Open Post: Hosted By The Poor Nurse Shark Who Got Stuck With A Dude In Florida After Latching Onto His Arm
This is a few days old (which is eleventy hundred years in internet time), but it’s the perfect Labor Day Open Post, because Florida is that state that works everyone’s last nerve, and “everyone” includes this nurse shark.
CBS12 says that on August 30, Florida foolery was in full effect in Jensen Beach and not just because everyone acted like they were in a coronavirus-free wonderland where they don’t have to cover their wet germ holes with a mask or stay away from each other. But also because a poor nurse shark ended up stuck with all those COVID-19-ignoring messes after latching onto a dude’s arm. And the Florida twist in this story is that Gronk’s Florida third cousin ended up with a shark on his arm because of a douche bet with a friend.
Less than a month ago, the House of Mouse spit in the eye of God when they decided to reopen Disney World despite record-breaking coronavirus numbers in Florida. Even though Disney World went on about “enhanced health and safety measures”, they faced a lot of backlash from the public. Soon they had to ban eating and drinking while walking after visitors were seen doing so without their masks. Then, last week, one of the Splash Mountain log flume rides sank with guests inside. That last one has nothing to do with COVID-19, but it’s still a ridiculous Disney World fail.
Then, this past weekend, Disney announced that they were reducing their hours in September because of lower-than-expected attendance due to coronavirus. Um, duh?
Last weekend that greedy SOB Scrooge McDuck replaced Mickey Mouse as head honcho of Disney in a wily Succession-style coup d’état. Scrooge’s first order of business? Re-open Disney World to the idiot public! Despite record-breaking coronavirus cases in Florida. Cash > lives. Ain’t that America?
Despite claiming they were imposing special safety measures like mandatory masks and social distancing, Disney was still criticized for their very ~Florida~ decision. And you bet your ass a bunch of adult Disney freaks immediately found a loophole regarding the masks. They were seen eating and drinking, mouths exposed, while walking around the park. Well, Disney World quickly changed the rules to cover their asses. The new guidelines state that guests can remove their masks while eating and drinking, but only if they remain stationary.
After semi-shutting down due to the coronavirus pandemic, many states in the U.S. have been opening up again. The problem is that coronavirus numbers in the U.S. are the highest in the world and growing. So, of course, this is a great time for Disney World to reopen because Mickey Mouse is a greedy bitch and knows that cartoon mice can’t get coronavirus, I think.
A Florida Congressional Candidate Fell For A Joke About How Beyonce Is Really An Italian Woman Named Ann Marie Lastrassi
When it comes to politics, America reached certified WTF levels a long, long time ago. But KW Miller, a congressional candidate from Florida (WHERE ELSE?!), took things to new levels by going off on a Twitter rant about Beyonce’s liberal agenda and accused her of really being an Italian woman named Ann Marie Lastrassi. That conspiracy theory was born on Twitter and it was just a joke invented to bring attention to the police-killing of Breonna Taylor. Yes, this is where we’re at in the world.
Oh, Florida, the land of civilians attacking cars in the middle of the street, alligators in people’s pants, and sooooo much more fuckery. So it should shock nobody that an elderly couple casually down the road on their mobility scooters. These oldies are true rebels for laughing in the face of possibly getting slammed by an angry ass driver.