Simon Rex Says He Was Offered $70,000 By A British Tabloid To Lie About Hooking Up With Meghan Markle
The name Simon Rex takes me back to a frustrating moment in the 90s when a teenage me learned that a hot new MTV VJ named Simon Rex did gay porn. So of course, me, being hard up for anything gay, used our dial-up (which was run by a sedated snail on a rusty treadmill) to download Simon Rex’s gay porn from Napster, or some shit. And I’m giving you a low estimate when I say that it took 80 hours to download a 45-second clip (and that’s partly thanks to my sister fucking shit up for me by constantly having to use the phone). When I finally opened up that clip, I dropped the lotion and waved my fist in the air while cursing the lie-telling evil pieces of trash who told me it was gay porn. It wasn’t gay porn! It was just jack off porn! Yes, I still fapped to it, but I fapped through angry gritted teeth.
Well, Simon Rex’s jack off porn past is back in the news again thanks to a story he told on a podcast called Hollywood Raw (which surprisingly isn’t a podcast devoted to porn starring celebrities). Simon claimed that one big British tabloid offered him a ton of money to lie and say he hooked up with Meghan Markle, and probably because that tabloid couldn’t wait to use the headline: Royal Blue Waffle! THE QUEEN Orders Meghan Markle’s Tramp Ass To Get An STD Test After Finding Out She Hooked Up With A Bareback Gay Porn Star!!!!
Katy Perry did geisha cosplay once. She posed next to a boy in a Katy’s Fries costume for a Vogue India spread. And her soon-to-be-second husband is British (AND voices Prince Hot Ginge in Gary Janetti’s Prince George cartoon for HBO Max). So that makes her a bona fide Brit and a person of several Asian descents. Whether or not you TRUST her, I’ll leave that up to you. But besides the trust part, Katy is the perfect ambassador for the British Asian Trust since she’s British and Asian. Insert obligatory “ScarJo is livid” joke here.
Zooey Deschanel and the toolbelt-wearing Property Brother are going to want to take a seat for the time being, because they’re no longer the most random couple at the moment. Entertainment Tonight says that real-life Twin Peaks character Lana Del Rey pulled a Miranda Lambert and has hooked up with a cop.
The world is truly a Hellscape of epic proportions. Why do I say this? Take the Ooshie craze. What the hell is an Ooshie? I still don’t really understand. It’s a small, soft toy? From a super market? And this particular one is really rare so that makes it valuable?
Anyway, these two farmers found one, and so they tried to cash in on it but that didn’t work, so then they tried to trade it for actual water to save their actual farm, and that didn’t work. So they cut that shit up on TV in live protest.
Three weeks after we laughed off the silly rumor that Kate Beckinsale and Pete Davidson were new boo things because they – GASP – left a Golden Globes party at the SAME TIME, it appears that despite no engagement ring in sight (yet), Kate and Pete are definitely a thing. Just give me a sec to process this highly important late BREAKING news!
It was bad enough to feel solidly over the cusp of middle age when the teenage lads from One Direction broke up (or went on an indefinite hiatus, if you are a glass half full kind of Directioner). Then some of the boys started popping out babies and I felt down right Social Security recipient old. This morning I feel like the Cryptkeeper took a dump on my head with the news that Naomi Campbell and Liam Payne flirted. Yes, supermodel and professional phone thrower Naomi Campbell, age 48 and Liam Payne, 25 were flirting on Instagram so that 100% confirms that they are practically married already.