Sources Say The Sussexes Have “Declared War” On The Wales By Releasing The Trailer For “Meghan & Harry” During Their “Super Bowl” Charity Event
If memory serves, America did an entire revolution so we wouldn’t have to be bothered with the goings on of the British Royal Family. So I am a bit perplexed as to why they keep washing up on our shores, looking for attention and dumping their family tea all up in our harbors. As if we don’t have our own traditions of feuding inbred clans to contend with! Page Six reports that sources claim that the release of the trailer for Prince Harry and his American Wife Meghan Markle’s Netflix documentary, Harry & Meghan, is part of a ”coordinated campaign” to “overshadow” Prince William and Princess Kate’s “Super Bowl” charity trip to Boston. And the Daily Mail says the documentary as a whole is tantamount to “a declaration of war,” which, as far as I can tell, ain’t got shit to do with the price of tea, which, BY THE WAY, should be free since we didn’t ask for it and y’all just dumped it on us anyway. I mean, we will take it. But we are not paying a penny more than we’re already shelling out for our Netflix subscriptions!
Lady Susan Hussey, One Of THE QUEEN’S Ladies In Waiting, Resigned After Repeatedly Asking Black Charity CEO Ngozi Fulani Where She Was “Really” From
In a totally shocking turn of events, one of the Royals did something racist. Introducing Lady Susan Hussey, THE QUEEN’S former Woman of the Bedchamber (a top lady-in-waiting), Lady of the Household (that’s the title King Charles gave her after THE QUEEN’S death), and Prince William’s godmother. Last night, 83-year-old Lady Hussey attended a charity event at Buckingham Palace, also attended by Ngozi Fulani. Ngozi runs Sistah Space, an East London non-profit that supports Black women affected by abuse. Ngozi says Lady Hussey approached her ten minutes into the event. She moved Ngozi’s hair (!!!) to look at her name badge and asked, “Where are you from?” Oh no. Ngozi answered, “Sistah Space.” Lady Hussey asked again. Ngozi answered that her charity was based in Hackney. But we all know that’s not what Lady Hussey meant. She wanted to know where Ngozi’s “people” “really” came from. “What part of Africa are you from?” Ngozi transcribed Lady Hussey’s horrifyingly racist line of questioning on Twitter. After the post went viral, the BBC reported that Buckingham Palace had released a statement saying that “the individual concerned” was sorry and had immediately resigned from her position. Prince William also made his own statement. He said, via a spokesperson, that “racism has no place in our society.” Racism? Bad? Groundbreaking.
Thanks to scores of Royal watchers, experts, reporters, and armchair enthusiasts, we know a lot of fun little details about the British Royal Family’s proclivities. Their likes, dislikes, quirks, and tics— from how THE QUEEN took her nightly gin to the reports that both Prince Andrew and now King Charles III still sleep with teddy bears— are all public knowledge. Still, despite near constant interest and attention paid to the minutiae of Royal life, apparently, nobody has bothered to find out how King Charles likes his eggs! And so, as with most societies that have been historically separated into the haves, the have-nots and the have-crowns, it is up to the average British citizen to decide for themselves how best to serve their sovereign. People reports that earlier today, one enterprising young subject took it upon himself to find out by lobbing raw eggs at Chuckie Trips and Queen Consort Camilla as they did a walkabout in the city of York. Turns out he prefers them cooked and on a plate.
Norway’s Princess Martha Gives Up Her Royal Duties After Being Accused Of Using Her Title To Promote Her Healer Fiancé’s Alternative Beliefs
Move over the UK, there’s a new Megxit in town! Princess Märtha Louise is stepping down from her royal duties after being accused of using her title to promote alternative healthcare methods and the teachings of Durek Verrett, her “spiritual hacker” fiancé of five months. You remember Durek (birth name Derek)! He’s a self-proclaimed shaman who’s besties with Gwyneth Paltrow, called cancer a “choice,” and has a medallion for sale on his website, which he says helps heal COVID. 51-year-old Märtha has also done some wild shit, even before she got with Durek in 2019: in one of her books, she wrote that she had made contact with angels, and, back in 2002, she was stripped of her honorific “Her Royal Highness” title after choosing to pursue a career as a clairvoyant. So I guess she saw this latest drama coming from a mile away.
Royal author Christopher Andersen has a new book coming out next week called The King: The Life of Charles III. In an interview with Entertainment Tonight, Christopher dished on some of King Charles’ weirdest quirks. Including the fact (err, allegation) that the 73-year-old travels with his childhood teddy bear and a custom-made toilet seat. Yeesh, I hope he doesn’t get those two mixed up.
The Doomsday Clock (Big Ben, I assume) for the British Royal Family has been set to toll at the strike of midnight on January 10, 2023. For that is the day when Prince Harry’s memoir, confidently titled Spare, will be unleashed on the world and the secrets buried within those hallowed pages will spew forth and wreak havoc on Harry’s dad, King Charles III et al. melting their faces clean off their skulls like that poor unfortunate souls who dared look at the contents of the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Cause you know Chuckie Trips and his rag-tag crew of minimally employed relations are gonna peek. They won’t be able to help themselves!