When choosing what I’m going to write about on this lovely pre-Christmas weekend, one of the items presented to me read “Liam Payne says he has the biggest dick in One Direction.” Because I read too fast or I’m still feeling the effects of the three bottles of Prosecco I drank at a Christmas party last night, I read that as “Liam Payne says he’s the biggest dick in One Direction.” And I was momentarily taken aback by what I perceived as Liam’s refreshing honesty. Because, as he’s evidenced in the past, that’s a true statement! Alas, no, according to Digital Spy, he was really on Watch What Happens Live! and told Andy Cohen that he HAS the biggest dick in One Direction. I’ll be the judge of that, Liam! (Can I be the judge of that, Liam?)
If you were at the Silver Fox bar in San Antonio, Texas Friday night, you might have been unlucky enough to witness former One Direction-er Liam Payne, 26, get into a fracas with the bouncers over his girlfriend, 19-year-old Instagram model Maya Henry, being denied re-entrance to the bar. What a disappointment for people figuring a bar with that name is where you go to meet hot daddies, and instead, they were faced with a whiny boy bander trying to out-privilege our nation’s drinking laws
If Pop Star Bingo was a thing, you can be guaranteed that somewhere among the squares marked MISGUIDED ATTEMPT AT ACTING and PERFUME RELEASE, the bingo card would include a space that reads: PERFORMS FOR DICTATOR. It happens a lot. Mariah’s done it. JLo did it. And in 2015, Nicki Minaj performed at a Christmas party hosted by a company owned by Angolan dictator-type José Eduardo dos Santos. That may seem like Nicki likes money more than human rights. But that was then, and this is now.
25-year-old Liam Payne and 48-year-old Naomi Campbell have been a thing for a minute. Given how Naomi can cut diamonds with her steely AF “Kendall Jenner who?” gaze, there was chatter Liam’s friends were telling him to be careful with this one. To the shock of EVERYONE, she’s still showing him there’s one direction, and that is to head to the side and let her shine SOLO!
It’s escalated from puppy love and meeting with the president of Ghana to aggressively bumping uglies between Liam Payne and Naomi Campbell. Guess he has a type because, if you can believe a British tabloid, Liam is having “mind-blowing” sex with (ANOTHER) older woman. Somehow, I believe it’s mind-blowing because Naomi screams at him about proper positioning the whole time so she walks away pleased and he just whimpers in a corner.
It’s hard to imagine Naomi Campbell getting all soft and goofy over a boy. Yet she did, or at least she pretended to, recently when she exchanged kissy faces and heart emojis with Liam Payne, formally of One Direction. Now, according to Daily Star, things are getting serious and Naomi may even have been practicing writing “Mrs. Payne” in cursive on the inside of her Trapper Keeper (coincidentally, Mrs. Payne is also her dominatrix name). Naomi and Liam were spotted attending a concert together at London’s O2 Arena where they shared a private suite, reigniting rumors that the two have indeed been K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Put that in your Trapper Keeper and smoke it!