Category: Butchery

The Newest Streaming Service Paramount+ Will Offer Up A Ton Of New Shows Including A “Fatal Attraction” Series And The “Frasier” Revival

February 25, 2021 / Posted by:

If you’re like me, then every month when you look at your credit card bill and see charges for Netflix, HBO Max, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Disney+, Shudder, Showtime, Starz, Showgirls+Max+ (that’s a streaming service that just shows Showgirls on a loop), and LookAtYourLifeChoices+ (it turns on your TV’s built-in cam and shows you staring blankly at the screen for just $9.99 a month), you think to yourself, “You know, I could use another streaming service.” Well, ViacomCBS has granted your wish! They are launching the streaming service Paramount+ and have pulled all the tricks to try to lure in your credit card number.

Paramount+ is offering up revivals that will scratch everyone’s nostalgia itch (FYI, there is already an ointment for that), will release new movies 45 days after coming out in theaters, and is feeding those who love to hate-watch the remake of classics. Something for everyone!

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TikTok Person, Addison Rae, Will Star In A Gender-Swapped Remake Of “She’s All That”

September 12, 2020 / Posted by:

Since Hollywood hasn’t finished completely fucking with my childhood, a new remake of the 1999’s She’s All That is apparently in the works, starring 19-year-old Addison Rae, the second-most followed (60 million+) person on TikTok. Yep, a TikTok person with no acting experience in a big-budget movie. That’s where we are right now. And if you thought that Hollywood has completely run out of ideas, the new version, which will feature a gender-swapped plotline, is currently titled He’s All That. You know they all high-fived themselves for that one.

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The “He-Man” Movie Is Happening And It Will Probably Star…. Him?!!!?

March 21, 2019 / Posted by:

It seems like nowadays whenever Hollywood is looking to cast someone in a big budget or big budget-ish movie, they don’t look for someone who fits the role. They don’t even look for someone who fits the role if you grease them up with Crisco, four kinds of lube, and a prayer before grabbing an industrial-strength shoehorn to shove them into that role. They just look for a ton of Instagram followers, and since Noah Centineo has over 16 million Instagram followers, he’s “in talks” to play He-Man in the reboot of Masters of the Universe. I wonder if during those “talks” a voice of reason popped up to say, “Err, so we’re talking to Noah Centino about playing He-Man? Not He-Child, right? Like this isn’t a Muppet Babies version of He-Man? Also, what drugs are you all on and why aren’t you sharing them with me?”

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Cher Horowitz Has The Perfect Response To The Unholy News About A “Clueless” Remake

October 26, 2018 / Posted by:

When those tiny sunglasses from the caca-encrusted bowels of the 90s made a comeback, we didn’t storm the streets. We held back our heaves while letting the children have their ugly fashion fun. And when the hideously horrible dad sneakers from the 90s made our eyes dribble out drops of shit from the ugliness of it all, we didn’t protest. But now the 90s comeback foolery has gone too far. And this time, something horrible from the 90s isn’t back to haunt us. It’s the opposite. Something precious and perfect from the 90s is being brought back to be butchered and pissed on by Hollywood before our very eyes.

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Yup, The CW Completely CW-fied “Dynasty” 

May 18, 2017 / Posted by:

I shouldn’t say that the Dynasty reboot has been completely CW-fied. I don’t think there’s a superhero in this one. Although, I wouldn’t be shocked if the first episode ends with Cristal revealing that she’s a secret DC superhero. The CW has to find a way to shit out a Dynasty/Supergirl/Arrow/The Flash crossover episode.

The CW held its upfronts in NYC today and announced that us worshipers of the original Dynasty have just a few months to prepare for the night when we’ll scream, cry and slap down our TVs as though we’re Alexis and its Krystle. The CW’s Dollar General reboot of Dynasty will stink up Wednesdays when it debuts after Riverdale in the fall.

The CW farted out the first trailer and the show’s first catfight, and Jesus be a last-minute cameo appearance by Dame Joan Collins, because it looks like a bland, boring dried turd. That “when you order something online vs when it arrives” meme was made to compare the original Dynasty to this basic Dynasty reboot. The original Dynasty was a flawless 10 carat diamond whose sparkles were so bright they burned retinas, and this shit is a dull counterfeit diamond made of off-brand peanut butter.

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