You’d have a better chance of fucking a stone man and not coming down with a raging case of genital Greyscale than you would getting on Cher’s internet on a Monday morning and not catching a Game Of Thrones spoiler. So consider this a warning. Spoilers ahead.
Some people died during last night’s Battle of Winterfell but it wasn’t “the one with the white hair” (Daenerys Targaryen) or “Curly Sue” (Jon Snow) which are the only two characters Michael K claims to know. And as disappointing as that is, there was still plenty good killing in “The long Night”, Episode 3, Season 8. If you could see what was happening, that is. That’s Brienne of Tarth in the header, and she’s so pale, she should be glowing. The show was so dimly shot that it “had many at home squinting and scooting closer to see if one of their favorites had just died in the dimly lit clash between the army of the living and the army of the dead” (via Vanity Fair). In other words:
— LA White (@OrangeMoon_2002) April 29, 2019
— Deanne Mullins (@worleygirl_74) April 29, 2019
Thank R’hllor for sending in his homegirl Melisandre because if it wasn’t for her or the dragons, we all might as well have been watching Antiques Roadshow.
— Nora Dominick (@noradominick) April 29, 2019
But let us get to the body count. With an assist from The Hollywood Reporter, I offer the deaths here in the style of Edward Gorey’s The Ghastlycrumb Tinies, but much sweatier.
B is for Beric Dondarrion who was gutted by Zombies.
Beric, played by Richard Dormer, had already died a bunch of times on the show. He’s the one with the eyepatch who told the hound to “schnap out of it” and help Ayra. He died helping her escape. Melisandre says the lord brought him back to life for just that purpose.
D is for Dolorous Edd, tried to save Samwell, but got stabbed a bunch instead.
Played by Ben Crompton, Dolorous was “acting Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch is the first main character killed in the battle against the White Walkers”.
J is For Jorah Mormont, loyal to the end.
Jorah, played by Iain Glen, died in the arms of Danayrous, to whom he’d dedicated his life to protecting. What a sucker.
L is for Lyanna Mormont, squished like a grape.
Lyanna’s was the saddest death for me. The mean mugging legend, played by Bella Ramsey, managed to kill the zombie giant by stabbing him in the eye before right before she died. RIP lil’ momma.
M is for Melisandre, who withered away.
I forgot this bitch was like a million years old but I guess the north remembered. After winning her Girl Scout’s badge for fire-making, Melisandre, played by Carice Van Houten, walked off into the sunrise and aged about 60 years in 60 seconds.
N is for The Night King, who No One killed.
Arya may be No One but she is also not The One, if you catch my drift. Baby girl shut the zombie apocalypse all the way down using the dagger that was meant to kill Bran back in season one. In case you don’t have room in your head for all this shit like me, this might help (via Time):
That Valyrian steel dagger has a long history on Game of Thrones. An assassin — or catspaw — used the dagger to try to kill Bran Stark in the first season. Littlefinger, who took the dagger from Catelyn Stark, gave the dagger back to Bran. Bran, in turn, gave it to Arya — so that she could use it at this moment to save Bran.
And here I thought Bran was just there to chill this episode. He sure looked comfy there taking his little bird out for a joyride while everybody around him was having a real wild night. Which brings us at last to the letter T.
T is for Theon Greyjoy, who died with no dick.
Theon, played by Alfie Allen, died protecting Bran while he took his little nap. He tried to take out The Night King, but got shanked instead. Hopefully he’ll be reunited with his long lost schlong in the afterlife.
Even though lots of people died, nobody of great importance died. Here’s hoping Curly Sue gets her due next week.
Pic: HBO via YouTube