The Trailer For “The Batman” Is Here And No, I Can’t See Shit

The next time you go to the eye doctor, you’ll probably find that they’ve thrown away the eye chart and will instead play the newest trailer for The Batman for you. If you can clearly spot five things in the trailer, you’ve got 20/20 vision, bitch! Yesterday, many people squinted at their screens like a memaw trying to look at the menu in a dark restaurant before fumbling with her iPhone while trying to find the flashlight button. And that could mean only one thing: the main trailer for the *~dark~* and *~edgy ~* The Batman is out.

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Elizabeth Olsen Vs. A Gust Of French Wind

Wind truly is the shameless pervert of the weather world. It’s always blowing up skirts and blowing against the crotch parts of pants. Sure, rain makes everyone look like they’re starring in a low-budget wet clothes fetish porno, but at least rain helps flowers grow. Wind does nothing but embarrass you. Case in point, Elizabeth Olsen at a Miu Miu fragrance launch in Paris on Saturday. Chris Evans’ secret on-set girlfriend showed up wearing a dress from the Shirley Partridge Collection, and it only took about three seconds in front of the paps before that sleazy creep came and blew up her dress. Inappropriate, wind!

Thankfully, Elizabeth brought a pussy-hiding purse with her and she was able to push her dress back down. Still, she might want to take a cue from The Queen and fill her skirt hem full of weights next time. And yes, there will be a next time – there’s always a chance that a no-good skirt-flipping gust of wind is lurking around, ready to pounce and expose your down-lows. The wind is the Joe Francis of the meteorology world.

But if Elizabeth really wants to get back at the wind, she could always ask her pocket goth older sisters, the Olsen Twins, to put a curse on it. What am I saying? They probably already have beef with the wind. One strong gust, and they’re blown thirty feet into the air like two plastic bags.

Here’s more of Elizabeth at the Miu Miu event, as well as Kate Moss, Amber Heard, the Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaards, and Sally Draper.

Pics: Splash/INF

Sharon Stone Has Never Watched Porn, So Says Sharon Stone

Seen above making a “What is that creature and how soon can I have it turned into a shrug?” face, Sharon Stone showed up to a screening for Lovelace at MoMA in NYC last night. Sharon plays porn legend Linda Lovelace’s mother and since the movie is about the making of Deep Throat, Vulture asked her if she’s ever seen it. The mainstream soft-core queen of the 90s almost ran to Claire’s and bought a pair of pearls to clutch, because she was shocked by the question:

She hadn’t seen Deep Throat prior to making Lovelace, she told us at a Cinema Society screening last night. (“Why would I?”) And she hasn’t seen it since. “I have never seen a pornographic film,” she added. Seriously? “Yes.”

Why would she?! Why wouldn’t she?! Sharon Stone is trying to tell me that she’s had fake onscreen sex with almost every actor in the 90s, but she’s never watched a fuck film? Sharon is like me the time I got caught watching porn at work. I switched to a spreadsheet and said, “Porn? I don’t even know what that is!” If only I could morph into a Komodo Dragon and bite Sharon’s lying tongue.

Vulture then asked Peter Sarsgaard, who plays Chuck Traynor in Lovelace, if he’s ever watched porn. Since he’s that fancy bitch who probably asks to speak to the tea sommelier when he goes to a restaurant, he spit out some fanciness:

“The only kind of pornography that has ever held an interest for my mind, for any length of time — because pornography by its very nature is kind of just momentary — is Scandinavian pornography. It’s always very beautiful. They filmed it, and they had a kind of flair. I remember seeing … I think her name was Seka. She wouldn’t have sex very much, it would all just be kind of like, Seka, being awesome. Very shabby-chic, also. Yeah, kind of like, fairy. Shabby-chic fairy.

It’s old, so it feels okay to watch. [Laughs.] Because I think a lot of pornography now is just so brutal, unbelievably brutal. And I know it probably was back in the time that I have a memory of it being not brutal, in its own way it is. But now it’s like, so obvious that it’s not — I don’t know what it’s for. There’s not too many people making love doing porn these days.”

When I Googled “Scandinavian porn,” I got a picture of a chick doing a guy with her hand and a dildo. Yeah, a dildo and not a lutefisk. I was disappointed too.

What is with these people and porn?! I’m sure that late last night, Peter Sarsgaard went into the bathroom and fapped to Brazzers on his iPad. He did it on a bathroom rug from Ikea, so that practically makes it a sensual Scandinavian experience.

Pics: Splash