Dwyane Wade spent years as a Florida mainstay, killing it on the court with the Miami Heat before retiring back in 2019. Now, he spends his time killing it as a supportive dad and advocate for his daughter, Zaya, who is transgender. But, ever since Ron DeSantis was elected governor, Florida has become a place where Disney magic and LGBTQ+ rights have come under fire. Because of this, Dwyane, his (literally cockblocking, but gorgeous) wife Gabrielle Union, and their five kids have taken their ball and gone home–to a different state.
It looks like Alec Baldwin is finally pulling the trigger (too soon?) on working to fulfill his promise to make the streets of New York a safer place for paparazzi to roam and for people to park cars by taking his Hispanophile wife and ever-growing litter of Baldwinitos and getting out of dodge to instead vex the unassuming people of Vermont. The New York Post reports that Alec has just put his Hamptons estate on the market shortly after selling his Central New York lake house.
Just four years ago, Robert Sylvester Kelly was bragging that it was too late to prosecute him for any alleged crimes because, not only was he adored by “40 billion motherfuckers,” but they “should have did this shit thirty years ago” before his music had “been injected into the world.” Speaking of lethal injections, Robert won’t be administered one for the crimes of racketeering and sex trafficking that he was convicted of last September in New York. However, according to Page Six, he will be serving a 30-year sentence for them. Oopsie daisy! Turns out it wasn’t too late to #MuteRKelly after all. Today, Robert was sentenced to serve 30 years for one count of racketeering and eight counts of violating the Mann Act which “prohibits the transport of ‘any woman or girl across state lines for any ‘immoral purpose’.” Thanks to vaccines and the dozens of brave women (45 witnesses testified!) who came forward to share their experiences, 40 billion motherfuckers have been cured!
Us regular people on the outside don’t have to look very hard to find the current most embarrassing member of Britain’s Royal Family. Try as he might, Prince Andrew’s can’t seem to shake his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein. But if you were to ask Queen Elizabeth about him, she might say, “Sorry, can’t find any embarrassment here! Nothing but a perfect special prince, case closed – try Edward, maybe he’s got a skeleton in his closet.” But Andrew’s first class ticket on the Lack of Accountability Express might be over once Prince Charles takes over as King.
If Pete Davidson‘s big dick (moderately sized dick?) is the disease, then deleting your Instagram account must be the symptom, because peace-ing out of Insta seems to be a trend surrounding Pete and his BDE. Both Pete and Ariana Grande quit it while they were together, and now Pete’s current confirmed tonsil hockey partner Kate Beckinsale has deleted all of her Instagram pics. Kate must have been tired of comments from fans comparing her relationship with Pete to the Crypt Keeper and Teddy Ruxpin because of their 20 year age difference.
Apparently it’s Ass Day today at Dlisted (although, when isn’t it ass day, really? Everyday should be ass day). First Nicki Minaj releases a 5-minute long infomercial for her over-inflated bouncy castle ass, then Jessica Simpson is thinking about upgrading her butt balls to a set of DDs, and now Whoopi Goldberg apparently doesn’t want to sit her ass at The View’s Hot Topics table anymore. According to The National Enquirer, a source close to Whoopi says that even though she just signed a 4-year contract, she’s already looking for a box in which to put her things (Crocs, linen caftan shirts, the zero fucks she gives on a daily basis) and shuffle her ass out of the hen house.
“Whoopi regrets roping herself in like that and is trying to figure a way out,” said a source close to the Oscar winner. “She wants out to do other projects, and feels network honchos are holding her back.”
Another source added: “Whoopi is sick of all the drama surrounding The View.”
There’s a very obvious solution to Whoopi’s problem. You’d think that acting like an irrational ball of dramatic crazy would be enough to get you fired, but the producers of The View get off on that shit (I believe their mission statement is “The Crazier, The Better”). So how does one get fired from The View? Well, Jenny McCarthy got her ass fired for being a human snooze button, which means that – in theory – the easiest way for Whoopi to get cut is to start showing up to work drowsy on Ambien and chugging from a thermos filled with NyQuil. Two minutes in to Hot Topics, and that bitch will be asleep for the rest of the show. Besides, she already dresses like she’s ready for a nap on the couch, so it will be an easy transition.
The only downside I can see is if Whoopi is a talker. I sometimes talk in my sleep, and I say some next-level crazy shit. If Whoopi starts muttering like a sleep crazy, then she’s doomed; sleep crazy is crazier than awake crazy, and no doubt the second she starts babbling incoherent drugged-up sleep crazy, they’ll sign her ass to another 4 more years.