It sounds like things aren’t going quite as well for Bill Cosby in prison as he had previously let on. Last we heard he was adored by all, feeling great, and luxuriating in the prestige that only comes with being an imprisoned civil rights hero and a political martyr. But all of a sudden he wants out. Like real, real bad. Like he dropped his harmonica down the toilet and his cellmate stole his stamps bad.
Bill’s been trying to appeal his sexual assault conviction since the gavel dropped, but he’s just filed a request for bail with the Superior Court so he can shit in private while that’s happening. Bill’s also released a statement explaining why he should never have had his toilet paper rationed in the first place. He’s a political prisoner don’t you know, and the racist judge is out to get him! Plus now there’s corn in his harmonica. Bill doesn’t even remember eating corn!
R. Kelly Is Still In Jail Because He Can’t Afford Bail, And Michael Aventatti Says There’s Another Tape
Robert Sylvester Kelly is broker inna mofo. In fact, Robert is so broke that he’s still sitting in jail today after turning himself in to Chicago police over the weekend and is unable to pay the $100,000 he needs to meet the minimum 10% on the $1 million bail bond that was set for him. If Robert has a pot to piss in, it’s courtesy of the Cook County Jail, and he probably has to share. And his woes don’t end there, despite the fact that his attorney Steve Greenberg entered the laughable plea of “not guilty” on all 10 charges of aggravated sexual assault he’s facing.
According to TMZ, Michael Avenatti has turned over an additional tape that allegedly depicts Robert sexually assaulting the same child that appears in the previous tape Michael turned over to the Cook County State’s Attorney. That one prompted the long overdue grand jury investigation, and the second tape sounds to be even more graphic and repugnant that the first.
Anthony Weiner aka Carlos Danger is on the loose once again and he’s already bending the rules. According to the New York Post, Anthony was released from federal prison after serving 15 months on a 21-month sentence for sending pictures of his dick to a child. Now Anthony is out, staying at a halfway house, and has registered as a sex offender. He also ordered some lasagna to be delivered, despite the fact that the halfway house has a big sign on it that says “You May Not Bring Food or Beverages Into This Facility. Stop. No Exceptions!!” Not only that, he only tipped the driver 10%. Typical fucking Weiner!
Bill Cosby is having the time of his fucking life in prison. He’s been there about 4 months and was recently released into/onto the general population. According to his spokesperson, Bill’s right where he wants to be, standing in the shadows, nay eclipsing the shadows, of the greatest civil rights warriors known to mankind (or womankind, wait no, just mankind). Vulture reports that Bill is having “an amazing experience” and compares himself to the likes of Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, and Malcolm X. He’s also been playing doctor with the his fellow inmates and offering diagnoses based on his experiences of acting out the role of an OB/GYN on TV. He’s probably also hanging out near the shitter catching corn-filled commissary turds left and right yelling “It’s a boy!“.
Suddenly, the guard moving the TV remote in the prison day room is the least of Bill Cosby’s worries. Deadline reports that an L.A. Superior Court judge has just granted a woman named Judy Huth a trial date of October 17, 2019 for her civil suit against Bill, accusing him of sexually assaulting her at the Playboy Mansion when she was 15. That means he’s being accused of child sexual assault, which is not going help his case for getting double Jell-Os on Wednesdays.