Category: Vladimir Putin

Steven Seagal Is A Russian Citizen Now

November 3, 2016 / Posted by:

Russia, hide yo puppies (and your pussies), because Steven Seagal is one of you now.

NPR says that Steven Seagal, who is looking more and more like a nutsack with a Sharpie goatee drawn on it, is now a citizen of Russia and it’s all thanks to his sweet Russian boo Vladimir Putin. Steven has dreamed of becoming a Russian and today, Vladimir Putin made that dream come true by farting up a presidential degree that grants him citizenship. Putin has man-crushed on Steven for a while, and in 2013, Steven used their bro-mance to “open doors” for six U.S. Congressional members who wanted to visit Russia to learn more about the Boston Marathon bombing. Putin also wanted to make his Aikido-kicking American sweetheart an honorary consul, so that Steven could work as a go-between him and President Obama. In other words, Putin has a real leaky boner for Steven Seagal.

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Lindsay Lohan Is Using Her A-List Star Power To Get A Meet-And-Greet With Putin

August 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Seen above giving you “washed-up and dried out, crab infested red seaweed” hotness, Lindsay Lohan has been asked to talk about her messy wreck of a relationship with Egor Tarabasov on a talk show in Russia, and since she lives in a wet fart bubble of delusion where she thinks she’s a gigantic star, she’s asking for a whole lot. LiLo is a monkey funeral away from becoming the Norma Desmond of our time.

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Lindsay Lohan Accused Her Fiancé Of Cheating And Claimed That She’s Pregnant

July 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan, perhaps unsatisfied with the amount of attention that her most recent Instagram foolery (think mail-order brides for peace) afforded her, called her fiancé out for cheating in a multi-platform social media meltdown. In multiple posts, Linds begged her Russian millionaire betrothed Egor Tarabasov to come home from the club, and accused him of cheating on her with a Russian hooker. Isn’t that sort of thing how she met him? Oh, and she also claimed that she’s pregnant. I’ll wait while you microwave a breakfast burrito because a lot went down.

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