Nazis Uniforms And Racists And Puppy Filters, Oh My. Here’s What You Missed If You Missed “Volume I” Of “Harry & Meghan”

December 8, 2022 / Posted by:

What? You didn’t have your alarm clock set for H8:AM GMT so you could live-tweet the Netflix debut of Volume I (the first three episodes) of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle‘s much-discussed six-part docuseries, Harry & Meghan, alongside Piers Fucking Morgan? No? Did you have something better to do? Well I did. Had something better to do, that is. But right after the elective, “all-natural” root canal appointment I booked with a “primitive dentist” I found on Craigslist, I fell/purposely walked into an open sewer and was, most, unfortunately, unable to participate. But I couldn’t miss out on hearing all the juicy details contained within Meghan and Harry’s “first-hand account” of “their story,” even if I wanted to. And I did. Want to miss out, that is. Alas, knowing more about the lady from Suits and that prince she married than I do about my own family is now “my story” to tell. And rest assured, it will be, to borrow a critique from Piers, a “nauseatingly self-serving narcissistic rehashed whine-a-thon.” I guarantee it. 

According to Variety, the three one-hour episodes that premiered “do not contain any direct accusations against Harry’s family,” outside of one we already heard about when a “distant relation wore a racist brooch to a family gathering.” See, now, that would be the Blackamoor brooch worn by THE QUEEN’s cousin, Princess Michael of Kent, at a pre-Christmas lunch in 2017. Why should I, a person who has never met a single grandparent in my life who would claim me, know that Prince Harry’s grandmother’s cousin is a racist old twat? I shouldn’t, but I do. Variety reports:

The docuseries gives unprecedented insight into royal life as well as the couple’s relationship, including footage captured on Meghan’s phone of Harry proposing to her in the gardens at Kensington Palace, photographs of the couple on their first-ever vacation, taken just months after they met, videos and pictures of their son Archie at home in Montecito, video diaries around the time they publicly announced they were stepping back from the royal family to live in the U.K., a glimpse of Harry’s secret Instagram account, which he operated under a fake name, private text messages between the couple and behind-the-scenes footage from public events, in which Meghan can be seen getting dressed and her make-up applied.

Absolutely riveting. Former Duchesses, they’re just like us! But it’s not all old news. Fellow “anti-racism activists” (per Vanity Fair, that’s Harry’s new bag) everywhere will be relieved to learn that Harry “learned from the experience” of having dressed up in a Nazi uniform for a Halloween party when he was an uneducated young twat. VF reports:

“It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life,” Harry said. “I felt so ashamed afterwards. All I wanted to do was make it right. I sat down and spoke to the chief rabbi in London, which had a profound effect on me. I went to Berlin and spoke to a Holocaust survivor. I could have just ignored it and made the same mistakes over again in my life. But I learned from that.”

Absolutely riveting. And don’t let all the lesson-learning and eye-opening fool you. At the center of Meghan and Harry’s story is a meet-cute for the ages! We should all be bracing for a comeback of the Instagram puppy dog filter, otherwise forever now known going forward as the Prince Bait filter. Variety reports:

While she was in the U.K. she met up with an unnamed mutual friend, who posted a video to social media – complete with a dog ears filter that was popular at the time. “I was scrolling through my feed and a friend had this video of the two of them,” Harry recalled.

Meghan and Harry – or “M” and “H” as they call each other – then befriended each other on Instagram. The docuseries gives viewers a glimpse into Harry’s long-rumoured secret Instagram feed, showing pictures of animals and sunsets, which Meghan says helped her see what kind of person he really was.

Absolutely riveting. And to think, with Harry’s pedigree, background, and family connections, he could have become a world-class nature photographer on par with Brooklyn Beckham. But instead, he’s chosen to use his divinely bestowed platform for the betterment of all mankind. And ladies, what’s preventing you from doing this!?! Don’t you want to help save the world too?

Absolutely riveting. We also learn that The Royal Family objected to Meghan being an actor and thought they wouldn’t last because of it and that Harry doesn’t have “many early memories of [his] mum,Princess Diana, but remembers “her laugh, her cheeky laugh. Her always saying to me, ‘You can get in trouble just don’t get caught,” a lesson that’s probably inscribed in the family crest, but in Latin, which is maybe why none of them have bothered to read it. Volume II of the series will air on December 15. Set your clocks accordingly. Piers will be waiting. And he’s very lonely. And a bit desperate.

Pic: Netflix via YouTube

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