Generally, well-tolerated kook Helena Bonham Carter admitted to having consulted a psychic to ask permission to play Princess Margaret on The Crown. But it doesn’t take a psychic to know that railing against “cancel culture” in defense of Johnny Depp and J.K. Rowling is a great way to transform yourself into a formally well-tolerated kook. Instead of paying some smelly hippy in a headband to read her Tarot cards, Helena could have just read the room and learned, FOR FREE, that J.K. and Johnny are perfectly capable of reminding us how much they suck without her help. Unless, of course, that smelly hippy with a headband was Johnny all along, posing as a psychic to trick HBC into accusing Amber Heard of jumping on the #MeToo bandwagon “because it’s the trend and to be the poster girl for it.” Say what you will about his aroma, but the man can really sell a bit!
Pour one out for J.K. Rowling, whose cup used to runneth over with cash, but now merely dribbles over with cash in slightly smaller denominations. Variety reports that Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore, the third film in the FB franchise, has opened to the lowest box office debut of any Harry Potter related movie to date. And by “pour one out” I mean, empty the rest of whatever swill you were drinking before cause we’re popping bubblies! Because even if J.K. is just $1 poorer for it, haha, serves her right. We may not be able to “cancel” her, in the modern sense of the word, but at least we can act a little smug about the fact that FB3 only made “a muted $43 million” in its domestic box office debut, down from $74M and $62M made by its 2 predecessors. At this rate, by the time Fantastic Beasts 8: The Menstruating Machlyes comes out, she’s going to be so poor she can’t even afford free speech!
J.K. Rowling Responded To Vladimir Putin Comparing Her “Cancellation” To The West Trying To “Cancel” Russia
J.K. Rowling took some time out of her busy schedule, counting her money and inventing binarily gendered fantastic beasts, to respond to Russian President Vladimir Putin, who took time out of his busy schedule, committing war crimes and obsessively polishing his desk, to compare his country’s plight, being sanctioned by Western powers, with that of J.K.’s, being made fun of on Twitter.
Last month Jon Stewart criticized Harry Potter and J.K. Rowling on an episode of his podcast, The Problem With Jon Stewart. And it has nothing to do with transphobia this time. Jon pointed out that the goblins who run Gringotts bank in the Harry Potter movies appear to be antisemitic caricatures. He compared the miserly, hook-nosed creatures to antisemitic illustrations included in The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, a famous anti-Jewish book from 1903. But once headlines proclaimed “Jon Stewart Accuses J.K. Rowling of Antisemitism,” Jon clarified his comments, insisting he loves Harry Potter and everybody needs to take a chill pill.
Voldermort to the rescue! Ralph Fiennes, the snake-faced antagonist from the Harry Potter franchise, has bravely come out in support of J.K. Rowling after she’s been called out for her transphobia. J.K’s consistent obsession with trans people has caused stars from the Harry Potter movies to publicly support the transgender community. Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe), Hermione Granger (Emma Watson), and Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint) have all responded to J.K.’s trans comments by showing love and support for the trans community. But there’s been those who have jumped to defend their checks J.K. Rowling. Like Eddie Redmayne, who is still in the Fantastic Beasts series, and John Cleese who also declared he’s Team J.K. while throwing in some perceived trans bigotry of his own. Well, now it’s time for You-Know-Who himself to side with J.K. in the age of cancel culture! How very Voldemort of Ralph Fiennes.
Mads Mikkelsen Confirms That He’s Replacing Johnny Depp In “Fantastic Beasts” And Wishes Johnny Well
A few days after a London High Court judge ruled that Johnny Depp is a “wife beater” and The Sun wasn’t committing libel when they called him that in the headline of a story about him physically attacking his ex-wife Amber Heard, Warner Bros. said to Johnny what Johnny regularly says to shampoo: “Your services are not needed.” Johnny was dropped from the Fantastic Beast movies. There was talk that Mads Mikkelsen is going to replace Johnny, and he’s now confirmed it and blew air kisses of support at Johnny. And yes, the stuffed pussy friend in that picture is judgementally thinking, “Mads, honey, do you need a check that bad? Is that why you signed up for those movies? I could’ve loaned you a few coins, girl.”