This is our fault. We did this to ourselves. At some point we’re going to have to take responsibility for ourselves as a country and accept the premise that it is, in fact, a shit hole ruled by oligarchs, grifters, charlatans, and DJs with Marshmello heads, and hopefully, commit to making the changes necessary to rectify that. Otherwise, all is lost. Even if Forbes’ Celebrity 100: The World’s Highest Paid Celebrities list is a dubious distinction, we have to admit that even if their formula is about as scientifically sound as the teachings of Dianetics, it does say a lot about what we value as a culture. And right now it’s saying we value Kylie Jenner the most. She earned $560 million. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but 2020 will do strange things to a person—Taylor Swift was ROBBED! Last year’s #1 dropped to #25 ($63.5M) and Kanye West scooted into Kylie’s former #2 slot with $170M.
In case you didn’t know, people in Europe have STRONG feelings about Eurovision. And people in the US have STRONG feelings about everything but Eurovision, so it’s a bit of a surprise to learn that an American version of the iconic annual song contest is in the works (but not too surprising because, after all, if there weren’t a minimum of 50 talent-based reality shows on the air, what else would moms watch?)
Past winners of Eurovision have included ABBA, Celine Dion, and Conchita Wurst. But I’m sure they’ll have nothing on Florida’s entry, which will probably just be a bunch of people whining about why they have to wear a mask while sitting on alligators.
The One World: Together at Home global concert event happened last night, featuring a ton of celebrities who, at some point, got tired of staring at the wall and instead decided to mic up, find the part of their house that looks the least opulent, and croak out some of your favorite karaoke tunes (mostly, sans fards) in real-time. It raised more than $127 million to fight coronavirus, and yes, Ellen DeGeneres found a way to piss people off… during a charity show. It’s a gift!
National Treasure (of Canada–we claim that French-Canadian Queen, thanks!) Céline Dion was on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon talking about her new album Courage. Well since Céline is about as synonymous with the movie Titanic as The Titanic is with icebergs, he had to ask her about a topic which has been reignited in the public sphere lately. Of course I’m talking about that goddamn door. Did Céline think that Rose could have saved Jack’s life by scooting over a few inches? She has an answer.
There is a REASON that Celine Dion is the Prime Minister of Canada. She is insanely qualified, insanely talented, wise beyond words, and ageless. Her skills do not STOP! She can pose with a shoe and she can hit those notes like a Québecois Queen! Celine is it. And thanks to her new fashion renaissance, Celine has been hitting the global headlines, and she’s finally coming for all of our wigs with a music video to reflect her glory. The video for her new track Imperfections is out and mama: it’s a RUNWAY! Canadian Titanic Fashion Gays: you are eating tonight!
Celine Dion is ready to roll out the red carpet for Drake, inviting him over to her house for dinner, offering to take him out for drinks, suggesting they sing a duet together, really just about anything he wants as long as he promises to keep her face off his body. Celine recently did an interview with iHeart Radio Canada and promised she’d do just about anything in the world short of looking at his “erotic watch”, to convince him not to get a tattoo of her on his body. And who could blame her! I don’t think I could sleep at night knowing my face was sweating out Drake sweat on the regular.