Category: Today

Al Roker Has Prostate Cancer

November 6, 2020 / Posted by:

Today brings us some sad and scary news about American treasure Al Roker. The always game Today show host has a difficult challenge ahead of him. According to People, Al was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer and will be undergoing surgery next week to have the offending organ removed. Al announced his diagnosis during this morning’s Today broadcast. The good news is it was detected early. So hopefully Al will be back on his feet in time to get into a pretend fight with a sentient sweet potato as he gives his commentary on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

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Tracy Morgan Talked To “Today’s” Hoda Kotb About Coronavirus Role-Playing, His Pet Gorilla, And Donald Trump

April 7, 2020 / Posted by:

Tracy Morgan is a clown. And I mean that in the best possible way. So it’s not surprising that Hoda Kotb came away from interviewing him on Today with whip cream and seltzer in her hair. Throughout the interview, Tracy rattled off a number of wild and obviously untrue statements such as him impregnating his wife three times in three weeks, he and his wife sexually role playing as desperate “young maiden” and “scientist who discovered the cure,” him wanting to get his new pet gorilla tested for COVID-19, and Donald Trump not being to blame for the situation at hand. Oh, that Tracy!

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Shania Twain Opens Up About Lyme Disease Messing With Her Voice

March 8, 2020 / Posted by:

It’s been a minute since we last checked in on Shania Twain, our reigning shady country queen and one-time maybe Trump supporter. And for good reason. Shania’s been busy making movies, like that one last year with John Travolta and his wig, and the upcoming Christian-themed biopic, I Still Believe, starring that hot ginger from Riverdale. But, fortunately, everybody’s favorite least-impressed Canadian took some time to sit down with Sunday TODAY and get into her struggles with Lyme Disease.

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The Dance-Themed “Today” Show Costumes Were A Beat Behind

October 31, 2019 / Posted by:

The Today studio is haunted by the spectre of Matt Lauer dressed as Lucy from The Peanuts, and it shows. Of course, it wasn’t just Matt that brought a pox upon the Today studio that day, though he ultimately posed the greatest existential threat. October 31, 2015 was the day the earth’s core fissured, allowing Satan’s demonic load to germinate upon the soil, his evil issue taking the form of humanoid creatures capable of evil the likes of which have never been seen, in hell or on earth. The Today group costume has been whack ever since. This year’s is the worst one yet with a confusing and vague “Everybody Dance” theme. Where is the specificity? Where is the cohesion? Where is the gyrating blood lust invocation summoning the infernal damned to take their rightful place on the throne of man? Are we expected to quiver in the face of Al Roker with a Carlton Banks sweater over his shoulders and ill-fitting golf pants? Not today, Satan!

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Matt Lauer Allegedly Had An Affair With An NBC Broadcaster And Abused His Power With Another

October 16, 2019 / Posted by:

I didn’t pick this picture of the TODAY show team with any specific implication in mind. I simply chose an old picture from about ten years ago, because we’re about to dive into some older allegations about Matt Lauer. Ronan Farrow’s book, Catch and Kill, continues to give us more icky stories. These latest ones don’t have any allegations of rape, but they do have Matt allegedly getting with a co-worker, allegedly treating a co-worker like a “piece of meat” before pushing them out, and allegedly trying to get a job for Pippa Middleton.

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NBC News Fired Matt Lauer After He Was Accused Of Rape By A Colleague 

October 9, 2019 / Posted by:

So we knew that Ronan Farrow was coming out with a book, called Catch and Kill, and was planning to cover even more allegations about Matt Lauer that’d make you go down to the ER and say to the nurse, “Um, yeah, there’s a very good reason for why I look like I just walked out of BODIES: The Exhibition and that’s because all my skin straight-up and literally crawled off and ran far, far away. So yeah, I’m going to need new skin whenever you get a minute.” Well, say goodbye to your skin, because an interview from the book has been released and it includes allegations of Matt Lauer anal raping a woman who worked for NBC News. Welp, cut to a bunch of slabs of skin hitchhiking on the side of the road while holding a bindle. They’re out of here.

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