Category: Piers Fucking Morgan

British TV Presenter Jeremy Clarkson Is “Horrified” That That People Are Horrified By His Horrifying Remarks About Meghan Markle

December 19, 2022 / Posted by:

As we know, the British press can’t seem to get enough Meghan Markle in their diets, and some have resorted to scavenging the deepest, darkest recesses of their minds for imaginary scenarios upon which to feast. You know like when a cartoon character is starving to death and they picture their friend as a succulent roast chicken then act all surprised when they bite into a juicy thigh and Piers Fucking Morgan screams “ouch!” and all of a sudden everybody’s looking at them like they’re some sort of freak? Well, according to Reuters, that’s just what happened to Jeremy Clarkson, that exact kind of freak. A parched and pathetic Jeremy woke up this morning “horrified to have caused so much hurt” after sharing that he doesn’t sleep at night because he’s up “grinding [his] teeth and dreaming of the day when [Meghan] is made to parade naked through the streets of every town in Britain while the crowds chant, ‘Shame!’ and throw lumps of excrement at her.” And it’s not like he just said this at his local Wendy’s drive-thru either. His excrement-forward fanfic was actually printed in The Sun!

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Nazis Uniforms And Racists And Puppy Filters, Oh My. Here’s What You Missed If You Missed “Volume I” Of “Harry & Meghan”

December 8, 2022 / Posted by:

What? You didn’t have your alarm clock set for H8:AM GMT so you could live-tweet the Netflix debut of Volume I (the first three episodes) of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle‘s much-discussed six-part docuseries, Harry & Meghan, alongside Piers Fucking Morgan? No? Did you have something better to do? Well I did. Had something better to do, that is. But right after the elective, “all-natural” root canal appointment I booked with a “primitive dentist” I found on Craigslist, I fell/purposely walked into an open sewer and was, most, unfortunately, unable to participate. But I couldn’t miss out on hearing all the juicy details contained within Meghan and Harry’s “first-hand account” of “their story,” even if I wanted to. And I did. Want to miss out, that is. Alas, knowing more about the lady from Suits and that prince she married than I do about my own family is now “my story” to tell. And rest assured, it will be, to borrow a critique from Piers, a “nauseatingly self-serving narcissistic rehashed whine-a-thon.” I guarantee it. 

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The Cover, Title, And Release Date Of Prince Harry’s Memoir “Spare” Have Been Revealed

October 27, 2022 / Posted by:

The Doomsday Clock (Big Ben, I assume) for the British Royal Family has been set to toll at the strike of midnight on January 10, 2023. For that is the day when Prince Harry’s memoir, confidently titled Spare, will be unleashed on the world and the secrets buried within those hallowed pages will spew forth and wreak havoc on Harry’s dad, King Charles III et al. melting their faces clean off their skulls like that poor unfortunate souls who dared look at the contents of the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Cause you know Chuckie Trips and his rag-tag crew of minimally employed relations are gonna peek. They won’t be able to help themselves!

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Mickey Rourke Called Tom Cruise “Irrelevant” On “Piers Morgan Uncensored”

July 12, 2022 / Posted by:

New Suppressive Person just dropped! Piers Morgan tried to remake Battlefield Earth in his studio by inviting Mickey Rourke on his show, Piers Morgan Uncensored, where he glibly goaded him into talking shit about Tom Cruise. Mickey, who appears to be coming for Bruce Willisretracted bulk Razzie nomination with 10 dubious-looking IMDB credits in either pre or post-production slated for 2023, told Piers that he thinks Tom is “irrelevant in [his] world.” Considering that Tom’s practically a God in his, this is not the War of the Worlds remake we need right now. But I suppose it’s one we deserve for throwing all our little dollars at Top Gun: Maverik this summer. Mickey also accused Tom of “doing the same f’ing part for 35 years,” and said he wants to be an actor more like “Monty Cliff, or Brando back in the day,” which is encouraging. We might be able to avoid a full-scale intergalactic conflict by gently encouraging Mickey to look in a mirror and telling him what year it is.

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Prince Harry And Meghan Markle Are Reportedly Working On An “At Home” Docuseries For Netflix

May 19, 2022 / Posted by:

Ever since they turned in their resignations to The Firm, it seemed like Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were diligently putting the “non-working” in their titles as Non-Working royals. However, according to Page Six, Harry and Meghan have been quietly working behind the scenes shooting footage for an “at-home with the Duke and Duchess of Sussex-style” docuseries for Netflix. Page Six reports that Harry and Meghan were shadowed by a Netflix crew during their trip to New York City last September and sources tell them that cameras have been allowed to film inside of their Montecito home as well. Netflix may have bailed on Pearl, their animated series about “a 12-year-old girl who finds inspiration in a variety of influential women throughout history,” but they would very much like the tour of Meghan’s closet they paid for, like now. Yesterday even.

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Piers Morgan Says That The Original Fergie Texted Him Her Support After He Left “Good Morning Britain”

April 12, 2021 / Posted by:

Don’t worry about Piers Morgan, he’s got friends in high places! Well, sure, maybe Sharon Osbourne got taken down a peg or two after getting fired from The Talk, but he’s also got a real live Duchess on his side! Well, sure it’s the one whose roommate/ex-husband has been implicated in a sex trafficking ring, but Original Fergie is a real Duchess nevertheless. According to The Sun, in his most recent column for the Mail on Sunday Piers wrote that Fergie texted him with words of encouragement following his abrupt exit from Good Morning Britain last month. Sure, makes sense. She’s had her toes sucked publically before, so why not her ass?

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