In the knowing words of internet disciple Antoine Dodson, who prophesized this moment a decade ago, “Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife and hide yo’ husband” because Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt are officially single. That’s right, the pink construction paper heart that once read “Brangelina” has been ripped down the middle, and “Bra” and “Ngelina” stand alone, slightly altered versions of their pre-coupled selves. But you can stop jumping for joy thinking that this is the last you will be hearing from these mofos until they start publicly banging new people. Although the law has declared them officially single, Angelina and Brad are still hammering out the never-ending terms of their divorce (and probably because she wants him back!!!). If they could only take a pair of ripple edge children’s scissors and cut down the middle of their bank account and kids, we’d all be over this already.
Time for another update in the Brangelina divorce and custody saga, but don’t worry: this will be a quick one.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been trying to divorce for millennia (real time: two years) and recently things have been escalating. First it was reported Angelina got word-slapped by a judge for not letting Brad have enough time with the brood. Then we learned Brad was dating a genius MIT professor who ended up being way too smart for him and she ended up sticking with her billioniare hedge fund boyfriend. And now we have another update to all of this highly-relevant and highly-exciting information.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have emerged as the Ross and Rachel of Hollywood, and all of us are over here sitting on the side tables at Central Perk wondering how in HAIL is this they’re-getting-back-together/no-they-aren’t story going to end. Here’s how: Brad is going to be up the altar getting married to Sienna Miller, George Clooney, his sculptures, or some other valued treasure, and say Angelina’s name. Even then, it’s going to take another six seasons and twelve additions to the child army before they start bumping uglies again. GAH!
The L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services was mainly looking at Brad Pitt’s alleged drunken meltdown on a plane and his side tried to convince everyone that it was a one-time thing, but after talking to the kids and Angelina Jolie, DCFS has reportedly opened up their investigation and are now passing their magnifying glasses over other incidents that may have gone down. Yup, this mess got messier…
It’s been more than a month since Angelina Jolie (or “That Fucking Lunatic” as she’s known in Chelsea Handler’s house) filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. And since then, Jennifer Aniston has been dragged into the conversation, of course. Two of those times were courtesy of Jennifer’s friends announcing to the world that we should keep her out of it. Another friend has come forward with their thoughts on it all. Sadly, it’s not Marcel the Monkey.
From where shall I get all of my celebrity signed off on rosé wine now? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are deep in the throes of drama-free (*chuckle*) divorcing and the next piece of their previous life together to go will be their $60 million dollar estate and vineyard in Correns, France. UsWeekly is reporting that Brad and Angie have put Château Miraval up for sale. I like to drink wine. Does anyone have $60 million on them?