What In “My First Sewing Lesson” Hell Is Happening On The Lower Half Of Those Pants?

The UK premiere for Captain America: Civil War happened earlier today, and if Deadline’s numbers are correct, it’s going to make a mess of money. They’ve already predicted it will make $200-$230 million overseas this week, and then another $200 million when it opens in North America a week later. Basically, it’s probably safe to assume that CA:CW is going to make Robert Downey Jr. even richer than he already is. With that being said, I would assume RDJ is in the kind of financial position that would prevent him from strolling onto a red carpet in a pair of truly busted DIY-looking pants, but apparently that’s not the case.

I do not know what kind of look RDJ’s stylist was going for here. Those little black flare panels appears to be a deliberate choice, but who knows? Maybe they’re the result of RDJ misplacing both his Spanxles™ (Spanx for cankles) and his spare pair of premiere pants, and frantically MacGyvering something together in the limo on the way over. “Quick! I need a pair of scissors, a glue gun, and the fabric from the lining of your jacket. I don’t care that you won’t get your deposit back from the uniform rental company, it’s a fashion emergency!”

Whatever the reason, I do know that Robert Downey Jr.s’ faux-flares are giving me major flashbacks to the summer before 10th grade when everyone was cutting open the bottom of their jeans and sewing in panels of fabric in an attempt to make their own raver pants. Yes, technically the flare panels are supposed to be on the outside of your leg and not the inside. But I’m willing to give RDJ a pass if, and only if, he’s also wearing a million bead bracelets on one of his arms and a metal ball necklace under that shirt.

Here’s more from the UK premiere of Captain America: Probably Better Than Batman v Superman.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Plot Thickens (Or Thins, Depending On How Much You Care): Elizabeth Olsen Was Never Asked To Do “Fuller House”

The makers of Making A Murderer are currently working on a second season for Netflix, but they need to hit the red ABORT button on those plans and instead shift their focus to investigating and thoroughly covering the journey to get Michelle Tanner in Fuller House. That American saga has more twists and turns than the Trollsens’ spinning heads when they do a Satanic spell on a bitch.

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John Stamos Wanted Elizabeth Olsen To Play Michelle Tanner In “Fuller House”

As everyone knows, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen aren’t in Fuller House, because they’re way too busy searching Africa for an endangered black rhino to hunt and turn into a bag that they’ll sell for $90,000 at Barney’s. John Stamos is out whoring the show and during a talk with Howard Stern today, he said that after a little mix-up, he eventually talked to Mary-Kate about doing it. Mary-Kate seemed into it, but said that she and Ashley were scared to act because they don’t consider themselves actresses anymore. Um, did Mary-Kate and Ashley forget their impeccable performances in the underrated masterpiece Holiday In The Sun? Acting is obviously in their veins! When Mary-Kate and Ashley officially said fuck no to Fuller House, John Stamos got a great idea. John told the producers that they should ask the Trollsens’ sister Elizabeth Olsen to do it. John Stamos may or may not have been messed up on GHB when he came up with that idea. John told Andy Cohen on his SiriusXM show that Elizabeth Olsen’s agent wasn’t into it at all and basically said, “No way Jose!” via E!

“We actually went to—I don’t think this has been talked about…I didn’t do it, I think Jeff Franklin did—I said, ‘Call the sister [Elizabeth Olsen]. Ask her’…We talked to her agent and her agent was like, ‘Come on she’s not going to do that,’ but we did call her agent,” Stamos told Cohen on his SiriusXM talk show RadioAndy.

“That would’ve been kind of genius…I mean take kinda out of that sentence,” Cohen said.

“Yeah,” Stamos replied.

Mary-Kate and Ashley also have two brothers, so I wonder if those desperate producers begged either of them to throw a yellow mop on their head to play Michelle Tanner? If the producers were that hard-up to get Michelle Tanner to make an appearance, they should’ve just left a trail of squirrel nails (aka the Trollsens’ favorite snack) from Mary-Kate and Ashley’s spot on the bridge to the studio. As soon as Mary-Kate and Ashley showed up to the studio, they could’ve filmed them real quick before those two figured out what was going on and disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.

Pic: Getty

Boyd Holbrook Got Dumped By The Third Olsen Sister On The Same Day His Best Friend Died

Actor/model type Boyd Holbrook (no relation to Hal) and Elizabeth Olsen were a thing for about 3 years and they even got engaged. But they broke up last year and she maybe moved on to Loki’s peen. Elizabeth Olsen and this Boyd Holbrook dude never confirmed that they were engaged and they never came out and said that they were done bumping fuck parts. Everyone assumed they broke up, because she stopped wearing her engagement ring and they stopped going to events together. I know that the question, “What happened to the third Olsen sister and whatshisface?”, has been sitting in your brain for months. Well, Boyd finally broke his silence to Man of the World magazine about the day an Olsen quit him. Boyd says that his heart was already broken into a million pieces from finding out that his best friend David Armstrong had died and then Elizabeth Olsen came along and stomped on those broken pieces. via UsWeekly

“On the same day that my best friend died, I got a call from my girl to tell me it was over,” the Gone Girl actor told Man of the World in Issue No. 14. Though Holbrook didn’t mention Olsen by name, he was engaged to the actress when his best friend, photographer David Armstrong, passed away in October 2014 from liver cancer. He was 60.

“David was the first person in my life to encourage me,” said Holbrook, who was oftentimes photographed by the shutterbug. “He told me to do everything I wanted to do. No one had ever told me that before. He was a very important figure in my life. Important figure is not even close to what he was.”

Boyd says that the death of his best friend pushed him into a deep depression for a while.

If Elizabeth Olsen didn’t know that Boyd’s friend had died when she tossed their love into the dumpster, I can’t say that her heart is a Foreigner song. But if she did know and chose that day to dump his ass anyway, her heart is a charcoal shell filled with the blood of Satan and her sisters the Trollsens have never been more proud of her in their entire lives!

Pic: Wenn.com

Elizabeth Olsen Dumped Tom Hiddleston

Elizabeth Olsen and Tom Hiddleston never came out and said, “Yup, our fuck parts rub together every day, all day,” and even she said that her chocha isn’t regularly getting Hiddleston’d. But the tabloids kept saying that they’re 100% a couple… and now Star (via Classicalite) is saying that they’re 100% not a couple anymore.

Star’s source (Hi, Lizzie Olsen’s publicist! I hope you had a good holiday!) says that Elizabeth Olsen didn’t break up with Tom Hiddleston because she was sick of his fans calling her all the time to say, “I hope you die.” That doesn’t bother Elizabeth at all since she’s used to a creepy voice saying, “I hope you die,” when she picks up the phone. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen say that to her every time they call. It’s their way of saying “hello.” The source says that Elizabeth dumped Tom because she doesn’t want to get into anything serious.

“Elizabeth’s so focused on her career. She wasn’t sure she could handle a serious relationship right now.”

I know, Elizabeth Olsen needs an MRI stat, because there must be something wrong with her brain area if she’s choosing to work instead of doing Tom Hiddleston all the time. But really, getting dumped by Elizabeth Olsen may have saved Tom Hiddleston’s life! If they were still together, she would’ve dragged him to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding and if he went to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding, he would’ve ended up coughing up his blackened lungs on the floor as the Trollsens danced around him while cackling.

Pic: Getty

Elizabeth Olsen Isn’t Regularly Doing Tom Hiddleston, So Says Elizabeth Olsen

Elizabeth Olsen’s vagine became the object of Tumblr’s jealousy a few months ago when UsWeekly said that it was getting several servings of the Hiddleston dick. A couple of months later, pictures came out of Elizabeth hiding her face while leaving a restaurant in London with Tom Hiddleston and other sources said that they have gone from fuck buddies to something a little more serious. But while promoting I Saw The Light at TIFF, Elizabeth made it clear that she and Tom aren’t a thing, so all you Hiddlestoners can stop sending her death threats. Besides, sending death threats to Elizabeth Olsen is not a good idea, because she’ll just forward them to the Trollsens who will skin you alive and use your hide to make a $4,600 purse.

Refinery 29 asked the Other Olsen about I Saw The Light, but nobody really cares about that shit, so they got to talking about if she’s boning Tom Hiddleston on the regular or not.

There have been a lot of links between you and Tom Hiddleston, about you two dating. I don’t know if that’s something you confirm, but how do you feel —
“I mean, we definitely are friends and we’ve known each other for about four years. And we happened to be at a restaurant at a wrong time having dinner. We all go out to dinner.”

How do you react when you see that in the press?
“Well, apparently, I’m dating Chris Evans, and apparently, I’ve dated Jeremy Renner, so I guess that… I don’t react to it.”

So you’re not dating Tom?
“No. I mean people can think what they want to think.”

I believe her. If she was seriously dating Tom, she probably would’ve taken him to the tree trunk house at the edge of the bridge to meet her sisters and during that meeting, the life in his eyes would’ve flickered out as he watched Mary-Kate and Ashley make out with their dudes at the dinner table. Tom doesn’t look dead inside in these pictures from TIFF, so I’m guessing he’s never met the Trollsens. And Elizabeth’s right. We can think what we want to think. So I’m just going to tell myself that Elizabeth is a three-way beard and she’s bearding for Tom, Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner who are secretly dating each other. Thanks for the tip, Lizzie!

And here’s Tom at a TIFF press conference for High-Rise with Elisabeth Moss and Luke Evans today.

Pics: Getty, Splash