Here Are Some Of The Movie Trailers The Studios Served Up During The Super Bowl

February 13, 2023 / Posted by:

Invariably, the worst food you will eat at any given Super Bowl party are nachos. Somebody’s always trying to be cute and do too much. And by the time they come around to you, they are a soggy, sticky mess that have been touched by way too many bare hands and you have no idea what you’re supposed to be eating. You’ll be all “Is this a garbanzo bean? And what is this… pineapple?!?!” Yet apparently, every single one of the movie studios that paid for a spot during yesterday’s game signed up to bring nachos. So we got served a dozen sloppy variations of cheese on chips when all anybody really wants are some hard-fried chicken wings and a cold beer. To which the studios all said “go fish,” and handed us a plate of Tropical Tuna Fiesta Surprise nachos instead (I’m looking at you, Air. Viola Davis is owed an apology).

The worst offender was Warner Bros who barfed up the most chaotic plate of the bunch with their vegan The Flash in The Pan nachos which were doused in 200 proof cooking Ezra Miller, lit on fire and finished with a sprinkle of seasoned assault. Here’s that trailer, in case you missed it while you were in the bathroom giving yourself an insulin injection after choking down Disney’s 100 Year Anniversary Cotton Candy & Treacle Over Churros desert nachos.

Oh, no wonder WB had to double down on Ezra. The only thing spicier than having Ezra Miller star in your nachos is having two Ezra Millers starring in your nachos. Especially when nobody in their right mind is ordering their nachos with Extra Miller! (similarly, the only thing dicier than having two Batmen in your movie is if one of them is Ben Affleck) It’s a big gamble, hope it doesn’t blow up in their face. When WB serves this in theaters, they better hand out extra napkins too. Now, speaking of napkins, I actually needed quite a few after digging into this plate of ALL BEEF Paleo nachos from Creed III starring Jonathan Majors and Michael B Jordon. And they weren’t for my face.

I hear just one of Jonathan’s hot beef injections contains approximately 6,000 calories. And they are worth it. For those who prefer something a little less rich, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny gave us a twist on an old favorite with Harrison Ford‘s Old-Fashioned Salt and Pepper nachos.

Sorry, Indy but I am still thinking about how many jumping jacks I’m going to have to do in order to work off those Majors calories from Creed. I think if I have a Majors shake for breakfast, I better Fast X for the rest of the day. Which is fine. Vin Diesel‘s All Roads Lead To Rome Trail Mix nachos may look substantial, but even with Jason Momoa as a sexy snakeskin M&M, these are mostly just filled with nuts and turkey jerky.

These poor Italians. First House of Gucci, now this? No wonder they think American food is a joke! And they’re right. There’s a reason why we’ve never heard of Jurassic nachos before, like we got in the trailer for 65 Million Years Ago. Sorry Adam Driver, but we’re going to have to stand with Italy on this one. Same goes for Scream VI‘s Bloody Mary nachos, Transformers Rise of The Beasts‘ deconstructed nachos which were really just some reheated queso dip with a whiff of scandal thanks to Anthony Ramos, the way too busy plate of MCU Mix n Match Guardians of the Galaxy III nachos, the absolute dog’s dinner Strays put out, and perhaps worst of all, the half-baked tray of Fully Loaded nachos that Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves dumped on our tabletop when we weren’t looking. The CGI cheese slathered all over these bad boys and girls for sure needed more time in the oven.

I can’t say for sure if Harry Styles spit on these before they came out, but I do know I’ll pass. Now please, for the love of god, let me finish my hard-fried hot wings with Majors dipping sauce in peace!

Pic: YouTube

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