Three weeks after we laughed off the silly rumor that Kate Beckinsale and Pete Davidson were new boo things because they – GASP – left a Golden Globes party at the SAME TIME, it appears that despite no engagement ring in sight (yet), Kate and Pete are definitely a thing. Just give me a sec to process this highly important late BREAKING news!
It was bad enough to feel solidly over the cusp of middle age when the teenage lads from One Direction broke up (or went on an indefinite hiatus, if you are a glass half full kind of Directioner). Then some of the boys started popping out babies and I felt down right Social Security recipient old. This morning I feel like the Cryptkeeper took a dump on my head with the news that Naomi Campbell and Liam Payne flirted. Yes, supermodel and professional phone thrower Naomi Campbell, age 48 and Liam Payne, 25 were flirting on Instagram so that 100% confirms that they are practically married already.
Today’s Definition Of Random Is Brought To You By Kathy Griffin Dragging Don Cheadle, And Him Dragging Her Back
I pretty much forgot that Kathy Griffin’s career hit the shit can when she posted a picture of her holding up a “decapitated Trump head” (aka a Michael Myers mask with the carcass of a Garfield doll taped to the top and covered with ketchup), because so much has happened between then and now, and my brain can only hold a certain amount of fuckery. But Kathy Griffin has not forgotten, and she also hasn’t forgotten those she believes didn’t stand up for her including Don Cheadle. Yesterday, Kathy shit on her “friend” Don for turning on her back then, and he let her know that the half of the “best friends forever” heart pendant she thinks he gave her must’ve come from a different Don Cheadle, because “You Got A Friend In Me” is not a song he’s ever sang to her.
If a pop star from the olden times had to go after a nose-in-the-air pretentious Oscar-winning actress, my first choice would be Samantha Fox going after Goopy Paltrow for saying that she made yoga popular when we all know that Samantha Fox not only invented yoga, but made it popular too (see: Samantha Fox doing downward dog, sort of). But I’ll take Jessica Simpson dropping a fart on Natalie Portman for words Natalie said about her posing in a bikini when she was a teenage virgin.
Many minds blew into the universe today and they didn’t need to hitch a ride on a SpaceX rocket to do so. Minds were blown into the universe after reading that 30-year-old Canadian cyborg goth musician Grimes (born name: Claire Elise Boucher) is humping on 46-year-old billionaire super nerd Elon Musk (born name: Elon Musk). And MuskGrime went public with their nerd love at tonight’s Met Gala.
Tiffany Haddish had the most fun with at the Oscars on Sunday night. She presented an award in her favorite dress and a pair of slippers, she ambushed Meryl Streep, and apparently she also promised to get with Brad Pitt if they’re both still single in a year. That’s probably not even Tiffany’s last random Oscar night story. I feel like we’re about to learn that Tiffany was the one who apprehended her new best friend Frances McDormand’s Oscar thief by beating him over the head with one of her slippers.