After nine long months in a Russian jail, WNBA star Brittney Griner has been freed and is on her way back to America! This morning President Joe Biden announced that 32-year-old Brittney was released in a prisoner swap that involved Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout. Viktor, aka the “Merchant of Death,” smuggled weapons from Eastern Europe to Africa and the Middle East for nearly two decades. In 2011, he was convicted of conspiracy to kill U.S. citizens and officials and provide aid to terrorists. It sucks that this murderous trash bag is even being mentioned in the same breath as a woman who accidentally smuggled cannabis cartridges into Russia, but hey, that’s international politics, baby!
For some reason, this news is making me react like this meme, but maybe I’m just judgmental. Last year, Prince William “won” the prestigious and totally real title of“Sexiest Bald Man” from a bunch of cosmetic surgery specialists. From the top of my head, hotter bald men include Stanley Tucci, Jason Statham, and Johnny Sins. But this year, Vin Diesel has been handed the title of Hottest Baldie.
Congratulations! It’s an abuelita! The Fast Family just got a little bit bigger, as it seems to do every damn day (they use the rhythm method), with the addition of the one and only Rita Moreno who will be playing Vin Diesel’s grandmother in Fast X, the upcoming penultimate installment of the Fast and Furious franchise. Rita will be joining other franchise newborns Jason Mamoa, Brie Larson and The Transporter director Louis Leterrier who is replacing OG Fast director Justin Lin who bailed on Fast X after reportedly beefing with Vin. But if Vin thought bringing a sweet old lady like Rita into the fold would be without risk, he’s got another thing coming. Don’t FUCK with Rita. She cheated on Brando with Elvis for revenge. And it worked. She will bury anyone who crosses her. If Vin still has a single working brain cell, he better use it to have fresh flowers to be sent to Rita’s trailer every day because when the next Fast Feud comes, and it’s gonna come, he’s gonna want to have Rita in his corner.
The tenth Fast and Furious movie, Fast X, is being split into two movies–but they may wanna rethink that plan because pulling the first film off seems to be a bit of a struggle, so I can’t imagine doing this twice. The Hollywood Reporter says that director, Justin Lin, announced on social media that he made the “difficult decision” to leave the movie–but it seems the true tea is that it wasn’t that difficult. It seems that after a huge blowout over script changes, Justin quit that bitch, storming out and slamming the door. I’m sure that it wasn’t ten minutes before Vin Diesel was texting him pictures of the dearly departed Paul Walker to guilt him back in.
Dame Helen Mirren is on the cover of People’s 2022 Beautiful issue, namely because she is beautiful and famous and has a lil’ somethin’ called “swagger” (her words). But 76-year-old Helen says she was shocked to receive the honor, as she’s never considered herself beautiful. “And at my age!” Hot bitch please, we know you’ve seen those bikini pics from 2008.
Fresh off from entering the NFT/Metaverse arena that charges people for *checks notes* nothing of any physical value, Brie Larson is joining The Fastiverse, or whatever they’re calling it. Hopefully, Brie’s trip into the Fast and Furious movies goes better than The Rock’s and it doesn’t end with her calling Vin Diesel a “chicken shit,”“candy ass.” But it probably will!