If you needed a reminder that you are doing nothing with your life, cultural icon Blue Ivy Carter just won an NAACP Image award, adding another highlight to her resume (that also includes, in bold font, being the daughter of Jay Z and Beyonce). Well, it wasn’t an award for shadiest side-eye, or best example of public civility and manners, it was for SONGWRITING AND SINGING!
Jennifer Lopez And Roc Nation Reportedly Clashed Over That Border Crisis Statement During The Super Bowl Halftime Show (UPDATE)
Jennifer Lopez and Shakira turned the Super Bowl LIV halftime show into an extravaganzaaaaa. They shook their thangs, brought the memes, worked the pole, and made a political statement about immigration in the U.S. But that last part was a bit iffy for some involved in the show, namely Jay-Z. It’s now being reported that Jay-Z and Jennifer bumped heads over the whole latin-kids-singing-about-being-American-while-trapped-in-cages thing. He wanted her to not do that. But the only thing Jennifer Lopez doesn’t do? Is drive to the Oscars.
Blue Ivy Carter is 7 years old and has already won a BET Soul Train Award in songwriting for her artistic writing contributions to her mom Beyonce’s song Brown Skin Girl. This reminds us all how useless our soccer participation awards are! Blue Ivy wrote the lyrics, “Brown skin girl, your skin just like pearls, the best thing in the world, never trade you for anybody else.” And I’ll sit here and wait for Linda Perry to try to snatch that award right out of Blue Ivy’s hands after accusing her of pulling a Beyonce, and then the Beyhive will swarm Linda like Macaulay Culkin in My Girl.
I can’t say for sure that Beyoncé is the most famous life form in the universe, as I have yet to confirm that information with an alien (Tom DeLonge, help us out here). But here on Earth, she’s the most famous person we’ve got – at least that’s probably how Beyoncé sees it. And as such, her children – Blue Ivy, Rumi, and Sir – are famous in their own right. As such, Beyoncé has recently developed a new argument for why she’s the rightful owner of the trademark for the name Blue Ivy. According to Beyoncé, the words blue and ivy are synonymous with her daughter. She’s her own eponym! Kleenex. Band-Aid. Jell-O. Blue Ivy.
Now we know why Disney decided to do an all-CGI remake (although, it’s supposed to be GAME CHANGING!) of their cartoon movie The Lion King. It isn’t just because those greedy overlords at Disney knew that they could throw their logo on any summertime movie and it’ll allow them to say, “Sure, order four!”, with ease when Mickey Mouse calls asking if he can order another crate of vintage Dom Perignon while partying with his side-hos and Leonardo DiCaprio on his yacht in Italy somewhere. They knew that if they got Beyonce to graciously possess the body of a CGI Nala with her ethereal holiness, they might also get her to make an entire Lion King album, and then they’d make even more money.
Well, Mickey Mouse can go ahead and make it rain $1,000 cashiers checks instead of $100 bills on his yacht girls this summer, because Beyonce (and her ghost curators) has curated an entire album inspired by The Lion King.
I never had the grave misfortune of walking in on my parents bumping uglies, but I did catch them in their bedroom playing a spirited game of leapfrog. OK, that wasn’t me. That was Betty White in an episode of Golden Girls.
During Jay-Z and Beyonce’s On The Run II show, a clip of them in bed together is show on a giant screen onstage. Their 6-year-old daughter Blue Ivy Carter was in the audience of their show in London last Friday, and while in front of everyone, lived the scar-making nightmare that many child faces when they walk in on their parents doing the gross act of humping on each other. Blue was more than happy to show concertgoers this week what she feels about Mom and Dad blaring their sexy time during a show:
Blue watching the interlude of her parents in bed LMAOOOO pic.twitter.com/lcHqubL67p
— tink. (@MissTink__) June 19, 2018
It look like she’d rather go see Aunt Michelle in a Canadian theater production of Grease than spend one more minute watching mom and dad try and create another drain on her planned trust fund payout. Hell, she looks like her mom just asked her to eat all her Brussels sprouts and agree to go without dessert for three months! If Blue gives that kind of reaction to artistic boning, nobody every use her mom’s footage from Austin Powers at a concert – poor thing may as well just leave the stadium and demand a refund!