The Original Fergie Is Sorry For Taking Money From A Pedophile

Just in case you’re keeping track, the Original Fergie is still doing shit that makes the Queen want to slip off her sensible heel and smack the Duchess of Fuck Ups in the mouth with it. The Queen is saving the other shoe for Prince Andrew’s mouth, because he’s part of this latest mess too.

Fergie let out a giant public apology via The Daily Telegraph today for accepting $24,000 from convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein (The Frankenstein’s creature with a polyester platinum wig on his head in the picture above. I won’t believe that patch of silver came from the same field as Anderson Cooper’s!). Epstein spent 13 months in the chokey for getting with an underage hooker.

Just like her dignity levels, Fergie’s checking account is always empty so she used the money to pay off some debts. Even though the money smelled like old jizz and baby powder, Fergie still had no idea it came from Epstein. Fergie got the money from Prince Andrew who vacationed with Jeffrey Epstein. Prince Andrew has yet to say shit about this. But here’s some of Fergie’s apology:

“I personally, on behalf of myself, deeply regret that Jeffrey Epstein became involved in any way with me. I abhor paedophilia and any sexual abuse of children and know that this was a gigantic error of judgment on my behalf.

I am just so contrite I cannot say. Whenever I can I will repay the money and will have nothing ever to do with Jeffrey Epstein ever again.”

Fergie is officially THAT RELATIVE who borrows money from you and then uses the “I’ll pay you back when I can” line even though everyone involved knows that’s never going to happen. “When I can” = Never, bitch, so tell your checking account not to miss it.

That bitch will show up to your family reunion in a brand new jacket from Wilsons Leather and $500 rims on their busted ass Oldsmobile. When they feel your glare on their skin, they say some bullshit like, “Oh, it was a gift. Oh, I won it at the office party.”

But Fergie shouldn’t pay that money back. You know what Epstein’s going to spend it on, so she should just wear her new Wilsons jacket around him like she just don’t give a fuck.