donald Trump. The shady shrug felt ’round the world might not have actually been that shady, as it turns out. People magazine says that a British journalist tried to clear the air about Princess Anne’s “These hands are for shrugging, not shaking” gesture at the Buckingham Palace reception for NATO leaders on Tuesday. And according to them, it wasn’t what it looked like.
Whoever Julian Assange has tasked with handling Pamela Anderson deserves a raise. If you want a favor from Donald Trump, having a big tittied blond woman blow smoke up his ass is not only the best way to get his attention, it’s the only way. Pam’s been one of Julian’s most vocal, and frankly, big tittied supporters, and has been using what’s left of her celebrity in an attempt to get him pardoned. To that end, her most recent stunt was to appeal directly to Donald’s ego.
The reincarnation of Jackie O has become so famous and important that she’s inspired art. First Lady Melania Trump is now a wooden statue overlooking her Slovenian hometown of Sevnica. Unfortunately, it looks like the sculptor was Cecilia Gimenez from SNL.