And no, the three words aren’t: I love Nicki.
Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s musical tribute to panty pudding is #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the second week in a row, and to keep the WAP momentum going, she did an interview with Australia’s Kyle & Jackie O radio show and told them the three words that will never leap off of her tongue in a song because it gives her the icks. And well, we do know that on top of those the words, the words, “praise Melania Trump”, will never be said or typed by Cardi, because after a troll randomly compared Cardi B and Melania Trump during last night’s Republican National Convention, Cardi’s WAP clapped back twice. And yes, I got a little WAP juice in my eye during that “clap-back.”
Despite being a proud MAGA supporter, and his 2018 comments that slavery seemed like “a choice” notwithstanding, Kanye West is, for some reason, still heralded as a genius, a revolutionary, and a deity (but that’s mostly when he’s talking to himself in the mirror). Well now, Taylor Swift’s forever arch-enemy has another adjective to throw up in front of his name: billionaire. Kanye, who claimed he was in debt four years ago, has now officially been ranked as a member of the Billionaire Boys Club––and he wants everybody to know it.
And yes, my thoughts about this are best expressed through Brad Falchuk’s “Why me?” face as Goopy Paltrow brain farts out another piece of brilliant wisdom while looking like an uppity mouse.
Since Goopy Paltrow thinks she’s the Dr. Ruth of the super rich snobby lady set, she hosted a chat with “intimacy coach” Michaela Boehm about corona quarantine fuck times in a video for Goop that is really just an insufferable infomercial for one of Michaela’s courses. One of the questions that Goopy asked is how are she and Brad supposed to hump the goop out of each other while they’re in such “close quarters” with the kids. I see all of you rolling your eyes at Goopy saying that they’re in “close quarters” in their gigantic Brentwood mansion. But honestly, living in the same universe as Goopy and Mr. Goopy is considered “close quarters.”
On a past episode of Dlisted: The Podcast, Allison and I wrapped our brains around sundried butt blossoms while talking about butthole sunbathing, the ancient Taoist practice where you supposedly get a big shot of Vitamin D by presenting your hole to the sun for 30 seconds. While I am a thorough believer in lifting your hole up in the air for some hot D, Allison and I both said that we think butthole sunbathing is a fried turd out of a sunburnt asshole. But others are willing to risk their bare asshole getting stung by a bee in the name of wellness. One of those others was Josh Brolin who claimed that he got bareback butt fucked by the sun’s rays and now his b-hole is playing Dolly Parton’s Baby, I’m Burning. Strangely enough, that’s the #1 played song on my b-hole too (my BrownSpotify list), but for totally different reasons.
Lucifer’s minions are going to be busy for a while, because they’re going to need to expand the YouTuber wing of Hell’s Special Place to make room for another future resident who will join Logan Paul, that Fantastic Adventures demon mom, and the LaBrant parents. That future resident of Hell’s Special Place is Brooke Houts, a YouTuber with over 300,000 subscribers, whose digital whoopsie has turned into an investigation by the LAPD’s Animal Cruelty unit. Brooke got caught abusing her Doberman Sphinx. Brooke’s YouTube career might be over, but she shouldn’t worry, because if Michael Vick ever puts together a network, Brooke is a shoo-in to star in her own show The Dog Yeller™.
Rich people can buy anything. Now technology is so advanced rich women be out here like: “No! I don’t get injections! I get lasers shot into my face at a rate of 190 miles per hour which then vibrates my molecules into the past through a high-pitched frequency that physically turns back time in my face.” Phewf! It’s not injections!
Denise Richards hopped on Instagram to “prove” to us that she doesn’t get injections or Botox to maintain her timelessness and instead just uses high-tech medical devices to perpetuate her youth.