Prince Andrew Has Reportedly Raised Enough Funds To Prove He’s Never Met Virginia Giuffre In A Court Of Law
One might assume that Prince Andrew doesn’t have much left to lose after getting fired from the one job he was born to do, but according to The Sun, Andy’s coffers aren’t completely bare (again) even though his ex wife Original Fergie‘s lender of choice, The Bank of Epstein, went belly up in 2019 and Andrew’s most reliable source of income, his mummy THE QUEEN, left him high and dry to go play with her corgis in the sky. Thankfully for Andrew, mummy didn’t leave him penniless and he’s presumed to have inherited “several million” from her. Andrew and Fergie also reportedly made £10 million from the sale of their Swiss Chalet. Add in all the money he’s saved on food and rent over the course of his life thanks to the astonishing generosity of the British taxpayer, even if you subtract the reported £3-£6 million he paid to settle Virginia Giuffre’s lawsuit against him plus the cost of postage required to keep in touch with his “dear friend” Ghislaine Maxwell, who is serving 20 years in a Florida prison for sex trafficking, why he’s almost got enough left over to slink away from public life never to be seen or heard from again. It worked for, Prince Harry, Great Britain’s 2nd most superfluous Spare, now didn’t it?
Megan Thee Stallion’s Former Friend Pleaded The Fifth At Tory Lanez’s Trial And Recanted Previous Statements She’d Made About The Shooting
As Dominique so rightly pointed out yesterday, what should have been a post-WAP victory lap of a Hot Girl Summer for Megan Thee Stallion, was transformed into a waking nightmare when “Canadian rapper” Tory Lanez allegedly shot her in the foot for reasons only very small men with severe prescription strength mouthwash-resistant halitosis and over-inflated egos masking a deep yet entirely justified sense of self-hatred and inferiority, can understand. So on Tuesday, instead of spending the day doing whatever it is that bad bitches like Megan do in the weeks before Christmas (buying thoughtful yet lavish thank you gifts for their assistants, I presume), she spent the day testifying in court about the worst day of her life. And yesterday, the hits kept coming when Megan’s former friend and assistant, Kelsey Harris, who was in the car with Megan the night she was shot and was allegedly offered a bribe to keep quiet about what happened, spent the day pleading the fifth and, in her words, “zoning out” on the stand, instead of helping Megan pick out really nice thank you gifts for the team. All because some crusty dude named Daystar Peterson rightfully hates himself. What a fucking shame.
If Prince Andrew woke up this morning with his ears burning, it wasn’t because another one of his idiosyncratic war injuries was acting up. It’s because 4,000 miles away in a Tallahassee, Florida jail cell, a woman Andrew claims to barely know, Ghislaine Maxwell, gave an exclusive interview to The Daily Mail and expressed sympathy for what her “dear friend” has been going through ever since she was tried and convicted of sex trafficking a minor and to sentenced to serve 20 years in prison. And if that wasn’t proof enough that Andrew and that woman he claims Kevin Spacey invited to Buckingham Palace to sit on his now deceased mother, THE QUEEN’s throne, were actually, in fact, at one point, two spoiled-rotten peas in a pod, Ghislaine pulled a total Prince Andrew by complaining about the variety of fruit available to her at meal times. Continue reading
Because of course, shifty pseudo cult leader Jared Leto is friends with shifty pseudo cult leader Elizabeth Holmes. Game recognize game and all of that. Speaking with Amanda Seyfried, who played Frizzy Lizzy (let’s make it happen, folks!) in the Hulu series The Dropout, as part of Variety’s Actors on Actors series, Jared said he met her after presenting her with Glamour’s Woman of the Year award in 2015 and they stayed in touch. In case you haven’t seen The Dropout, or listened to the podcast of the same name, or read the book Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup, or were in a coma when Frizzy Lizzy was convicted of fraud earlier this year, she’s a bad lying liar who lied a lot, badly! Yet well enough that she fooled many, many rich and famous people into believing she was the second coming of Jesus Christ, which is another thing she and Jared have in common.
Even with all the plundered riches of the word at their disposal, The Royal Family can’t seem to buy an inch of good press. Mostly, it seems, because they are so out of touch with the modern world, that the last time they tried to buy some good publicity, they spent their plundered riches on a state visit to the lands from which those very riches had been plundered. THE QUEEN’S big Platinum Jubilee is going to require some extra spit polish and elbow grease if it has any chance of outshining the scandals of the past few years. And the hits just keep coming. According to People, a new documentary about Britain’s most notorious pedophile, long-time BBC presenter and current sack of bones Jimmy Savile, has uncovered years of correspondence between him and Prince Charles. I know you probably thought I was gonna say the other one, but Prince Andrew is obviously too dumb to ask for help. But apparently, Charles frequently asked Jimmy for advice on crisis management and ways to modernize The Firm. He also asked Jimmy if he could talk some sense into one of his most embarrassing family members, Sarah Ferguson. *Spoiler Alert* It didn’t work.
Piers Morgan Says That The Original Fergie Texted Him Her Support After He Left “Good Morning Britain”
Don’t worry about Piers Morgan, he’s got friends in high places! Well, sure, maybe Sharon Osbourne got taken down a peg or two after getting fired from The Talk, but he’s also got a real live Duchess on his side! Well, sure it’s the one whose roommate/ex-husband has been implicated in a sex trafficking ring, but Original Fergie is a real Duchess nevertheless. According to The Sun, in his most recent column for the Mail on Sunday Piers wrote that Fergie texted him with words of encouragement following his abrupt exit from Good Morning Britain last month. Sure, makes sense. She’s had her toes sucked publically before, so why not her ass?