That’s “no clothes” for all you non French speakers. It’s that time again, when a bunch of famous types strip down to their nipple bits and fudge machines (copyright: Amy Schumer) for Allure’s annual Nudes Issue. The word nude usually implies this shit is going to be tasteful (“So, no open-faced butthole sandwich then?” wonders a confused Kim Kardashian) and this picture of OITNB‘s Laverne Cox is tasteful as hell. She looks like a bashful seamstress who forgot to pick up a new spool of thread and therefore is unable to turn that pile of linen she’s demurely humping on into a sexy-yet-very itchy pair of panties and a bra. It’s what I imagine a boudoir portrait of Jo-Ann from Jo-Ann Fabrics would look like.
I can relate to this picture of Laverne in Allure, because that’s totally the same face I make when someone goes to take a tits down ass up picture of me and I realize I’ve forgotten to check my ass for chip crumbs. Trust me, its happened before – the chip crumbs stuck to my ass part, not the tits down ass up picture part. Nobody’s eyes need to see that.
Of course, Laverne wasn’t the only one to get naked for Allure. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Beyonce! was joined by Jordana Brewster (who looks a little Niece Denise in the face), Vikings‘ Katheryn Winnick, Sleepy Hollow’s Nicole Beharie, and Catherine from The L Word, aka Sandrine Holt. Snore! Where’s the true nude beauty? Where’s our tasteful nude portrait of plasticine goddess Big Ang? You’re right, human eyes aren’t evolved enough to view such a gorgeous vision.