Now we know why Disney decided to do an all-CGI remake (although, it’s supposed to be GAME CHANGING!) of their cartoon movie The Lion King. It isn’t just because those greedy overlords at Disney knew that they could throw their logo on any summertime movie and it’ll allow them to say, “Sure, order four!”, with ease when Mickey Mouse calls asking if he can order another crate of vintage Dom Perignon while partying with his side-hos and Leonardo DiCaprio on his yacht in Italy somewhere. They knew that if they got Beyonce to graciously possess the body of a CGI Nala with her ethereal holiness, they might also get her to make an entire Lion King album, and then they’d make even more money.
Well, Mickey Mouse can go ahead and make it rain $1,000 cashiers checks instead of $100 bills on his yacht girls this summer, because Beyonce (and her ghost curators) has curated an entire album inspired by The Lion King.
As promised, Hollywood has delivered a reboot of the 2000 Nancy Meyers film, What Women Want called What Men Want, and the first trailer was released today. If you’re into Taraji P. Henson in top-shelf power bitch business suits, you’re going to be all over this movie.
In the trailer, we learn that instead of advertising executive Mel Gibson creeping on women’s brains, it’s sports agent Taraji P. Henson using men’s thoughts against them in an attempt to break through the glass ceiling.
That image above is from right after Taraji’s character discovers what her brain can do. And honestly, that’s probably the same face I’d make if I had just discovered that I was now trapped in a mental prison that involved hearing the inner thoughts of the men around me. I live two doors down from a frat house, so my skull would basically be a never-ending nightmare box filled with inner-monologues about MMA, “smoking hot broads” and Jägermeister.
In What Women Want, Mel Gibson gained access to women’s minds by falling into the bathtub while holding a hairdryer. In What Men Want, Taraji’s magic happens after she meets with a psychic played by Erykah Badu, who offers her some jasmine tea with just a pinch of weed, peyote, and crack. Is Erykah even playing a character? That is kind of how she dresses in real life, and some of the shit she’s said recently definitely sounds like the work of drug tea. Why do I get the feeling that at least once, as she was pouring that tea, she looked at the cameras and said: “So, are you guys filming a movie?”
Before we fully get into the river of depressing smegma that this news week will probably bring, let’s raise a wig and celebrate some happy news: RuPaul finally got his hands around his first Emmy after being in the TV game for eons. HalleluRu!
If award shows always got it right, Ru would’ve gotten his first Emmy in the 90s for Best And Most Glamorous Talk Show host for Vh1’s The RuPaul Show. But since award shows mostly never get it right, that didn’t happen. It only took 20 years, but the title “Emmy-winning RuPaul” is finally a fact.
Tracy Morgan returned to SNL last night, and he seemed pretty well recovered from his horrific bus accident back in June of 2014. Once you hear that someone sustained brain damage, you automatically cringe and think they’re screwed for life. He seems like he’s doing ok. Morgan joked that he thinks he actually might have gained a few IQ points since the crash.
Welcome back, Tracy. Hopefully the accident knocked that intent to stab your son to death if he ever came out as gay out of your head. (Yes, the chip on my shoulder is massive. I’m working on it in therapy.)
The cast of 30 Rock united for the cold open (except for Lutz which was a damn shame):
And Tracy Morgan also resurrected Brian Fellow! (Note from Michael: That attention whoring camel really needs to be a regular cast member):
And here’s Tracy, his wife Megan Wollover,
Bernie Sanders Larry David, Jane Krakowski, two Jonai, Demi Lovato and Gigi Hadid outside of the after-party.
It’s been 15 months since the fatal limo bus crash that put Tracy Morgan in the hospital and his beautiful bulging stomach into temporary retirement, and I guess he’s feeling a whole hell of a lot better, because Tracy made an appearance at the Primetime Emmy Awards last night and served up some Tracy Jordan realness. I can almost hear Liz Lemon sighing before telling Kenneth: “Keep an eye on him, and make sure his pants aren’t next.”
Tracy was there to present the Outstanding Drama Series award (which went to Game of Thrones), and for the most part he kept it serious. The audience gave him a standing ovation when he walked out on stage in a fancy-ass suit (Thanks, Walmart!), and he thanked everyone for their “love, prayers and positive thoughts.” He also kept his gut tucked away, because flashing your swollen bowling ball is really more of a Daytime Emmys move. Eventually he proved Tracy is still Tracy by making a pregnancy joke:
“When I finally regained consciousness, I was ecstatic to learn I wasn’t the one who messed up. Only recently I’ve started to feel like myself again, which means a whole lotta young women gonna get pregnant at the after party.”
Here’s the full video of his speech. You know Grizz and Dot Com totally felt cheated that they didn’t get a shout-out.
And in 9 months, the US population will almost double in size. Sure, 98% of it will be thanks to the Duggars and their constant baby-making, but I’m sure a couple of those new babies will be the result of Tracy’s recuperated sperms.
Speaking of babies, here’s Tracy, Tracy’s pregnant lady-looking gut, Tracy’s “new wife” Megan Wollover, and their 2-year-old daugher Maven.
Tracy Morgan talked to smug in a suit Matt Lauer on Today this morning and it was his first interview since a Walmart tractor-trailer crashed into his limo bus last June. The accident killed his friend, comedian James McNair, and left him with a brain injury and fucked-up bones. Walmart reportedly settled with James McNair’s family for $10 million and they also settled with Tracy. Tracy signed one of those “You Say Shit And We Sue For Our Money Back” contracts, so he can’t say how much Walmart settled for, but I’m guessing he got almost enough money to buy the Discovery Channel so he can make Shark Week every week.
Tracy told Matt Lauer that he was in a coma for two weeks and remembers nothing about the accident. While some of us would not want to watch the video of our car crash and would rather fill our heads with moving pictures of tiny kittens yawning while wearing bow ties and bunny ears, Tracy watched the video of his accident on YouTube every single day. Tracy also watched the video of James McNair’s funeral, because it was his way of paying his respects to his friend.
“I had to know what happened to my friend. I had to know. I had to pay my respects, and that was my way. He was a close friend of mine, a comrade in comedy. He was a loving man, and he was a warm man. He was a good man. It’s just hard for me to see that he’s gone.”
Tracy wants to get back to comedy, but he’s not ready yet. He still suffers from headaches, forgetfulness and nose bleeds. The interview is pretty hard to watch, because Tracy breaks down and it’s also hard to watch because there’s way too many shots of Matt Lauer’s face.
I did throw a “que?” face when Tracy praised Walmart like that. I’m sure the executives at Walmart went “awww” for a second and then went right back to whipping their drivers and shouting at them to snort some goddamn Vivarin, because they got another 24-hour shift to do. The People of Walmart need their Mountain Lightning!