Now that Vin Diesel’s feud with The Rock seems to be over with The Rock returning to the Fast and Furious franchise, it’s time for another fast and furious feud. Now, nobody was expecting Fast X to be filled with dedicated thespians competing for Oscars. But don’t let Vin Diesel know that because he’s blowing through all of the Stop signs. And after eleven films repeatedly using the word “family,” we’re all ready to be emancipated from his collection of car thieves once and for all. But since the checks keep rolling in, Vin and his crew will continue rolling down hills in fancy fast cars emerging unscathed for the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, the reviews from this latest installment are worse than a ten-car pile-up, and instead of Vin admitting this franchise has finally run out of gas, he’s supposedly blaming newcomer Jason Momoa‘s “overacting” on the film’s terrible reviews.
Invariably, the worst food you will eat at any given Super Bowl party are nachos. Somebody’s always trying to be cute and do too much. And by the time they come around to you, they are a soggy, sticky mess that have been touched by way too many bare hands and you have no idea what you’re supposed to be eating. You’ll be all “Is this a garbanzo bean? And what is this… pineapple?!?!” Yet apparently, every single one of the movie studios that paid for a spot during yesterday’s game signed up to bring nachos. So we got served a dozen sloppy variations of cheese on chips when all anybody really wants are some hard-fried chicken wings and a cold beer. To which the studios all said “go fish,” and handed us a plate of Tropical Tuna Fiesta Surprise nachos instead (I’m looking at you, Air. Viola Davis is owed an apology).
After nine long months in a Russian jail, WNBA star Brittney Griner has been freed and is on her way back to America! This morning President Joe Biden announced that 32-year-old Brittney was released in a prisoner swap that involved Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout. Viktor, aka the “Merchant of Death,” smuggled weapons from Eastern Europe to Africa and the Middle East for nearly two decades. In 2011, he was convicted of conspiracy to kill U.S. citizens and officials and provide aid to terrorists. It sucks that this murderous trash bag is even being mentioned in the same breath as a woman who accidentally smuggled cannabis cartridges into Russia, but hey, that’s international politics, baby!
For some reason, this news is making me react like this meme, but maybe I’m just judgmental. Last year, Prince William “won” the prestigious and totally real title of“Sexiest Bald Man” from a bunch of cosmetic surgery specialists. From the top of my head, hotter bald men include Stanley Tucci, Jason Statham, and Johnny Sins. But this year, Vin Diesel has been handed the title of Hottest Baldie.
Congratulations! It’s an abuelita! The Fast Family just got a little bit bigger, as it seems to do every damn day (they use the rhythm method), with the addition of the one and only Rita Moreno who will be playing Vin Diesel’s grandmother in Fast X, the upcoming penultimate installment of the Fast and Furious franchise. Rita will be joining other franchise newborns Jason Mamoa, Brie Larson and The Transporter director Louis Leterrier who is replacing OG Fast director Justin Lin who bailed on Fast X after reportedly beefing with Vin. But if Vin thought bringing a sweet old lady like Rita into the fold would be without risk, he’s got another thing coming. Don’t FUCK with Rita. She cheated on Brando with Elvis for revenge. And it worked. She will bury anyone who crosses her. If Vin still has a single working brain cell, he better use it to have fresh flowers to be sent to Rita’s trailer every day because when the next Fast Feud comes, and it’s gonna come, he’s gonna want to have Rita in his corner.
The tenth Fast and Furious movie, Fast X, is being split into two movies–but they may wanna rethink that plan because pulling the first film off seems to be a bit of a struggle, so I can’t imagine doing this twice. The Hollywood Reporter says that director, Justin Lin, announced on social media that he made the “difficult decision” to leave the movie–but it seems the true tea is that it wasn’t that difficult. It seems that after a huge blowout over script changes, Justin quit that bitch, storming out and slamming the door. I’m sure that it wasn’t ten minutes before Vin Diesel was texting him pictures of the dearly departed Paul Walker to guilt him back in.