Since the Demon Goblin of E!, Ryan Seacrest, was given immortality when he sold his soul to Satan many, many years ago, he doesn’t need sleep to function, so he got himself a 666th job. One year after Michael Strahan’s exit from Live caused Kelly Ripa’s belly button peen to throb with rage and scorn, ABC has announced who her new permanent co-host is. I’m not sure when ABC told Kelly Ripa that her new co-host is a trick who’s way more powerful in the game than she is, but when she did find out, I’m sure the ears of many dogs fell off and died from the high-pitched screech she let out.
Yesterday, Kelly teased that her new co-host would be announced today and I was thinking that she’d come out onto the set this morning and say, “And I’m pleased to announce that my new co-host is… ME! This show doesn’t need another bitch. I can do it all! It’s ME! ME! ME!” That of course didn’t happen. Variety said yesterday that regular guest co-hosts like Jerry O’Connell and Fred Savage didn’t get the job.
As Pimp Mama Kris instructed her minions to find her a lair in Manhattan since she’ll probably become Ryan’s new ko-cost when he pushes Kelly Ripa out of there, Kelly introduced him on the show this morning. Nearly every guest is going to look like a Jolly Green Giant when sitting next to these Little Green Sprouts. The guests are going to have to sit on stools (while slouching) as Kelly and Ryan sit on high chairs with booster seats. .
— Kelly Ripa (@KellyRipa) May 1, 2017
CNN says that Ryan will keep all of his other 665 jobs, which includes his radio show and all of the shit he does for E!. The building where Live is taped will get a new radio studio for Ryan. Ryan will also be an executive producer on Live with Kelly & Ryan, so it does look like ABC is grooming his ass to take over one day. Kelly confirmed that shit to The New York Times:
“It’s making sure the show is in the right hands — one day, eventually, I’m sure of it, I will retire. And Ryan Seacrest, who is a seamless broadcaster and a kind human being, is the one who can take this show into the future.”
This is probably going to end messy. And well, this isn’t good news for most people since, “I really want more Ryan Seacrest on my TV,” is something no one has ever said, but this is good news for Ryan’s bodyguard. Every time Ryan needs to throw a shank eye at his rival, his bodyguard has to pick him up so he can make eye contract with that trick. But since Kelly is shorter than him, his bodyguard doesn’t have to pick him up to throw a shank eye. So congrats, Ryan’s bodyguard!
And here’s Ryan with his beards at a MOCA event in L.A. on Saturday night.