Category: Love Is Dead

The Hipster Lesbian Love Story Of Our Time Is Over

May 5, 2016 / Posted by:

If it feels like the greasy, unwashed love between Kristen Stewart and French singer SoKo only lasted three minutes, that’s because I think it did last only three minutes max. But those three minutes were magical and when they weren’t bonding over their mutual love of shampoo hate, they spent hours deciding which Rugrats character they wanted to dress like that day. And now they’ve come to an end.

UsWeekly says that after a few months of bumping hipster ‘ginas and partaking in several hand-holding photo-ops, KStew and SoKo broke up. UsWeekly’s source adds that they’re done for right now, but they may get back together. The source didn’t give a reason for why they broke up. But any Robsten fangirl will tell you that they broke up, because SoKo could no longer take being in a PR relationship where after a long day of faking it for the paps, her fake girlfriend Kristen Stewart would go home to Robert Pattinson and their secret baby Juleare. They named their secret baby Juleare after KStew’s mother Jules and RPattz’s mother Clare. .

UsWeekly adds that at the Met Gala on Monday night, KStew spent time with Victoria’s Secret model and Miley Cyrus’ one-time piece Stella Maxwell.

SoKo dresses like a 6-year-old circa 1991 who one day woke up in the body of an adult and had to try to dress like one (think hipster Big) and I liked seeing her in paparazzi pictures, so this break-up makes me kind of sad. I had hoped that these two would get married, have a baby and pick out grave sites together. And since they were in a lesbian relationship, they would’ve done all of that by next week if they stayed together! I’m pouring out some small batch cold-brew kombucha for the end KriKo.

Here’s a couple of pictures of Stella Maxwell at the Met Gala on Monday, as well as pictures of KStew and SoKo’s love story throughout the ages (read: like 1 month).

Pics:, Splash

Kristen Stewart And Alicia Cargile Might Have Called It Quits

October 10, 2015 / Posted by:

I know I should probably make a joke about Kristen Stewart’s tongue sticking out of her mouth like that, but I’m too busy thinking about how sad the paps will be when they find out that they will no longer be needed to photograph Kristen Stewart and Alicia Cargile’s daily coffee runs.

The last time we checked in on who Kristen Stewart was bumping her vertical sneer against, she was proudly telling you to Google her name and count the 8,204,261 pictures of her and Alicia Cargile that come up. But according to Radar, your search is going to start returning 404 – Not Found errors, because the vague gayelle love between Kristen and Alicia is dead. A source tells Radar that KStew and ACar have “officially ended their relationship” after coming to a mutual decision. The source adds that it was an “amicable breakup.” But of course it was! It’s always amicable. There goes my hope of hearing that Alicia caught Kristen in someone else’s coochie jar and responded by dramatically throwing all her black t-shirts onto the front lawn.

As for the reason why Kristen and Alicia took a match to their relationship, the source claims it was because KStew is so busy and doesn’t have time to be in a relationship. OK, I believe that one; looking mopey and shrugging apathetically is a full-time job that doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for extracurriculars. Alicia apparently also didn’t like being Kristen’s carry-on.

“Alicia does not want to be a part of her jet-setting life anymore.”

Damn, you know it’s over over when you’re willing to give up that private jet lifestyle. Alicia’s going to realize she made a big, huge mistake once she goes back to flying commercial and finds herself sipping on a lukewarm cup of Sprite while sandwiched between the toilet and a kid playing Eden xo’s “The Weekend” on repeat with no headphones. Alicia, it’s not too late! I’m sure she’ll take you back!

Pic: Splash/INF

Love Doesn’t Live On This Planet Anymore: Geoffrey Edelsten Is Divorcing His Latest Gold-Digging Wife

October 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Quick recap time!

Geoffrey Edelsten is a 72-year-old Australian medical entrepreneur/tabloid mess who is mostly known to me for his impeccable taste for graceful American gold digging blossoms such as his second wife, the eternal earth angel Brynne Edelsten. Geoffrey has truly mastered the art of picking out the finest of gold diggers.

Gabi Grecko is Geoffrey’s 26-year-old third wife who is a former HSOTD, a DJ/fashion designer from Miami and is one of my current fashion icons because she always looks like she just placed first in a bad drag contest. Gabi announced in June that Geoffrey busted a load of jizz dust up in her and she got knocked up. Well, Gabi will soon be inducted into the Ex-Wives Of Geoffrey Edelsten Club, because they’re getting divorced. And their marriage isn’t going down without a scandal.

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Zac Efron And Michelle Rodriguez Aren’t A Thing Anymore

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

There will be no 0 carat, princess cut crack rock engagement rings. There will be no wedding where the guests will gasp when Michelle Rodriguez lifts Zac Efron’s veil and reveals his stunningly made up wedding day face. There will be no baby that’s a giant six pack with brows. There will be none of that, because Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez are done doing whatever it is they were doing for the past 2 months.

Several multiple sources (read: Zac’s PR bitch, Michi’s PR bitch, that Italian daddy, etc) tell UsWeekly that they had a major fight in Ibiza and left the shattered pieces of their genuine love on the shores of Spain.

“Michelle is going to do her own thing. Zac knew this about her when he got with her,” a second source tells Us. “He’s very into her though, and perhaps more than she’s into him.”

Indeed, despite calling it quits, Efron, 26, hasn’t lost hope on the relationship. “Zac still wants to be with her,” the first source adds.

He’s very into her” translates into “She gets the best kind of bad shit.”

Sadly for all of us, this shit ended without them leaking some kind of sex tape. Damn that Zac for ruining EVERYTHING. Damn him for making his scissor sister mad by stealing her stash. Or maybe Michelle’s the one who screwed up by cheating on him badly when she used the double-sided dildo they shared on another whore. Damn them both.

Here’s MRod mourning the loss of Zachelle by partying with some hot chicks at Nikki Beach Club in Marbella a few days ago.

Joe Jonas And Bland Eggs’ Long-Term Contract Expired

August 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Dear aspiring beards, immediately update your headshot with Kelly Preston’s Beard Placement Agency, because Joe Jonas is back out on the stroll now that he’s done with the Swedish model/graphic designer whose name sounds like the name of a character McDonald’s invented to sell their McEggs Benedict, or like the name of a dirty, messy sex act involving unsalted egg whites and a fist.

UsWeekly says that 24-year-old Joe Jonas and 30-year-old Blanda Eggenschwiler (whose name translates into “egg white omelet hold the salt” in the Norrland dialect) are over after almost 2 years together. It’s a sad day for the meaning of true love when Joe Jonas and a beard can’t come to an agreement during contract re-negotiations. Bland Eggs and Joe Jonas met through a “mutual friend”  in November 2012. Joe’s rep confirms to UsWeekly that he shaved Bland Eggs off of his face. The rep also spit out the same canned, generic response that every spokewhore spits out when a famous ho breaks up with their piece:

“Joe and Blanda have mutually decided to part ways. The split was amicable and the two remain friends, with great respect for one another.”

Some source tells E! that Joe and Bland Eggs broke up, because they wanted to do new things and that’s WAY too easy.

“It was mutual. They both wanted to do new things. Joe wants to be single right now and they thought it was better if they are just friends.”

While Joe and Bland Eggs were together, Blind Gossip hocked up blind item after blind item about how he’s a dragon-chasing heroin addict and she’s his supplier. I always side-eyed those blind items, because Joe Jonas’ eyebrows have always been as luscious as a black bear’s landing strip and doesn’t heroin eat your eyebrows first? Or am I confusing it with meth?

But seriously, they had a good run and they should’ve broken up after that sex tape rumor, because their relationship peaked when we all pictured Bland Eggs doing Joe Jonas with a long, fat dildo as he bit onto his purity ring.

And Bland Eggs should date and marry Arnold Schwarzenegger next, so her name can be Blanda Eggenschwiler-Schwarzenegger

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