Why Do I All Of A Sudden Have A Craving For French’s Mustard?

Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).

Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:

1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.

2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.

But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).

And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.

Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

What In Cartoon Latex Sex Doll HELL Is Happening Here???

No, you’re not looking at Courtney Stodden’s long-lost half-human, half-whatever-they-make-cheap-dildos-out-of sister; it’s actually the Queen of Halloween herself, Heidi Klum! Heidi Klum’s annual Halloween party happened last night, and obviously Heidi is the only reason to care about that shit. As you probably already know, Heidi Klum loves Halloween. And this year, she decided to define terrifying by rolling up to her Halloween party as a humanized version of Jessica Rabbit.

Heidi posted a bunch of pictures on her Instagram showing her transformation from “Auf Wiedersehen” to “Leiber Gott, meine Augen!” (that’s “Dear God, my eyes!” in German). And basically, all it took was just a shitload of latex. Every part of Heidi is plastic: her lips, her tits, her ass, her ears, her eyes. Heidi Klum got the Heidi Montag special. It’s not so much Jessica Rabbit as it is what you’d get if Jessica Rabbit divorced Roger Rabbit’s annoying ass, but he missed her so much he had a Jessica Rabbit latex mask made and asked every trick he met on Toontown tinder to wear it while they had sex, but he accidentally left it face side down on the radiator beside a pile of purple condoms and it melted. It’s still 10000% more effort than most people put into their Halloween costumes though, so it gets a thumbs up from me.

With all that being said, you know Kim Kardashian just texted this picture of Heidi Klum to all her sisters with the words “Gorgeous, right? So natural. Trying to find out the name of her surgeon right now.”

Here’s more of Heidi Rabbit last night, as well as all the other famous people at her party, including Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart dressed as Marc Anthony, Emily Ratajowski as Marge Simpson, and Shanina Shaik as “Pour It Up” Rihanna (which is Slutoween commitment, considering it was cold as HELL last night).

Pics: Splash

Zooey Deschanel Gave Her Baby A Very Zooey Deschanel Name

Ukelette Doily, Sassafras Anjou, Winnifred Clementine and Dew Drop Paper Rose are just a few of the names I guessed Etsy yarn doll Zooey Deschanel would name the bundle of baby she gave birth to in Austin, TX a few months ago. Sadly, Zooey and her hipster husband Jacob Pechenik didn’t go with any of those names, but they gave their baby daughter a name that puts the twee in twee. These two are otter their minds (the gong is in the shop so you can’t GONG me this time), because they named their daughter the adorkable name of Elsie Otter. Elsie. Otter.

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Oh, It’s Just Jennifer Lopez Reminding You That She’s Very Sexy

Living shimmer brick Jennifer Lopez celebrated her 46th birthday last night at a club in the Hamptons, and she wore…whatever you’d call this. It looks sort of like a dress that was made from those tissue paper thongs they give you when you go get your snatch waxed and some factory defect sheer panel shapewear. Regardless of whatever it is, JLo is working the hell out of it. She’s serving up classy funeral stripper realness, and I love it.

JLo’s dress is hot (vaguely slutty + covered shoulders = always a hot combo), but sadly, it’s nothing compared to the overwhelming beauty that was her 45th birthday cake. Maybe that would explain JLo’s dress. Maybe when it came time to get dressed for this year’s birthday party, a vision of that exquisite buttercream nightmare flashed before her eyes and it whispered “Girl, you need to step up your game this year, because I set the bar very high.” And that’s how several pairs of black pantyhose became an dress.

And if this is what JLo wears to her 46th birthday party, I can’t wait to see what kind of next-level “I’M STILL VERY SEXY” eleganza she pulls out for her 50th. I’m sure there’s a team of stylists working on a single stretch mesh ribbon as we speak.

Here’s more of a newly 46-year-old JLo arriving to her birthday party last night with her professional…uh…boyfriend (???) Casper Smart. Also at the party was French Montana, who appeared to be wearing an ill-fitting children’s Tony Manero costume from a Party City outlet store.

Pics: Splash

Jennifer Lopez Is Officially Doing Casper Smart Again

E! News says that after tons of on-again off-again business (some of it real, some of it maybe cooked up for that Cougar Next Door movie), Jennifer Lopez is back together with Casper Smart. “Good for him!” shouted every aspiring gold digger and kept man, as they popped a celebratory bottle of Baby Duck in his honor.

For the past couple months, it was rumored that JLo let Sid from Toy Story‘s next of kin creep back into her life, but they both kept their lips sealed and wouldn’t say whether they were humping again or not. I know, it was keeping me awake at night too. But it sounds you’ll no longer find Casper’s profile on SugarMatch.com, because E! News has “learned” that they’re officially a couple again. JLo went ahead and pretty much confirmed the news herself by posting this super low-res picture (seriously JLo, get it together) of Casper to Instagram yesterday.

For those of you who need a translation of that caption, “#MCM” means Man Crush Monday, “#lovethispic” means JLo might be legally blind (honestly, its like 72 dpi), and “#HandsomeBear” means JLo should consider watching a couple episodes of Kratts’ Creatures, because if anything, Casper looks more like a #HandsomeBostonTerrier.

I know I should probably be side-eying both of these two for doing the lazy thing and getting back together, but the shameless whore in me couldn’t be any happier for them. Casper is getting that cash and JLo is getting that 28-year-old ass. Congrats, you two!

JLo Lied To Us All! How Will We Ever Learn To Trust Anyone Again?

When JLo and Casper the Douchey Gold Digger broke up, nearly everyone broke up with their pieces, because if an egomaniac and Frogger’s maybe cheating, glory hole-trolling cousin can’t make it, who can?! Well, it turns out they can make, because they’ve been making it this entire time. That’s what TMZ says anyway. When JLo said that she’s happy to be single, what she really meant is that she’s a STUNT QUEEN who is happy to be tricking us all. Apparently, JLo never stopped doing the low-rent KFed and only said that to create “buzz” for that The Boy Next Door movie. Beyonce just bowed down to JLo and her shameless PR hustle.

TMZ says that JLo and Casper did break up last June, but they got back together a few weeks later. JLo didn’t say anything and pretended like they were done, because she and the producers of The Boy Next Door felt like they’d sell more tickets if everyone thought she was getting on her co-star Ryan Guzman. She also had a book about love she needed to whore out. For the past few months, they’ve been trying to keep it on the down low, but I guess they’re over that, because they kissed in front of the paps the other day. The whole “single for press” thing also worked for Casper, because he wanted to look single while shooting a UFC fighter movie nobody’s going to watch.

JLo had it right when she was lying about being with Casper Smart and she should’ve kept lying. I get that JLo may want to be with a piece she can boss around, but why Casper’s buff Jon Cryer-looking ass? Were there not better options at Boy Toys ‘R Us? Whatever, I guess the coochie wants what the coochie wants. Or maybe… JLo was trying to cross a bridge one day and she ran into Casper who was guarding it. When Casper asked her to solve a riddle, she got it wrong, which put a curse on her and she’s been tied to him ever since! Blink twice if I’m right, JLo.