Legend has it that one time when Tommy Lee was vacationing in Vancouver, the 460-foot Capilano Suspension Bridge collapsed, leaving many people unable to get to the other side. Tommy simply shrugged, pulled out his life-saving dick, lasso’d it to the other side, and accepted warm hugs of gratitude from the people who safely got across by walking on his temporary bridge dick. So, you’d think that a dude with a big dick wouldn’t feel like he has anything to prove, but even big dick-havers feel like they have something to prove for no reason. Case in point: 56-year-old Tommy Lee posted a picture of his 32-year-old wife of 4 months Brittany Furlan in a two-piece, and let us all know that she’s so natural, organic, and grass-fed that even Gwyneth Paltrow would eat her.
The only tell-all from a Rivera I want is one from Chita Rivera, but Naya Rivera wrote her memoir. To sell it, her publisher pushed out a couple of excerpts about how she got an abortion on her day off from Glee and how she struggled with anorexia during her teenage years. But it’s not all seriousness in Naya’s book. She also writes a love letter to the Tupperware party in her chest.
Seriously? Janice Dickinson has given us years of faithful service as a glamorous self-proclaimed “world’s first supermodel” and fully-entertaining reality TV mess of the highest order, and this is how life repays her? First Bill Cosby, now this? Shame on you, life. You go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.
Caitlyn Jenner’s favorite face and body prototype revealed during an interview with The Daily Mail that she was diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks ago. I always assumed the chemicals in Janice’s military-grade implants were powerful enough to prevent even the most malignant of growths, but apparently I was wrong. A doctor found a pea-sized lump during a routine medical exam and sent her for a mammogram and biopsy, where it was discovered she had early stage ductal carcinoma in situ, or DCIS. Apparently that’s a common form of breast cancer. Somewhere, Lynne Franks’ boobs are nervously shifting around in her bra, like “I swear, I had nothing to do with this…”
But don’t cry any silicone tears for Janice just yet; she says she’s going to beat cancer with the same ferocity she used to allegedly beat Backdoor Farrah during a Celebrity Big Brother after-show.
“It’s still quite shocking. Today I got very scared…I just get very scared and it hit me. But I am not gonna let that define me, the fear. I’m going to get through this, I’ll be just fine kiddo.”
Janice adds that mom died of cancer, which is truly the cherry on this bummer sundae. But she’s getting through it all with support from her kids and her fiance, Dr. Robert Gerner, as well as spending lots of time in the garden behind her house.
“I go out there to meditate and I have gorgeous koi fish and see the butterflies and the rainbows.”
I think I speak for everyone who has a dusty VHS tape containing several episodes of The Surreal Life labeled with a piece of masking tape that says “DO NOT ERASE!!!” on the front by wishing Janice all the butterflies and rainbows today.
Prepare all your “Sure, Jans” – you will surely need them. Naya Rivera had a bit of titty problem at the Vanity Fair Young Hollywood party last night. Normally staring directly into Naya’s Grand Canyon deep cleavage would leave you dizzy or light-headed. But last night, the only feeling it gave people was a sense of wonder. Specifically, they wondered why it looked as though her left titty was trying get a better look at that fancy necklace she’s wearing. Well, good news – she has an explanation for that.
“Absolutely loved this @TadashiShoji look tonight for the @VanityFair young Hollywood party! Shout out to my son for the lopsided boobs. LOL #breastfeeding #momlife He is SO worth it.”
Baby Josey is apparently a tiny sorcerer who was blessed with the ability to relocate silicone. I don’t know how useful that skill is, but who knows? Okay, so we know why the boobs look the way they do. Now all we need to know is who is responsible for Kardashian-ing her face. And don’t blame the baby, Naya. The last time I checked, babies don’t have the magical ability to turn you into the Kim K version of yourself.
Yes, two. Just like the number of nipples I had to cover up with Drake’s giddy face in the picture above.
For those of you who usually need something a little stronger than coffee-flavored booze to get through a Monday, Rihanna has been kind enough to gift us with two videos for “Work“, the first single off Anti. I have no idea why RiRi decided to make two music videos for “Work“. Maybe RiRi got so high on space weed she forgot that she had already filmed a video for “Work“. Or maybe this is one of the “production delays” that caused RiRi’s tour from starting on time. Sorry everyone, but RiRi is too busy grinding her ass against Drake’s dick area to go on tour right now.
Regardless of the why, here’s the what. The first video features Princess Ooh Na Na and Wheelchair Jimmy making you wish it was still Saturday by horny dancing at a Caribbean restaurant. Well, “horny” might not be the right word for both of them. Obviously RiRi is horny as hell, but Drake looks like he’s about three seconds away from whispering “Can we cuddle for a bit first?”
Then at the 3:45 mark, we have the second video for “Work“, which features RiRi in a see-through shirt popping her perpetual-motion pussy for Drake in what appears to be an unused room from the “Say My Name” set. Just a heads-up – it’s little NSFW, thanks to an appearance by RiRi’s partially-covered nipples in the second half.
I like that Drake was able to reuse some of his middle-aged dad dance moves from the “Hotline Bling” video. What I didn’t like is that he supplemented the rest of the second video with some lazy middle-aged dad sitting on the couch watching golf moves.
In other Rihanna news, UsWeekly says that RiRi was well enough to celebrated her birthday at a club this weekend. That’s right, RiRi has recovered from the bronchitis that made her cancel her Grammy performance. It’s a miracle!
Susan Sarandon’s 69-year-old chichis took over the SAGs on Sunday and got a whole lot of attention. Even Kate Winslet was in awe of Susan Sarandon’s magnificent chichis. But not everyone was into Susan’s cleavage. Noted cunt plug Piers Morgan let it be known on Twitter that he thought that Susan’s look at the SAGs was highly inappropriate because she presented the In Memoriam segment and he felt like it was disrespectful to the dead. Um, I’m pretty sure that dead people love titty balls too. Here’s what Piers spilled out yesterday:
Would Susan Sarandon wear this to a funeral? No. It was thus horribly inappropriate for an In Memoriam tribute.
No problem with Ms Sarandon showing off her cleavage. Big problem with her doing it for ‘In Memoriam’ tribute.
No, what’s tacky is deliberately flaunting your breasts on TV for publicity, during a tribute to dead stars.
That started a cleavage war and chicks defending Susan Sarandon have been tweeting pics of their chichis at Piers since yesterday. They’ve been doing the same thing to Susan Sarandon as a way of supporting her (pun intended) and she’s been re-tweeting those pics. Susan also blew an air kiss of love at Piers today by tweeting this:
— Susan Sarandon (@SusanSarandon) February 4, 2016
What’s pretty impressive is that Piers didn’t misspell any words while tweeting with one hand and jacking off to Susan Sarandon’s chichis with the other. That’s what’s really going on here. But you know, I have to agree with Piers. The outfit that Susan Sarandon wore would be highly inappropriate for a funeral. I mean, she wore a white suit. Wearing white to a funeral is tacky! But if she wore nothing but that black bra and black heels to a funeral, then that would be totally appropriate and okay. Hell, I want her to wear that to my funeral.