Page Six Says That St. Angie Jolie Dumped Brad Pitt After Finding Out He Passed His Peen To Marion Cotillard

When the trailer for Mr. & Mrs. Smith Go To World War II Times (aka Allied) came out, everybody, including this bitch, joked that it’s really not a Mr. & Mrs. Smith reboot until Brad Pitt leaves St. Angie Jolie for Marion Cotillard and Angie goes on to spend her nights drying her lonely tears on her boyfriend pillow while listening to Adele. Page Six claims that those jokes are fact and that St. Angie dumped Brad after finding out that he broke their vows on Marion’s coochie a la Française.

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Open Post: Hosted By The Teaser Trailer For The WWII Reboot Of “Mr. & Mrs. Smith”

Allied, directed by Robert Zemeckis, is about an American spy and assassin (Brad Pitt) who goes on a mission to Morocco in 1942 and meets a French spy and assassin (Marion Cotillard). They fall in love, get married, have a baby and of course, trouble ensues thanks to the fucking Nazis! This is the plot according to IMDB:

The story of intelligence officer Max Vatan (Brad Pitt), who in 1942 North Africa encounters French Resistance fighter Marianne Beausejour (Marion Cotillard) on a deadly mission behind enemy lines. Reunited in London, their relationship is threatened by the extreme pressures of the war.

It comes out in November, just in time OSCUH season, and also stars Lizzy Caplan, Matthew Goode and Jared Harris. The teaser trailer was released today and it’s giving me  “remake of Mr. & Mrs. Smith using the costumes and sets from Inglourious Basterds” vibes. Brad’s character and Marion’s character obviously get really, really close, so close that they share make-up. I mean, Brad Pitt’s mug is all kinds of Max Factor fresh in this trailer:

I really shouldn’t call it a reboot or remake of “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” until Brad Pitt drops St. Angie Jolie for Marion Cotillard, and years later St. Angie Jolie says in an interview with Vogue, “What Marion did was tres pas cool*.”

Pics: Wenn

* shitty translation done by the always flawless Google Translate

PEARLS! ALL THE PEARLS!

A wise ho once told me “You can be classy, sassy, or assy” (truly wise words to live by), and since we’ve already covered sassy and assy, here’s Lupita Nyong’o working some classy. Lupita is the definition of class to begin with, but she could have shown up wearing a pearl-covered coochie shield and I still would have thrown her into the classy pile, because pearls are classy as hell. You could throw the trashiest, dirtiest skank in a pearl necklace (not THAT kind), and you’d be all “Excuse me, madame – may I offer you a glass of Champale and a cigarette that I didn’t roll myself just now in the bathroom?”

But really, what more is there to say about Lupita Nyong’o’s amazing pearl-encrusted Oscar dress than: PEARLS. So many pearls. Every pearl. Sorry, oysters, all your pearls are belong to us. And by us, I mean Lupita; she has all your pearls now. Your job here is done, oysters; all you have now is being delicious when shucked raw and topped with mignonette sauce. And to Lupita’s stylist (who I assume is Pearl Van Oyster from The Waterville Gang), good job on the diamond earrings; I think pearls would have been too on-the-nose.

Here’s more of Lupita looking like the Atlantis entry into the Miss Universe pageant, as well as just about every other fancy dressed type at the Oscars last night, including Julianne Moore, JLo looking like the textbook definition of JLo, and the ghost of my last duvet Marion Cotillard:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

And Here’s Some “Say Yes To The Dress” Red Carpet Sophistication, Courtesy Of Marion Cotillard

Because my cable provider is a busted bitch who can’t get their act together and make a channel that airs nothing but Mad Men episodes re-cut to feature Don Draper topless in every scene, I spend a lot of time watching Say Yes to the Dress. I can basically predict the outcome of every dress based on hairstyle and nail choice of the bride. 10lbs of curled polyester hair? That bitch is getting a Pnina. Thick acrylic blow job nail tips? It’s going to have cut-outs around the waist and lace appliqué over the nipples (aka “something simple and elegant“).

Marion Cotillard, on the other hand, is working some dark short nails and slicked back no-fucks-given hair, which means that if she were on Say Yes to the Dress, she’s going to hate every dress that goddess Camille will pull for her before making a joke about wanting something that will look good with with her Converse sneakers. Then her grumpy mother-in-law Janet will shake her head and hiss “Marion, please, you only get one day to look like a princess.” And the fancy Dior dress Marion wore to the Critic’s Choice Awards last night is EXACTLY what she’d end up saying yes to if she was someone on SYTTD; it’s got a bodice she can wear a sports bra with and a skirt full enough that she can sit with her legs open.

Here’s more of Marion Cotillard at the Critic’s Choice Awards last night looking like a chick who is so fucking DONE trying on dresses at Kleinfelds, as well as Reese Witherspoon (who was serving up some last-minute bridesmaid at a David’s Bridal outlet realness), Jessica Chastain doing some kind of weird hair thing I would have thought was so classy when I was 12, and everyone else:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

A Check Is A Check: Chris Kattan Dressed Up As His SNL Character “Mango” For The CFDAs

If you had told me back in February that getting arrested for slowly weaving his car around the 101 Freeway while high out of his mind on pills wasn’t going to be the most embarrassing thing Chris Kattan was going to do in 2014, I’d have never believed you. But cut to last night, when Christ Kattan shamefully pulled his hot pants and tiny sequinned beret from the back of his closet to attend the CFDA Awards dressed as his seductive stripper character from Saturday Night Live, Mango. No word on whether or not they played “Missing” when he arrived.

But Mango wasn’t there because they were just letting any old SNL character in (if that were the case, the CFDA’s would have been shut down by the health department for illegal levels of glamour after Sally O’Malley kick-stretch-kicked her way up the red carpet). He was invited to the CFDA’s because he’s the star of designer Alexander Wang latest fashion film.

This will be the second time he’s brought back a sketch comedy character; last year he made a short film starring MADtv’s Bon Qui Qui, which wasn’t the worst, so we’ll see what he does with Mango. But of all the SNL, Alexander Wang went with Mango? Really? Was Debbie Downer busy or something?

Here’s more of Chris Kattan clickety-clacking for that Alexander Wang paycheck dressed as Mango last night with his date (who I hope also doubled as his designated driver), as well as the rest of the hot-to-lukewarm fancy hoes in attendance. Beginning at the fuego end of the spectrum of hotness, we have Betsey Johnson, who was muy caliente with her insane American Horror Story witchy memaw look and her glued-on polyester hair. Next was Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, who brought fierce evil twin religious cult realness (which one’s evil? Why not both!). Then things start to cool off. Blake Lively came dressed as Barbie’s no-personality cousin who works in Vegas as a showgirl in an Ambien-sponsored revue. And Lupita Nyong’o, who usually brings the heat, looked like she came straight from the set of Star Wars 7.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

But Does The Skirt Detach?

The Shrine Auditorium is still standing today and that means that Anne Hathaway won the SAG Award for Best Supporting Actress, because if she didn’t she would’ve screamed and bawled until the entire building collapsed into a pile of dust and tears. To accept her 699th award of the year, the 15-year-old theater nerd trapped in the body of an Anne Hathaway wore a see-through skirt over a shorty cocktail dress covered in black aquarium rocks.

I don’t know how to feel about this dress. On one hand, that skirt might be detachable and I have serious feelings about skirts that detach. It looks like something Lucille Ball would’ve worn to a funeral party in the 80s. On the other hand, methinks that skirt wasn’t detachable, because if it was it would’ve detached itself from that annoying ass ho as she gave another annoying ass acceptance speech (click here to see it). Bitch is always out of breath and she tries really hard to come across as humble, but she’s about as humble as Kanye West.

On a positive note, I am starting to like the mop on Anne Hathaway’s head. She obviously goes to the same barber as John Krasinski. If she shaved her sides, she’d have Justin Timberlake hair. I bet during commercials breaks, Justin and Anne shared a flat iron and a can of AquaNet in the ladies lounge.

Here’s a few pictures from last night’s SAGs. In order!: Peter Pan in funeral drag, Jaimie Alexander, Dr. Blossom, Jessica Chastain, B. Coop, Marion Cotillard, Claire Danes, a construction worker, Michelle Dockery, Nurse Jackie, Tina Fey, Jennifer Garner, the owner of the Hammaconda with Jennifer Westfeldt, Julianne Marguiles, Taye Diggs with Idina Menzel, Julianne Moore, Amy Poehler, Amanda Seyfried, Timberlake, Sofia Vergara and Naomi Watts.