Open Post: Hosted By The Full Trailer For Disney’s Live-Action Remake Of “Pinocchio”

August 25, 2022 / Posted by:

I still haven’t seen Baz Luhrmann’s Elvis but after covering it at length, I think I get the basics. Block headed boy is taken under the wing of an elderly stage manager type with suspicious motives and a broadly “European” accent played by Tom Hanks who pulls his strings to make him sing and dance which he’s not really good at until he meets a Black musician who animates his hips and the boy gets super famous and runs off to live a life of and debauchery and adventure before ultimately dying alone on the shitter. Have I got that right or did I just describe to you the entire plot of Robert ZemeckisPinocchio? I’d argue both are correct.

The newest trailer for Disney’s live-action Pinocchio doesn’t depict that sad, inevitable conclusion, but an animated wooden doll with a retractable protrusion like that carrying on at Pleasure Island as he does, is destined for a coronary when he wakes up as a real boy and sees the ravages his arboreal degeneracy has done to his mortal flesh. If nothing else, that painful oak gall on his nose will need to be looked at. Here’s the trailer which features Cynthia Erivo as the Blue Fairy, Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Jiminy Cricket, Keegan-Michael Key as “Honest” John the fox, Lorraine Bracco as Sofia the Seagull, Luke Evans as The Coachman and an innocent child actor as Pinocchio who I don’t want to name because I said some pretty dirty things about his character just now.

I’m sorry, did Disney really put Luke Evans in Captain Jack Sparrow drag for this? I hope this isn’t going to be their solution to their little Johnny Depp problem going forward.

That is so sad. Luke’s too good for this shit. This role would have been a perfect bone for Tom to throw to his ambitious young son Chester P. Hanks (yes, I know his middle name is Marlon but I really don’t vibe with it). Between Tom and Chet’s sweaty accents, Disney’s Pinocchio would probably be getting an unearned standing ovation at Cannes instead of going straight to streaming on Disney+ on September 8.

Pic: Disney

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