Tom Hiddleston And The Third Olsen Papped In A Car Together. Is Tumblr Still Standing?

Last night in London, the paps jumped on the panty creaming prince of  Tumblr, Tom Hiddleston, and the Olsen who doesn’t live in the hallowed out trunk of a rotten tree and lures small children to her lair with candy before nibbling on pieces of their pristine souls. Tom and Elizabeth Olsen left The Wolseley in London and the paps got on them as he hailed a cab. The picture above is one of the only pictures where the Marilyn Munster of the Olsens is showing her full mug. In the rest of the pictures below, she’s hiding her face the same way a one-night trick hides his face as he leaves my place in the daylight hours.

Tom and Elizabeth have apparently been boning for a couple of months after “getting close” while shooting the Hank Williams biopic I Saw The Light. They haven’t come out and said that they’re genitals are becoming one and last night it looked like Elizabeth was not here for the attention. But if I was her, I wouldn’t be hiding my face and trying to get away from the paps. I’d be laughing and smiling and doing cartwheels down the street before opening up my cape coat thing to show off my t-shirt with the words “I’m Going Home To Fuck Your Man, Tumblr. Cry, Bitches” written on it in sequins. And Hawkeye really needs to sit Loki down and give him a thorough lesson in beauty. Jeremy Renner would teach Tom how to properly blend so he won’t be caught with a messy fake tanner face game again.

Pics: Splash

Elizabeth Olsen Vs. A Gust Of French Wind

Wind truly is the shameless pervert of the weather world. It’s always blowing up skirts and blowing against the crotch parts of pants. Sure, rain makes everyone look like they’re starring in a low-budget wet clothes fetish porno, but at least rain helps flowers grow. Wind does nothing but embarrass you. Case in point, Elizabeth Olsen at a Miu Miu fragrance launch in Paris on Saturday. Chris Evans’ secret on-set girlfriend showed up wearing a dress from the Shirley Partridge Collection, and it only took about three seconds in front of the paps before that sleazy creep came and blew up her dress. Inappropriate, wind!

Thankfully, Elizabeth brought a pussy-hiding purse with her and she was able to push her dress back down. Still, she might want to take a cue from The Queen and fill her skirt hem full of weights next time. And yes, there will be a next time – there’s always a chance that a no-good skirt-flipping gust of wind is lurking around, ready to pounce and expose your down-lows. The wind is the Joe Francis of the meteorology world.

But if Elizabeth really wants to get back at the wind, she could always ask her pocket goth older sisters, the Olsen Twins, to put a curse on it. What am I saying? They probably already have beef with the wind. One strong gust, and they’re blown thirty feet into the air like two plastic bags.

Here’s more of Elizabeth at the Miu Miu event, as well as Kate Moss, Amber Heard, the Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaards, and Sally Draper.

Pics: Splash/INF

Elizabeth Olsen Was Using Tom Hiddleston As A Decoy So She Could Secretly Date Chris Evans

Back in May, lips started whispering that the sister holding the Olsen twins’ spare set of kidneys, Elizabeth Olsen, and Tom Hiddleston were informally rubbing sticks and stones together after she called it quits with her fiancé Boyd Holbrook. Well, according to the The National Enquirer (via Hollywood Gossip), it was all just lies to distract you from the truth: that she’s actually doing fellow Avenger Chris Evans. And just like that, every Hiddlestan dropped their pitchforks and slowly backed away from Elizabeth Olsen’s house.

A source says that Scarlet Witch and Captain America have been getting their secret hump on during the filming of Captain America: Civil War in Atlanta, but want to keep it on the down-low because Chris Evans doesn’t want to be seen as a skirt-chasing pussy hound.

“Chris is paranoid about his womanizing becoming public while he’s on this multi-picture deal with Marvel. He’s protecting his image, and will bend over backwards to keep things quiet.”

In the past fourteen months, Chris has been rumored to be doing Elizabeth Olsen, Lily Collins, Lucy Pinder, and Sandra Bullock. “Who’s the slut now?” hissed Black Widow.

I don’t know why Elizabeth and Chris had to concoct such an elaborate scheme to cover their fucking tracks and drag Tom Hiddleston into this mess. If anyone cornered Elizabeth at the craft services table and asked her if she’s banging Captain America, all she had to do is pull an Ariana Grande and claim he’s just a “friend with a penis.” Then again, this news is from the Enquirer, which means there’s a 99.9999% chance it’s a pile of lies. Maybe this lie is also a lie meant to distract us from the REAL truth: that Chris Evans is secretly banging Betty White. I knew it! Get it, Golden Girl.

Tom Hiddleston And An Olsen Are Doing It

The walls of Tumblr are barely standing and are covered in cracks from Benjidog Cummerbund getting married and hatching eggs into that Sophie Hunter trick and this news is probably going to make them completely crumble into a million pieces. My thoughts and prayers are with the N and O keys on the keyboard of every Hiddlestoner’s computer, because they’re probably using the shit out of those kyes while typing NOOOONONONONONONONONONO over and over again.

UsWeekly says that the beloved prince of Tumblr Tom Hiddleston is casually wet humping on the third Olsen, Elizabeth Olsen. Tom and Elizabeth didn’t work together on the Avengers. (He shot a scene, but it got cut.) Some source says that they got really close while shooting the Hank Williams biopic I Saw The Light together. Elizabeth Olsen just broke up with her fiancé Boyd Holbrook in January, so she and Loki are just fuck buddies for now.

“They have been hooking up,” the insider tells Us of the longtime friends.

“It’s casual,” the insider says, adding that the two won’t be rushing into titles anytime soon, but they do make sure to “text when they’re apart.” And the timing for Hiddleston, 34, couldn’t be more perfect, considering Olsen, 26, called off her engagement to Boyd Holbrook this past January.

“She wants to make a new life for herself,” the source says. “She’s having fun.”

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have probably already pulled out the cauldron and are now chewing off frog legs, yanking out the nails of a black chicken and preparing the blood of a first born newborn, because they know they’re going to need to conjure up a serious dark magic spell to protect their sister from Loki’s fans. His fans will rage knowing that when Elizabeth Olsen looks down after he nibbles on her chocha, she gets to see that smiling face staring back at her. (And depending how sweaty he is, she might be able to get to see her reflection in his glorious forehead.) Or maybe his fans aren’t raging, because they’re holding it all in as they rock back and forth while they tell themselves, “Oh, it’s just PR, it’s just PR, it’s just PR.” I feel them. I do that every time Prince Hot Ginge hooks up with another dishwater blonde.

Pic: AP

Oh, It’s Just Bey And Jay Pulling A Totally-Not-Choreographed Stunt At The Met Gala

The last time Her Majesty Beyoncé and Jay Z did some impromptu promo work to generate interest in their upcoming “On The Run” tour, they ended up looking as natural and convincing as a Blake Lively boob job. And now, literally three days later, they’re back at it again with a carefully orchestrated stunt meant to convince us to drop $200 to watch the two of them dry hump each other on stage while they lip-synch to ’03 Bonnie & Clyde.

While walking the red carpet at the Met Gala last night, a ring “accidentally” fell off one of Stunt Queen Bey’s fingers. Jay Z saw what happened, counted “one Mississippi, two Mississippi” in his head like Beyoncé instructed him to do in the 20 hours of practice at home, bent down to retrieve it, and on the way up he took her hand and pretended to propose to her with the ring. Stunt Queen Bey then looked around to make sure it was caught on camera before cycling through her rolodex of emotions and pulling out ‘bashful surprise’. And Jay Z did a great job of pretending he wasn’t completely dead inside.

So first we have Stuntyoncé LOL-ing at a basketball game date night, and now they’re pulling cutesy-poo shit like pretend proposals? What’s next on the list for the “Mobil On the Run” spontaneous acts of TRU WUV promo tour? Jay Z laying his coat over a puddle so Bey won’t ruin her shoes? Renewing their vows in a hot air balloon? Undergoing an experimental surgery that turns their faces into Precious Moments figurines? WHAT IS IT??

Here’s more of Stuntyoncé at the Met Gala before and after they awarded themselves a gold medal for their flawless execution of a publicity stunt, including a close-up of Bey’s best lacefront yet (I know, womp womp). Plus, the rest of the messy-looking tricks from they Met Gala (aka the leftovers) like Charlize Theron and a sunset-colored troll, an unreasonably modest RiRi, Kate Upton dressed like Cinco de HELL NO, and Kanye West’s $99/hour rent-a-ho from Lucifer’s Choice Discount Escorts.

Pics: Splash, Wenn

Elizabeth Olsen Replaces Ashley As Mary-Kate’s Date, Looks Thrilled While Doing So

Whenever I see pictures from ~fashun~ events, a cold sense of fear covers my body and a creepier, a cappella version of the Troll Song crawls into my ears, because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are usually there together looking like two giddy, little evil bridge urchins who are about to ask you to solve an unsolvable riddle. But a strange thing happened at the CFDA Fashion Awards in NYC last night. Ashley Olsen was not there!

Did an enchanted forest giant accidentally stomp on Ashley while she was collecting mushrooms to make a potion with? Was she a guest at that red wedding shit? Did Gandalf get her when she was trying to snatch Bilbo Baggins with her fellow goblins? Did her housekeeper once again mistake her for a greasy hairball that fell out of a cat’s mouth and vacuum her up? Whatever the case may be, Ashley Olsen was not there last night. Ashley and MK’s younger sister Elizabeth Olsen showed up in her place and made the face anybody would make if they had to pose next to a Trollsen while dressed like a warlock priest.

Elizabeth Olsen tried, but she just can’t prune as good as her sisters can. What’s really disturbing is that Mary-Kate can prune even when Ashley isn’t next to her. I thought their prune powers were only activated when they were standing next each other? I guess not. We should all be scared by this.

Here’s a few pictures from last night’s CFDA Fashion Awards, which are like the Golden Globes to the Met Gala’s Oscars. In order after the Olsens: Miranda Kerr, Zang Toi (wearing Kanye West’s next stage outfit), Betsey Johnson, Sofia Vergara, Nicole Richie, Ethan Hawke, Michelle Harper (thank the lord a Kardashian wasn’t there or they would’ve fucked that black rod on Michelle’s head), Zachary Quinto, Jessica Chastain, Linda Evangelista, Ireland Baldwin, Karolina Kurkova, Adriana Lima, Juliette Lewis, Jess from Girls (bitch, you ain’t Martha Graham), Rooney Mara and Kerry Washington.