Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, Cover Hawk

January 25, 2013 / Posted by:

Jezebel pointed out that future father and current Hawkeye Jeremy Renner showed up to the Hollywood premiere of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (How is that a movie?) last night looking wet, wild and Bonne Belle beautiful. Before Jeremy was Jason Bourne, he was a make-up artist, so he knows the importance of brushing his lashes with clear mascara before he gets photographed. No, Jeremy isn’t happy to see you, that’s just a bronzer stick in his pants.

Before every event, Jeremy slides up in front of the Hollywood makeup mirror in the beauty salon in his mansion, puts a Vanity 6 cassette in his Boombox and plays this:

You know he’s said the line, “Smoke a cigarette, I’m not ready yet,” to his roommate at least once. You know, I should stop calling Jeremy Renner “Hawkeye.” That liner and mascara makes him look more like Bunnyeye. I just want him to wink at me while nibbling on some wet lettuce.

And why is Peter Stomare praying in front of Gemma Arterton? Peter Stormare should be praying at the altar of the real Church of Maybelline Glamour: Jeremy Renner’s face.

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