Juan Pablo Didn’t Propose On The Bachelor Last Night Because He Was Too Busy Being An Asshole

Last night, the 1,985th season of The Bachelor was supposed to come to an end with that sentient bottle of Massengill douche, Juan Pablo Galavis, proposing to one of the two remaining ladies desperately competing for an engagement ring. And how there were even two women who willing chose to stick around is still an unsolved mystery; I’m sure there are strains of flesh-eating bacteria that want nothing to do with that self-obsessed greasy bag of vingear-based chocha wash.

However, the show ended with a ring, just not on THAT FINGER. When it came time for Juan Pablo to choose between Clare Crawley and Nikki Ferrell, he sent Clare home (who kind of left in a restrained Half Baked way). But instead of getting down on one knee and asking Nikki to be his fiancé for 6 weeks or 3 Us Weekly covers (whichever comes first), he told her he wasn’t really ready for a serious commitment. Then he got into his car and hauled ass back to Neil Lane where he returned the ring for cash, because he’s 2 weeks late with his half of the rent and his mom is being a major pain in the ass about it.

Then Juan Pablo and Nikki agreed to a live interview with host Chris Harrison, during the entirety of which Juan Pablo looked like a guy who’s trying to convince people at an office party that his date isn’t an escort. It was 1000 shades of awkward was thrown into a blender with Justin Bieber’s deposition video and pureed until it reached the consistency of an accidental lube fart. The clip above is literally 1/10th of the smug assholery Juan Pablo gifted us with last night: he kept giving stink face to Chris Harrison, he called out all the people talking shit about him online (aww, Juan Pablo, you shouldn’t have!), and he kept bragging about how he was so glad to be done with The Bachelor.

At which point it would have been the perfect time for Molly the dog come out and bake a bootycake right there on the stage as a way to say “Yeah, the feeling is mutual.”

The Streets Are Safe Once Again: Chris Brown Has Been Ordered To Return To Rehab

“You claim that your time in rehab has taught you to be less violent. The fact that you chose to assault my eyes with awful Night At The Roxbury-looking suit determines that was a lie.” – What I’m assuming the Judge said to Chris Brown right before he sentenced him back to rehab. And yes, I’m imagining the judge was Maury.

Just four days after trading friendship bracelets and mailing addresses with his best buds on his last day in rehab (“I’ll write you the minute I get home! Camp Rehab forever!”) Chris Brown has been told to pack up his Rescue Rangers duffle bag and hop back on the bus to anger management rehab. Despite successfully completing 95 days (I consider it a success if he doesn’t burn the place to the ground and punch the ashes) he has been ordered to return to rehab for 60 more days:

Superior Court Judge James Brandlin scheduled Brown’s next hearing for April 23. That would come after what’s expected to be a brief assault trial in Washington, D.C., earlier that month.

Prosecutors have asked that Brown be sent to jail for violating probation with his October arrest in the district. In that incident, Brown and his bodyguard are accused of punching a man and breaking his nose outside a hotel. Brown is on probation for his 2009 attack on then-girlfriend, Rihanna.

Brown’s attorneys have asked the judge to await the outcome of the Washington, D.C., case before hearing evidence on whether Brown should go to jail.

And according to a document obtained by TMZ from the facility where he was staying, his extended stint in rehab isn’t just a clever way to skip prison. As it turns out, Chris Brown is that troubled kid from down the street who keeps asking your 8-year-old self if you “wanna see a dead mouse?” and needs some major mental health help:

The facility writes, “Mr. Brown became aggressive and acted out physically due to his untreated mental health disorder, severe sleep deprivation, inappropriate self-medicating and untreated PTSD.” They never explain the cause of the PTSD. The letter also says Chris was diagnosed with Bipolar II.

Did I just feel bad for Chris Brown? Yikes. Calgon take me away and Jesus take the wheel.

(Pic: Splash)