Cue up Michelle Branch’s Goodbye to You, and pour one out for life in plastic, because Chrissy Teigen got her Tupperware titty bowls removed. They were just twenty years old. RIP to many of the big boobies born during the 90s/early aughts, when hard-boulder-tits reigned supreme. Sigh. Something for our kids to read about in the history books. Continue reading
In 2007, Jessica Simpson attended the Met Gala (seen above with Roberto Cavalli, who made her dress). There’s one thing that sticks out to me about Jessica’s look more than a decade later, and it’s pretty obvious. That Clairol Natural Instincts brown is definitely not Jessica’s color. But for former Vogue digital director Sally Singer, it’s Jessica’s open-faced Chestica situation. Sally recently wrote about Jessica’s Met Gala boobs for Vogue’s online oral history of the Met Gala. Jessica didn’t love it and had something to say about it.
Legend has it that one time when Tommy Lee was vacationing in Vancouver, the 460-foot Capilano Suspension Bridge collapsed, leaving many people unable to get to the other side. Tommy simply shrugged, pulled out his life-saving dick, lasso’d it to the other side, and accepted warm hugs of gratitude from the people who safely got across by walking on his temporary bridge dick. So, you’d think that a dude with a big dick wouldn’t feel like he has anything to prove, but even big dick-havers feel like they have something to prove for no reason. Case in point: 56-year-old Tommy Lee posted a picture of his 32-year-old wife of 4 months Brittany Furlan in a two-piece, and let us all know that she’s so natural, organic, and grass-fed that even Gwyneth Paltrow would eat her.
The only tell-all from a Rivera I want is one from Chita Rivera, but Naya Rivera wrote her memoir. To sell it, her publisher pushed out a couple of excerpts about how she got an abortion on her day off from Glee and how she struggled with anorexia during her teenage years. But it’s not all seriousness in Naya’s book. She also writes a love letter to the Tupperware party in her chest.
Seriously? Janice Dickinson has given us years of faithful service as a glamorous self-proclaimed “world’s first supermodel” and fully-entertaining reality TV mess of the highest order, and this is how life repays her? First Bill Cosby, now this? Shame on you, life. You go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.
Caitlyn Jenner’s favorite face and body prototype revealed during an interview with The Daily Mail that she was diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks ago. I always assumed the chemicals in Janice’s military-grade implants were powerful enough to prevent even the most malignant of growths, but apparently I was wrong. A doctor found a pea-sized lump during a routine medical exam and sent her for a mammogram and biopsy, where it was discovered she had early stage ductal carcinoma in situ, or DCIS. Apparently that’s a common form of breast cancer. Somewhere, Lynne Franks’ boobs are nervously shifting around in her bra, like “I swear, I had nothing to do with this…”
But don’t cry any silicone tears for Janice just yet; she says she’s going to beat cancer with the same ferocity she used to allegedly beat Backdoor Farrah during a Celebrity Big Brother after-show.
“It’s still quite shocking. Today I got very scared…I just get very scared and it hit me. But I am not gonna let that define me, the fear. I’m going to get through this, I’ll be just fine kiddo.”
Janice adds that mom died of cancer, which is truly the cherry on this bummer sundae. But she’s getting through it all with support from her kids and her fiance, Dr. Robert Gerner, as well as spending lots of time in the garden behind her house.
“I go out there to meditate and I have gorgeous koi fish and see the butterflies and the rainbows.”
I think I speak for everyone who has a dusty VHS tape containing several episodes of The Surreal Life labeled with a piece of masking tape that says “DO NOT ERASE!!!” on the front by wishing Janice all the butterflies and rainbows today.
Prepare all your “Sure, Jans” – you will surely need them. Naya Rivera had a bit of titty problem at the Vanity Fair Young Hollywood party last night. Normally staring directly into Naya’s Grand Canyon deep cleavage would leave you dizzy or light-headed. But last night, the only feeling it gave people was a sense of wonder. Specifically, they wondered why it looked as though her left titty was trying get a better look at that fancy necklace she’s wearing. Well, good news – she has an explanation for that.
“Absolutely loved this @TadashiShoji look tonight for the @VanityFair young Hollywood party! Shout out to my son for the lopsided boobs. LOL #breastfeeding #momlife He is SO worth it.”
Baby Josey is apparently a tiny sorcerer who was blessed with the ability to relocate silicone. I don’t know how useful that skill is, but who knows? Okay, so we know why the boobs look the way they do. Now all we need to know is who is responsible for Kardashian-ing her face. And don’t blame the baby, Naya. The last time I checked, babies don’t have the magical ability to turn you into the Kim K version of yourself.