The season five premiere of Netflix’s The Crown is lurking just around the corner (November 9) ready to pop out and scream “OOGITY BOOGITY” at Britain’s new King Charles III which is just wrong given his age and general condition. He can barely tolerate holding a leaky fountain pen without screaming like a little bitch, so imagine what it’s going to be like for him to turn on the telly and see Dominic West’s weathered mug reminding the world that despite the fancy gold hat, he’s just a dude who got caught cheating on his wife. According to Salon, The Firm is nervous that The Crown will be focused on the interviews Charles and Princess Diana gave during that time, instead of on THE QUEEN who most likely spent the greater part of the 1980s and 90s tinkering with THE QUEEN-BOT she sent out to smile and wave while she hid out in the stables waiting for it all blow over.
Watch out Great Britain and its Commonwealth subsidiaries; there’s a new sheriff in town. And by sheriff, I of course mean unelected figurehead of an archaic, parasitic institution still perpetuating the myth of the divine right of kings. God’s newest special baby, King Charles III, ain’t your mum’s monarch. You won’t find old Chuckie Trips cooing at corgis and coddling his kids like his mother THE QUEEN. According to The Daily Beast, Chuckie Trips don’t play when it comes to his wayward son Prince Harry, and he’s about to get medieval on his ass. Or, more accurately, he’s reportedly prepared to go Prewar Era on Harry’s ass by having him “permanently exiled” from the kingdom, much like his great uncle King Edward VIII was after abdicating the throne in 1936. And Harry’s not the only Royal who might find themselves on the smooshy underside of Chuckie Trip’s iron fist. His brother Prince Andrew is reportedly stressed that Charles is going to kick him and his ex-wife Sarah Ferguson out of their 31-bedroom Royal Lodge house in Windsor now that mum isn’t around to shield him with her ample bosom. Damn, if I knew Charles was gonna be this ruthless, I wouldn’t have had all those ball caps made that read “Make The Crown That Bitch Again.”
THE QUEEN’S Corgis, Sandy And Muick, Were Brought Out To Watch Her Funeral Procession Arrive At Windsor Castle
Now that THE QUEEN’S farewell tour is over, body language experts and lip readers are probably soaking their overworked eyeballs in a Calgon bath right now after over a week of analyzing every teeny tiny move made by the Royal Family for any sign of drama. But before THE QUEEN arrived at her final resting place, King George VI memorial chapel, several of her beloved pets, including her last corgis, were brought out to say goodbye to her for one final time. And I don’t need to be a corgi body language expert to tell you that THE QUEEN’s last corgis, Sandy and Muick, were watching their human’s funeral procession while hoping that she’d jump out of her coffin, say, “PYSCH, I just wanted to fuck with Chuck,” before scooping them up and taking them far, far away from you know who.
Yikes all the way to Hell and back, baby. After THE QUEEN’s death last week, there was talk that a few of her beloved pet dogs–two corgis named Sandy and Muick, a dorgi named Candy, and a Cocker Spaniel named Lissy–would possibly go to accused sexual abuser Prince Andrew. And now sources claim that he and his ex-wife, Duchess Sarah Ferguson, will get two of the dogs. RING ALL THE ALARMS!
The only silver lining to have come out of Prince Andrew essentially getting away with murder (ing the last veneer of respectability for the Royal Family), was that at least he was broke, or so we thought, after having paid a reported $12 dollar settlement to make all that sex trafficking bother with his former mate Jeffrey Epstein disappear. However, The Sun reports that Andrew’s mum THE QUEEN probably didn’t have to sell jars of her Royal farts on the internet to help cover his payment to his accuser, Virginia Giuffre, because sources are now saying that Andrew only had to pay $3.5 to $6 million to settle the lawsuit in which Virginia accused him of sexually abusing her when she was 17. The Sun says that Andrew is so not broke in fact, he and Original Fergie just bought a $6 million house in the “posh” Mayfair district in London. So I guess Liz was just selling her farts for Love of God and County. God may save the queen, but THE QUEEN saves her queefs for The People.
Sarah Ferguson Stands By Ex-Husband Prince Andrew And Says She’d Marry Him Again If She Could Go Back In Time
After his family barred him from attending Sunday’s Garter Belt ceremony (or whatever the fuck it’s called), Prince Andrew was in desperate need of a public ego boost. So the disgraced Duke of York transferred some extra cash into Sarah Ferguson’s checking account and ordered her to sing his praises in a Times Radio interview. She complied. The most persecuted woman in the Royal Family says that her ex-husband is actually a very good man (we’ve heard this one before), and she will continue to “stand firmly” by him. The interviewer asked 62-year-old Original Fergie if she’d marry Andrew again if she could go back in time, and she replied that she would. Sweetie, if you are gonna time-travel back to the 80s, might I suggest advising your past self to take a beginner’s course in basic finance? Continue reading