Who Is Chris Evans Sexing On Today?

Short answer: Not you or me. But if we just sit here, covered in lube and ready to go, he’ll get to us eventually (but our no-nos shouldn’t hold their breath.)

About six seconds ago, there was a rumor that Captain America is further strengthening this country’s relations with Britain by sticking his patriotic dick into the low-rent Jodie Marsh known as Lucy Pinder. But well, if that rumor was true and wasn’t just a fairy tale burped up by Lucy’s publicist, then I guess they’re done bumping genitals and he’s already moved on to a new piece. UsWeekly says that 33-year-old Chris Evans is “off the market,” because his peen is now solely devoted to Phil Collins’ (Note: Let’s just pause here and imagine Chris Evans and Phil Collins fucking as Phil sings, “I can feel you in coming in my ass tuuuuh-night.” Okay, fantasy over, let’s resume this sentence) 25-year-old daughter Lily Collins. Well, today I learned that Lily Collins is 25. Here I was thinking that she was barely legal since she looks like she just was pulled out of her mom’s chocha about five minutes ago.

Some source says that Chris Evans and Taylor Lautner’s ex-beard met at the Vanity Fair Oscar party last month and they’ve been bumping nipples ever since:

“It’s just the beginning stages,” a second insider tells Us. “But they’re having a lot of fun and seeing where it goes.”

This is random’s favorite new couple and if they are really a thing, I’m kind of into it. But only because they both have strong, furry eyebrow situations and if they ever make a baby, it’ll be a giant pair of bushy brows with legs.

And here’s Lily looking like a Chico’s model in a supermarket parking lot last week.

Pics: Splash, Esquire, W Magazine