If Pop Star Bingo was a thing, you can be guaranteed that somewhere among the squares marked MISGUIDED ATTEMPT AT ACTING and PERFUME RELEASE, the bingo card would include a space that reads: PERFORMS FOR DICTATOR. It happens a lot. Mariah’s done it. JLo did it. And in 2015, Nicki Minaj performed at a Christmas party hosted by a company owned by Angolan dictator-type José Eduardo dos Santos. That may seem like Nicki likes money more than human rights. But that was then, and this is now.
25-year-old Liam Payne and 48-year-old Naomi Campbell have been a thing for a minute. Given how Naomi can cut diamonds with her steely AF “Kendall Jenner who?” gaze, there was chatter Liam’s friends were telling him to be careful with this one. To the shock of EVERYONE, she’s still showing him there’s one direction, and that is to head to the side and let her shine SOLO!
It’s escalated from puppy love and meeting with the president of Ghana to aggressively bumping uglies between Liam Payne and Naomi Campbell. Guess he has a type because, if you can believe a British tabloid, Liam is having “mind-blowing” sex with (ANOTHER) older woman. Somehow, I believe it’s mind-blowing because Naomi screams at him about proper positioning the whole time so she walks away pleased and he just whimpers in a corner.
It’s hard to imagine Naomi Campbell getting all soft and goofy over a boy. Yet she did, or at least she pretended to, recently when she exchanged kissy faces and heart emojis with Liam Payne, formally of One Direction. Now, according to Daily Star, things are getting serious and Naomi may even have been practicing writing “Mrs. Payne” in cursive on the inside of her Trapper Keeper (coincidentally, Mrs. Payne is also her dominatrix name). Naomi and Liam were spotted attending a concert together at London’s O2 Arena where they shared a private suite, reigniting rumors that the two have indeed been K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Put that in your Trapper Keeper and smoke it!
It was bad enough to feel solidly over the cusp of middle age when the teenage lads from One Direction broke up (or went on an indefinite hiatus, if you are a glass half full kind of Directioner). Then some of the boys started popping out babies and I felt down right Social Security recipient old. This morning I feel like the Cryptkeeper took a dump on my head with the news that Naomi Campbell and Liam Payne flirted. Yes, supermodel and professional phone thrower Naomi Campbell, age 48 and Liam Payne, 25 were flirting on Instagram so that 100% confirms that they are practically married already.
Those of you holding out hope Liam Payne and Cheryl Cole (or whatever her last name du jour is) are going to pull a “we were on a break” and run back into each others arms, erm…maybe don’t read further? Just one month after those two broke up, Liam has been tracked down at Lake Como in Italy partaking in PDA with an American model! Has he no class?! Who does he think he is? A musician with a penis? Continue reading