No Time To Die? There might be no time to die but you’ll make plenty of time to sleep after listening to Billie Eilish’s Bond theme, which sounds like a cross between a rejected Ambien commercial song and the beginning of an anti-depressant commercial. It’s fitting that it’s the last theme for a Bond movie starring Daniel Craig, because this sounds like a hipster dirge cooed out by a sad mermaid. Basically, it’s very on brand for Billie Eilish.
Advance apologies to our British readers, but I don’t know who any of your “celebrities” are unless they are Dames, Sirs, Katie Price or Idris Elba. I may have no idea who Rita Ora is, but ya’ll sure do know how to put the “F” in Fashion (if the F stands for “fuck is this?”). The Brit Awards, Britain’s equivalent to The Grammys, were last night and apparently, the theme for the red carpet was “Party at Party City“. There were enough pinatas, clown suits, vinyl tablecloths, crepe paper ruffles, and discounted Halloween costumes on display to stock every single party store in Britain for the next millennium. Above is noted (somewhere) fabric sculptor and designer Daniel Lismore, who’s ready to serve as the punch bowl at your next Luau/Red Wedding themed get-together.
Nothing sells tabloids in England like transcripts of a wire-tapped phone conversation of the Royal Family or Cheryl Cole breakup rumors (what will her next last name be?!), but the latest round of relationship-on-the-rocks reports may be false…or at least not ready to be announced until some financial settlement is made. Cheryl was rumored to be in “crisis talks” with the father of her baby Liam Payne, and it wasn’t just a crisis of some of the fug fashion he rocks on Instagram. While the word was they were oh-so-close to breaking up, they both arrived to the red carpet of the BRIT Awards tonight in London looking like their usual Mrs. Robinson-and-boytoy selves. Continue reading
The 1975 is an English band whose albums I’ve downloaded, because my 14-year-old first cousin once removed told me that all of her friends love them and I still give in to peer pressure even when the person pressuring me is not my peer. (Although, technically I have the maturity of a 14-year-old. No offense to 14-year-olds.) But anyway, The 1975 (seen above looking like Manchester’s least popular Prince tribute band) were at the Brit Awards in London last night and in between performing and accepting the award for Best British Group, two of its members got “caught” smoking what looks like the good shit under the table. “Watch out, we got a badass over here,” said Keith Richards before fondly remembering the first time he smoked weed in a small space. It was his mother’s womb and it feels like it was yesterday.
Don’t let that screen shot fool you. That’s not a still from Kylie Jenner’s performance art video about being trapped in Pimp Mama Kris’ Satanic womb. It’s just Lorde performing in a sea of darkroom safe lights at the BRIT Awards last night. It also kind of looks like she’s a prisoner in a Pizza Hut red cup. But I digress…
After Lady CaCa splattered up her weird “Intel commercial on acid” meets “something you’d see at a Burning Man talent show” David Bowie tribute at the Grammys, his son, Duncan Jones, tweeted his review of her homage to herself. Duncan Jones tweeted the exact Google definition of “gaga.” Dude pretty much hated it:
"overexcited or irrational, typically as a result of infatuation or excessive enthusiasm; mentally confused." Damn it! What IS that word!?
— Duncan Jones (@ManMadeMoon) February 16, 2016
Surprisingly, Duncan Jones’ eyeballs didn’t melt into his sockets while reading the tweets from crazed Little Monsters who wished ass AIDS on his dog. Duncan Jones is still able to see, because he watched the BRIT Awards tribute to his father done by David Bowie’s former touring band and the Hot Topic chanteuse we call Lorde. At last night’s BRITs, Annie Lennox and Panty Creamer Gary Oldman told a funny story about David Bowie before introducing Bowie’s former touring band and the Tim Burton Kewpie doll who yodeled out “Life On Mars” while dressed like a theater usher.
Duncan Jones tweeted this after that performance:
Finally found the links to tonight's Brits. Just… beautiful. Thank you.
— Duncan Jones (@ManMadeMoon) February 25, 2016
I co-sign that, but with that being said, we’re going to forget about Gaga’s and Lorde’s tributes on Sunday night. At the Oscars, Tilda Swinton is going to sashay onto the stage and reveal herself as a David Bowie clone by ripping off her face mask. Then she’s going to beam herself up to their home planet of Mars to join her overlord, the Goblin King. That’s probably going to happen.
And here’s Lorde “canoodling” with Taylor Swift hater Diplo while going to Justin Bieber’s BRIT Awards after-party.
The BRIT Awards are happening right now in The Land of Many Cakes. As you can already guess, Adele is going to need a shipping container to haul home all her awards. So far she’s only won one: Best British Female Solo Artist. Adele kept her acceptance speech short and sweet, no doubt because she was saving her voice for the 1,293 other acceptance speeches she’d no doubt make later in the evening. But one of the things she made sure to do after thanking everyone was to give a shout-out to Kesha by saying: “I’d like to take this moment to publicly support Kesha.” I might be jumping to conclusions, but Dr. Luke can probably go ahead and cross the name Adele off his list of dream collaborations.
— Hollywood Reporter (@THR) February 24, 2016
Demi Lovato is totally sending Taylor Swift a text right now that says: “See? It’s not that hard.”
I don’t know if Kesha’s lawyers have decided whether or not to appeal a judge’s recent decision to keep her stuck in her contract with Sony. But if I were them, I’d be typing up a transcript of Adele’s acceptance speech and rushing down to the judge’s chambers with it as soon as possible. An endorsement from the current queen of music should be enough to have that judge overturn her decision. Right? I mean, unless that judge is Noel Gallagher, it couldn’t hurt.