Back in February, as most of the world stood by in neutered horror as Russian troops invaded Ukraine, Sean Penn sprang into action like a bronzed penis that had just received an injection of Viagra directly into its veiny shaft. Not wasting a single, precious thrust of momentum, Sean shouted to his documentary crew, “hop on, boys! We’re going to save democracy!” Now, according to USA Today, Sean has returned to Ukraine, and not unlike Slim Pickens gallantly falling to earth with 10,000 tons of atomic lightning between his thighs, descended on Kyiv astride his golden shaft to meet with President Zelenskyy and gift him with a symbol of his throbbing, pulsating rod of American vigor— One of his Academy Awards. Only catch, Zelenskyy has to return it to him in Malibu, personally, as soon as the war is won.
Having been married to one of the most noxious messes in Hollywood before co-starring with one of the creepiest messes in the game, it’s easy to see why Robin Wright would want to keep her personal life neat and tidy. It makes sense, she did use to be on soaps. Except for that one time she took the plastic off the sofa and let Vanity Fair sit down while she poured them a tepid cup of tea when she told them that her then on-again/off-again fiance Ben Foster made her love, laugh and cum more than ex-husband Sean Penn ever did, it’s probably safe to use the guest bathroom Robin’s house without worrying about lifting the lid and seeing a forgotten turd left unflushed. Back in 2018, Robin stealthily got married to smoking hot French fashion executive Clement Giraudet, and now, TMZ reports that she’s stealthily filed for divorce citing “irreconcilable differences” and is probably busy scrubbing every last trace of their lovemaking from every surface in her house (I hope she got it, girl!) and ordering new plastic covers for the furniture as we speak.
“Did she ever NOT have an obsession with sex,” said everyone. But I’m not sure if you all know this or not, Madonna likes sex. Sure, she’s only reminded us of that every day for the past four decades and has an entire book called SEX, but just in case you were unaware here’s your reminder. However, did you also know that although she’s been married twice her Yelp reviews of her time with Sean Penn and Guy Ritchie would yield a huge “Hell No! Never again!”? That’s what she’s admitting in a new interview where she briefly discusses her marriages but talks at length about world issues. And by “world issues“, I mean SEX!
Sean Penn Still Loves His Estranged Wife Leila George And Says She Left Him Because He Was Neglectful
Sean Penn has pulled back the curtain on what it’s like to be married to Sean Penn, and welp, no surprise, it sucks. Sean, 61, was recently interviewed by Hollywood Authentic at his Malibu home where he spoke primarily of the war in Ukraine, the relief work his organization, CORE, has been doing there, and the documentary he’s been making with Vice about his meeting with President Zelensky. Sounding exhausted, the reporter pivoted to ask Sean about his relationship with his estranged wife, just-turned 30-year-old Australian actress Leila George, who filed for divorce after just one year of marriage, though they were together for 5. Turns out Sean knows exactly why Leila decided to bounce. It was Sean’s penchant for Ambien and vodka in the mornings in lieu of coffee. Ambien and vodka at 10:30 a.m. also happens to be the twin pillars of his skincare routine. So that’s 2 mysteries solved!
Sean Penn Threatened To Melt Down His Oscars If President Zelenskyy Doesn’t Make An Appearance At Tonight’s Ceremony
The Oscars are tonight and with ratings getting worse and worse, they’re trying to get more people to watch. It was recently announced that the show would have three hosts: Amy Schumer, Wanda Sykes, and Regina Hall. And one of those hosts (Amy, of course) decided to open her gob to tell the world that she wanted President Zelenskky to appear on the program. You know, Zelenskyy, the same world leader who is in the middle of defending his country! Some rolled their eyes at the suggestion, but there was one person who apparently thought this was a shockingly brilliant idea: Sean Penn! And now he’s threatening to harm his very own Oscars if Zelenskyy isn’t on the show!
When he’s not bravely risking his last few healthy skin cells under the glare of the Mediterranean sun while mega-yachting with Leonardo DiCaprio in an effort to save his girlfriend from making a horrible mistake (sadly, it didn’t work and she married him anyway, I guess she had to go through it to get over it), he’s bravely risking the lives of a documentary film crew (and his last healthy brain cells) by dragging them to Kyiv, Ukraine to film a documentary he’s producing for Vice Studios. Sean’s previous documentary about his humanitarian efforts, 2020’s Citizen Penn, was praised by The Guardian for uplifting Haiti, but they also said it “come[s] across in some ways as a 93-minute self-administered high-five.” Leave it to Sean to both save lives and invent tantric auto high-fiving in a single blow.